Fun thread

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Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:38 pm

Too much moaning, bitching and talk of boring, deep philosophical subjects, so.............

What happens to Ducks when they fly upside down?
They quack up!

Why did the Chicken cross halfway across the road and open a book?
He was a Rhode Island Red!

What is 80 foot high, brown and highly dangerous?
A Camel, in a tree, with a machine gun!

Go on then, put anything to do with FUN on this thread.....
Last edited by CeliaEriksson on Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby tsukiyoarts » Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:22 pm

Good night,

I fully agree with you lady. Yet again you come with good ideas.

CeliaEriksson wrote:What is 80 foot high, brown and highly dangerous?
A Camel, in a tree, with a machine gun!


That was the best one in my opinion.

Unfortunately I am not good at this, but I will try:

In a monster party, a ghost politician was questioned by another monster if he was hiding something. "What a ludicrous question! I hide nothing." he said. The other monster kept looking with an incredulous look. The politician then said: "You still are doubting me aren't you? I already said, I hide nothing. You are looking to the most transparent person around!"

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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:43 pm

Well, thank you Tsukiyo, you like the surreal jokes! I have to sleep now, I've been here a long time because I cannot get my e-mails up and I was waiting for an important one, I think they are woring on the site, it's 01:30 over here and I should go to bed now, but one or two more before I go..........

Why do Kangaroo hate rainy days?
Coz the kids want to play inside!

What do you call a Fish without eyes?
A fsh. (Think about it).

A man goes into a tailor shop.
"Can I see the cheapest suit you sell please?"
"The mirror is on your left sir."

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Fish.

What is the difference between a forklift truck and a Giraffe?
A forklift truck has highdrollocks..... (only Brits will get that one!).
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Re: Fun thread

Postby tsukiyoarts » Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:53 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:Well, thank you Tsukiyo, you like the surreal jokes! I have to sleep now, I've been here a long time because I cannot get my e-mails up and I was waiting for an important one, I think they are woring on the site, it's 01:30 over here and I should go to bed now, but one or two more before I go..........

Why do Kangaroo hate rainy days?
Coz the kids want to play inside!

What do you call a Fish without eyes?
A fsh. (Think about it).

A man goes into a tailor shop.
"Can I see the cheapest suit you sell please?"
"The mirror is on your left sir."

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Fish.

What is the difference between a forklift truck and a Giraffe?
A forklift truck has highdrollocks..... (only Brits will get that one!).


Here is a homage I made for your first set of jokes.
Image :)
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Lucy-chan » Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:18 pm

I like to "write" stupid jokes.....

You know what i like about the Ottoman empire? They always knew where their duvet covers were.....
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:56 am

I'd never heard that one Lucy and thanks for the pic Tsukiyo, it's spot on! So I will tell the inevitable rude joke........

Three Ducks walk into an empty bar and sit at a table in the corner.
The Barman cannot believe his eyes.
"Good morning!" the first Duck says.

The Barman thinks he is dreaming, "Good Morning." He stammered. He now realises he is talking to a duck! He wanders what on earth to say. "What is your name.... and what have you been doing to day?"
"My name is Quackers and I've been messing about in puddles."

"Oh." The Barman said, he looks at the second Duck. "And what is your name, what have you been doing?"
"I am Ferdinand and I have been mucking about, you know, in and out of puddles."

"Really?" The Barman continued to wipe glasses. He looked at the third Duck, who's feathers were ruffled and the poor thing looked very dishevelled. "So what is your name?"
"I'm Puddles and I am one very happy Drake!"

Celia xx
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Re: Fun thread

Postby tsukiyoarts » Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:10 am

CeliaEriksson wrote:I'd never heard that one Lucy and thanks for the pic Tsukiyo, it's spot on! So I will tell the inevitable rude joke........

Three Ducks walk into an empty bar and sit at a table in the corner.
The Barman cannot believe his eyes.
"Good morning!" the first Duck says.

The Barman thinks he is dreaming, "Good Morning." He stammered. He now realises he is talking to a duck! He wanders what on earth to say. "What is your name.... and what have you been doing to day?"
"My name is Quackers and I've been messing about in puddles."

"Oh." The Barman said, he looks at the second Duck. "And what is your name, what have you been doing?"
"I am Ferdinand and I have been mucking about, you know, in and out of puddles."

"Really?" The Barman continued to wipe glasses. He looked at the third Duck, who's feathers were ruffled and the poor thing looked very dishevelled. "So what is your name?"
"I'm Puddles and I am one very happy Drake!"

Celia xx


My god haha :lol: Also, the camel on a tree art is yours to save to your computer if desired. I made it for that joke only.

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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Sep 15, 2017 11:21 am

A Seagull leaves his calling card upon a man's shoulder, so he turns to his wife. "Have you a piece of tissue paper dear?" He asked.
"Don't be silly." She replied. "That Seagull is miles away by now."

A man takes a Crocodile in to a pub.
"You can't bring that in here!" The Barman tells him. "Ruddy dangerous are Crocodile."
"He's a nice, well behaved Crocodile." The man said. "And, he does a good trick."
"Does tricks, what kind of tricks?"
"Well watch this, can I borrow the baseball bat you keep behind the bar?"

The Barman gave the man the baseball bat. The man unzipped his fly and presented his manhood to the Crocodile. He hit the Crocodile over the head with the bat and the Crocodiles jaw went up and down, very quickly for five minutes.
"Ooh, that is amazing. Hits the spot every time!" The man said, withdrawing his thingy into his fly.

"Let's have a go and the Crocodile can stay." The Barman said. "Give me my bat!"
So the Barman did the same....
"Wow, oooh, aah, eeeeeeee...... That was fantastic! The Crocodile can stay!"

Well, I was sitting in the corner watching all this, as the story is quite true.... anyway, I got up and walked over to the bar.

"Do you think I could try that?" I asked, kinda manly like, in full femme.
"Oh, I don't know." The man said. "Ok, but it will cost you fifty pounds though."
"Great!" I said. "But you won't hit me too hard with that bat, will you?"

BOOM_BOOM!

Celia xx
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Fri Sep 15, 2017 2:13 pm

I asked a German once what comes between fear and sex?

He said, "Funf."
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:31 pm

Thanks Jennifer (Walters)!

I had to recount my German for that one!

I once cut a boyfriend's hair. I did not make a good job, because he was so fussy. When I claimed to have finished, he demanded, "Take off your panties and put them on my head!"
"Why, that's a bit out of the blue?" I said. "Feeling a bit kinky are we?"
"No, it's because you have made me look a complete c**t!" He replied.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Fri Sep 15, 2017 7:08 pm

I used to throw croissants at people, until I was charged with "assault with a breadly weapon"...
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Fri Sep 15, 2017 7:16 pm

No more photoshopping farm animals in trees. Here is the real thing, sans guns:
Image

http://thinkorangeblog.com//wp-content/ ... 150501.jpg

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When I worked as a land developer we would hire goat herds to keep the weeds down on the properties we owned. These animals are true acrobats and would climb virtually anything they could stick their hooves to grab a hold.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:57 pm

That lot is amazing Miki. Imagine if the military could train them with machine guns! When I go to Cyprus, I go nigh on every year, driving around the island one needs to be careful, for a herd will suddenly appear from nowhere. You can wait for around five minutes for them to cross the road, there are so many. All colours and hues, big and small, their bells jingling away with a sea of dust to boot. Then they are gone!

Thanks for the bread joke Jennifer, very good dough....
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Sep 16, 2017 4:51 am

CeliaEriksson wrote:When I go to Cyprus, I go nigh on every year, driving around the island one needs to be careful, for a herd will suddenly appear from nowhere. You can wait for around five minutes for them to cross the road, there are so many. All colours and hues, big and small, their bells jingling away with a sea of dust to boot. Then they are gone!

Have you ever been caught in a 'sheep tornado':

https://youtu.be/akgsEK73c-U
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:10 pm

Wow! That is freaky.... nowt as strange as animals. I don't know if you have the European Starling but they fly in huge flocks, a Murmaration, in England and it is spectacular. Many migrate across the English Channel and I have watched them on the South Coast do this kinda thing.....

Image
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Sep 16, 2017 4:12 pm

I occasionally see flocks of starlings in The Bay Area. They are freaky in how they can turn, almost in unison, as a flock with one mind.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 16, 2017 4:54 pm

Hi Miki,

Yes, indeed they are like one. It's amazing how they roost too, telephone wires are a favourite and a study found that each bird has the same place each night, while they are around. I believe about three-quarters of British Starlings migrate come Winter, I have not checked that but I think that's right.

A bird joke then.... (as if I don't do birdy jokes)...

A very rare Eagle is soaring around the English countryside, it is Spring and he has not found a mate. He is getting a little frisky, as one can try to understand. He sees a little Coal Tit, sitting atop an Apple tree. He swoops down and takes the little Tit upon her perch. The Tit flies high and sings, "I'm a little tit, I have just had a little bit and I'm very happy!

The Eagle soars on for days and his want returns. He spies a Turtle Dove on a lawn. He comes down, lands upon the Dove and takes the Dove. Afterwards, the Dove flies to the top of a Willow and sings to all the birds that can hear, "I'm a little Dove, I've just had a little love and I'm very happy!

Three weeks later and the Eagle has still not found another of his kind and he is gagging! He spots a Duck swimming upon a village pond. He swoops down and has his watery naughtiness with the fowl. After much splashing and squealing, the Duck flies high, then higher, to the tallest Oak tree in a nearby forest and quacks to all the birds for miles around, "I'm a little Drake, there has been a big mistake, but I am VERY happy!

Boom-boom!!!! Celia xx
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Sep 16, 2017 6:08 pm

You are frigging weird.


:P :wink: :lol:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Sat Sep 16, 2017 10:55 pm

I can't take any bird jokes right now.

I just heard that the Pope got avian flu from one of his cardinals...
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Re: Fun thread

Postby upcummingattractions » Sat Sep 16, 2017 11:30 pm

Two men are in a bar. When asked to place their orders, the first one says, "I'd like some H2O, please."

To which the other man says, "Sounds good. I'd like some H2O2."

The second man died.

-

The alternate version:

Two men are in a bar. When asked to place their orders, the first one says, "I'd like some H2O, please."

To which the other man says, "Sounds good. I'd like some water as well."

The first man was upset cause his assassination plot failed.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sun Sep 17, 2017 1:12 pm

MikiSJ wrote:You are frigging weird.


:P :wink: :lol:


Yes, I am!!!! So here is a true story about me, just to show you how much!

Well, I was in a bar and Donald Duck walked in. After a while he offered to buy me a drink. "What kind of girl do you think I am?" I coyly asked.
"The kind I like!" Donald boldly replied.
"Well ok, but just one." I said fluttering my eyelashes.
"Good he said, the quicker we can go back to my Hotel."
"Cheeky!" I exclaimed.
But Donald is a real charmer and soon I found myself in his hotel room, taking a shower. "I'll be ready soon!" I called. "I hope you have precautions Donald!"
I came out of the shower whilst Donald was on the phone, ordering some precautions.
Soon a bell boy knocked on the door and on a silver platter was a pack of five condoms.
"Would you like it on your bill sir?" The bell boy asked.
"What do you think I am, a pervert?" Donald replied.....

Thanks u.c.a. and Jennifer for your jokes too! Celia xx
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Lucy-chan » Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:10 pm

Lucy's silly jokes.... No.2

Ive got an idea for an anti-gravity machine. I just need a bit of money to get it of the ground....
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Sun Sep 17, 2017 6:22 pm

ENOUGH, I SAID - ENOUGH!!
We need to get back to serious discussions and stop laughing so much!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:12 am

MikiSJ wrote:ENOUGH, I SAID - ENOUGH!!
We need to get back to serious discussions and stop laughing so much!
Image


I agree! So I shall report instead upon an incident that occurred only last night!

An Owl was playing A Duck in a game of pool. The Owl hit the white ball into the corner pocket.
"Why, that is a foul! It is two free hits!" The Duck gleefully exclaimed.
The Owl replied. "Two-hits-to-who?"
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Lucy-chan » Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:27 am

CeliaEriksson wrote:
MikiSJ wrote:ENOUGH, I SAID - ENOUGH!!
We need to get back to serious discussions and stop laughing so much!
Image


I agree! So I shall report instead upon an incident that occurred only last night!

An Owl was playing A Duck in a game of pool. The Owl hit the white ball into the corner pocket.
"Why, that is a foul! It is two free hits!" The Duck gleefully exclaimed.
The Owl replied. "Two-hits-to-who?"


I remember watching a vic and bob, with a joke very similar to that.

Bob kept getting it wrong.... " to who, you twat".
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Sep 18, 2017 6:48 am

I loved that show. I used to like Vic's pub singer! Shooting Stars was it? I can't remember the name, but I always watched it if I were in.

Here's another one to tide everyone over, (I'm going out to play golf and then get some groceries in), because I know everyone loves my jokes!

A man went into a pub and asked for a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The barman watched as the man drank the ale in one gulp, twirled around three times, put the crisps upon his head and said, "Goodnight". Then he walked out the door.

"How strange!" The barman said to all his bemused customers, "There is nowt as weird as folks!"

Well, the very next evening the man came back at the very same time and the very same people were there. "A pint of beer and a packet of crisps please!" The man asked.
The barman fulfilled the order and the man paid him. He drank the ale in one gulp, twirlied around three times, put the crisps on his head and walked out.

"This idiot is a joker!" The barman said. "I'm going to confront him if he comes in again!"
All the barman's customers agreed and praised him for his bravery at his going to confront the strange man.

So, the very next night the man came in again, same time, same people. "A pint of beer and a packet of crisps, please!" He asked.

The barman shook a little as he went to pour the beer, oh dear, why had he bragged that he would confront this man, he looked very big and strong. He went to the crisp box.... but they had all gone! "Oh, we have no crisps, sir. I do have a pork pie in the cold cabinet though, if you'd like that." He said, worriedly.

"That will do nicely!" The man declared." So the man drank his beer in one gulp, twirled around three times, put the pork pie on his head and made for the door.

"Wait!" The barman cried, a little croakily. "Pray, tell me. Why have you put that pork pie upon your head?"

The man replied, "Because you have run out of crisps!"

Celia xx PS Thanks Lucy! Keep 'em coming!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Lucy-chan » Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:04 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:xx PS Thanks Lucy! Keep 'em coming!


I don't know about that. I keep all my jokes on a computer file. I do harbour delusions of being a stand up comedian at some point. But some of my jokes are quite bleak. And this is quite a light thread.

Ill give you another. This is quite a wonderful bit of word play..... But it goes quite wrong. So, apologise in advance. Here goes.


I love orthopedic pillows.... In fact, you could call me an orthopidophile.......

Yeah. Once again.... Im sorry.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby PentacleGoddess » Tue Sep 19, 2017 12:39 am

Wanna hear a good joke about potassium?

K.

Is it better than the one about sodium?

Na.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Tue Sep 19, 2017 1:55 am

*joke so tasteless I had to make it about myself*

People call me a Cough Syrup Ho...

My ass is just a dime a tap! :thumb:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:28 am

Hi Everyone!

Thanks Lucy, PG and Jennifer! Keep them rolling, I enjoy telling folk at work my jokes, when I get them right! I do mess up the lines sometimes!

So tasteless jokes? I don't know let's not go too far down that road and end up offending folk... but here is a marginally non PC one...

So I was starting my first day in a new hospital and after following her around and going through what was required of me, the Head Nurse told me to have a wander round the wards and get to know the hospital. I would start my duties the following shift.

I took the opportunity to view several different wards and orientate myself around the hospital. I wandered into a ward and approached the first patient in his bed.
"How are you this morning?" I asked.
"“O, wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as others see us. It wad frae monie a blunder free us, an' foolish notion!" The man answered, in a broad Highland accent.
"Why ok, have a good day." I replied.

Weird person, I thought and I wandered along the ward and stopped at a bed further along after receiving a wink from the patient. "Good Morning!" I said.
"My love is like a red, red rose, that’s newly sprung in June, my love is like the melody, that’s sweetly played in tune. As fair art thou, my bonnie....." The man started, in a Perthshire brogue.
"Yes, yes." I stopped him. "Thank you."

I wonder what they are putting on their cornflakes? I pondered. I stopped at the last bed before leaving the ward, where a man was sitting up in his bed. "Hello." I said. "I am Celia."
'We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine; But seas between us broad have roared since days of long ago." The man replied in a deep Sutherland tone.

Well, I left the ward in wonderment. As I walked the corridor, I bumped into my HN. "Oh, that ward back there on the left?"
"Yes, what about it?" She asked.
"Is that a mentally handicapped ward?"
"Oh no," She replied. "That is the Burn's unit."

Boom-Boom!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:52 am

What do you call something purple that doesn't commute?

A non-Abelian grape!!!

...

...

...

I'll leave.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Tue Sep 19, 2017 10:21 am

Natasha_Lynn wrote:What do you call something purple that doesn't commute?

A non-Abelian grape!!!

...

...

...

I'll leave.


No, don't leave! That was great, more! more!! more!!!!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Tue Sep 19, 2017 12:23 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:No, don't leave! That was great, more! more!! more!!!!


There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very costly, but all 3 kingdoms wanted it because of its great beauty and resources.

Finally, the monarchs agreed to a way to settle the matter permanently. Each would send their knights and squires to the island and they would fight it out. Whoever’s knights and squires won the day would keep the island forever.

One kingdom sent many knights and each knight had a few squires. The night before the battle, the knights polished their armor while the squires readied the weapons. When the armor was finished, the knights sat around the fire drinking.

The second kingdom sent more knights than the first and each knight had several squires. The night before the battle, the knights drank around the fire while the squires scurried about polishing armor and readying weapons.

The third kingdom only sent one knight and he had only one squire. While the squire polished armor and readied the weapons, the knight hung a single pot from the tallest branch of the tree and tied a rope with a loop at the end from another branch. Then the knight sat by the fire and drank while the squire kept working.

The fateful day came and all the squires came out to the battlefield. (The knights had stayed up too long drinking.) The battle was fierce. In the end, only the lone squire from the third kingdom was left standing. Proving once again, the age old theorem:

The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Tue Sep 19, 2017 3:22 pm

Yay!!!!! I love wordy jokes, I'd never heard that one Natasha! So here is a true story...

A worm collector had a fine collection of worms. He owned every worm known to man from around the globe except one. The Lesser Spotted Hairy.

One day he turned on his tap for a glass of water and no water came out. He put a suction pump on it and out popped a bedraggled worm. It was the Hairy worm he wanted! He gave it the kiss of life and the Lesser Spotted Hairy Worm coughed out a little water.

Well, he was the pride and joy of his collection and he began to ignore his other worms and they all died.

He fed the worm houseflies as he was partial to them and the worm grew. Soon he was feeding the worm Cat food as the worm like it. After a month the worm was three foot long, so he made the worm a nest in his garage.

Soon he was feeding the worm dead chickens and the Hairy grew and grew. After two days, he had to demolish the garage and let him live in the garden and was soon feeding him whole Cows. The local Borough Council stepped in as the worm now measured 40 feet long!

The worm had to be put down. It was an eyesore and a pest and the man was bankrupt buying all the Cows to feed him. They first used fifty pounds of arsenic, but the Lesser Spotted Hairy Worm thrived upon it and grew a few feet longer. they tried explosives, but it did not harm the worm.

"There is only one thing to do." The Mayor said. "We will drop him off the Grand Canyon, nothing lives that drops off the Grand Canyon."

So they hired a Jumbo jet and ripped out the seats, squeezed the worm in and flew him to America. Then they hired the Apollo Rocket carrier and slowly moved The Lesser Spotted Hairy Worm to the edge of the Grand Canyon. The man was allowed to press the button that would tip his friend off the edge, for he had grown very close to him.

He was about to press the button, when John Wayne happened a long and said to the man...
"It's A Long Way To Tip-a-Hairy."

Sorry... :oops:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:55 pm

Use "ameliorate" in a sentence:

Ever since the rise of Yelp, every dinner is ameliorate. ;)
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:25 pm

Thanks Jennifer! Well the worm collector was the kind of man that liked collecting stuff, I knew him well, Herbert Howard Poppleheimer and there is another amazing true story concerning him....

You see, he started collecting tractor stuff. He simply fell in love with tractors. He had every model tractor ever made. He had tractor wallpaper all round his house, he bought tractor pyjamas, tractor duvet sets, tractor underpants, glossy tractor magazines that he hid under his bed... and went to tractor fairs a lot.

Well, one day he was walking down the road and a runaway tractor that I had tried to stop by jumping upon it was bearing down upon him. I swerved to miss a very cute albino Pigeon, but it was too late, I hit Howard.... shmack in the back!

So Howard was laid up in my hospital for seventeen weeks with multiple fractures. When he was finally released, he hated tractors! He tore down the wallpaper, burnt the duvets, pyjamas and underpants and stopped going to tractor fairs. Herbert Howard Poppleheimer now hated tractors!.... though it is rumoured he kept the glossy magazines.

It was a few weeks later that a large fire in a local warehouse occurred in our town. I helped nurse many of the warehouse workers that were suffering smoke inhalation. The fire seemed terribly out of control and I overheard the Fire Chief say if it spread to the firework storage bays, it could spread across the whole town!

It was then that Howard happened along. "What has happened here?" He asked the very busy Fire Chief.

"Don't bother me now Poppleheimer, you can see this fire is getting out of control. I have to think!" The Fire Chief shouted. "Stand back!"
"No you stand back!" Howard retorted.

Well, Howard took a deep intake of breath and he blew as hard as his lungs would allow. The wind was incredible! Although it knocked a firefighter to the ground, Howard's blast of air put the fire out!

"How the hell did you do that!" The Fire Chief asked.
"Oh, easy." Howard replied. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Da-daa!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MorganWoolf » Thu Sep 21, 2017 2:32 am

So, one day, I walked into a Dick's sporting goods with a friend of mine. She took a deep whiff of the store then very loudly declaired:

"I love the smell of Dick's!"

...

...

and I wuz like, "Oh rly? :P"

You shoulda seen the look on her face. XP
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:25 am

Thanks Morgan! She must have been embarrassed!

I love true stories. It was like the time I mentioned earlier, walking the wards of a new hospital. I like talking to patients and encountering a dark lit ward with just three beds I spoke to the man in the first bed.

"How are you this morning?" I asked.
"Terrible!" The man replied.
"Why, what is wrong?"
"I have five large boils upon my thingy Miss, they hurt terribly!"
"Well, I am sure you will recover. How are they treating that"
"Eight strokes of the wire brush." The man winced.
"Oh dear. Well, anything that you want, l am a nurse about to start here."
"No thanks."
"Do you have any ambitions at all?"
"No, just to be able to pee and make love to my wife without pain."

I made my goodbye and moved on to the second bed. "Good Morning."
"Morning!" The man, flat upon his stomach replied.
"Oh dear. What is wrong with you."
"Worst case of piles in the bum that the Doctor has ever known. Very severe and so painful!"
"My, I am sorry." I sympathised. "What treatment are they giving you?"
"Eight strokes of the wire brush Ma'm!" The man contorted his face at the thought of it.
"Well I am sure they will help you. Do you have any ambitions, when you are well again?
"Yes, I will be able to sit on my bum without pain and sleep on my back. Can't wait!"

"Barbaric!" I exclaimed as I approached the third bed. "Good morning!"
"Good Morning." The man replied, very softly and coarsely.
"Oh, sorry I can barely hear you."
"Sore throat, had it for a month, being.... checked out!" The man whispered loudly.
"I am sorry, well are they giving you anything?"
"Yes Miss, eight strokes of the wire brush." He splattered.
"Dear oh dear. Well, do you have any ambitions at all?"
"Yes. To get to that wire brush before them two dirty sods have used it!"

:oops:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Thu Sep 21, 2017 4:30 am

Natasha_Lynn wrote:A non-Abelian grape!!!

I lived on an aircraft carrier for nearly two years but I never had anything fly passed me so quick as that punchline.

Help!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Sep 21, 2017 11:00 am

The purple and the grape are adversary in the joke. An abelian group in algebra is commutative. Yes, I had to look it up at the time, me thinks Natasha is a very clever girl....
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:51 am

So it's time for another true story and the occurrence was quite shocking and rude, so anyone under the age of 46, please leave the room now. Have they gone? Good, then I shall begin........

Long ago, my Great Aunt Celia had a party and it was very poor timing, for the Comlypoople Town District Council had decided to dig up the road that very day and had severed the electrical cable thingy that went to my Great Aunt's cottage.

Well, you can imagine, she had bought cakes and crisps and porked pies. She'd spent hours making sausagy rolls, putting little cubes of cheese on sticks and making a cellophone roll tape of her favourite opera singers of the nineteen twenties. But the music was electricallically operated and the radio too. So the room she'd made for the dance floor was redundant.

As people arrived she apologised. "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do!"
"We can play charades!" I said. "Everyone loves charades."
"Oh, you clever girl, no wonder they named you after me." Great Aunt Celia said.
So everyone played charades, but soon we were tired of charades. Everyone munched away at the food and drank lots of her Raspberry Wine.
"Does anyone know any other parlour games?" Great Aunt Celia asked as everyone was getting quite bored.

"I know a game!" Uncle Ernie offered.
"Everyone, settle down! Uncle Ernie is going to suggest a game." I called out. "Ok Uncle Ernie, what is your game?"
"I will put my right hand into my pocket and you have to guess what I have in my hand."
"OK!" I shouted. "Everyone, now Uncle Ernie is going to put his right hand in his pocket and we have to guess what he has in his hand!"

Well, Uncle Ernie stood up in the centre of the room and put his hand into his pocket.
"A comb!" Great Aunt Ethney wondered.
"No!" Uncle Ernie replied.
"Money?" Little Jane Hawkings asked.
"No!"
"Your cigarettes?" John Hawkings asked.
"No!"
"Matches!" I wondered.
"No."
So, we thought of everything that might be there, but it was fruitless.
"Ok." I finally said. "We give up. What do you have in your hand?"
"It's my right testicle!"
"Uncle Ernie!" I shouted. "How could you, there are children here. That is very naughty. Sit down and please behave!"

So the party continued and we chatted ourselves out and people were soon getting bored again.
"Let's play another game!" Uncle Ernie suddenly declared.
"Not another one like the last one, I hope." I said.
"No, this time I will put my left hand in my pocket and you have to guess what I have in my hand!"
"And it's going to be clean?" I checked.
"Yes, go on try and guess!" Uncle Ernie stood up again and shuffled to the middle of the room with his hand in his left pocket.
"Right everyone!" Great Aunt Celia called. "My Nephew Ernie is going to play another game, we have to guess what he is holding in his left pocket!"
So we asked again, money, comb, matches, sweets. Little Abagail Fortnum-Smythe thought she had something when she asked if it was a gobstopper, for Uncle Ernie had to ponder. Alas it was not. We gave up.

"Ok, Uncle Ernie. What do you have in your left hand?" Great Aunt Celia enquired.
"It's my left testicle!"
"Ok, that's it! One more disgusting outburst like that and you can get your hat and coat and go home!" Great Aunt Celia said, very haughtily. "Disgusting, it's as well my Sister is not here to hear your profanity!"

The party continued for another hour and everyone started looking at their watches. But nobody dare suggest leaving one of Great Aunt Celia's parties.
"Let's play another game!" Uncle Ernie suddenly said.
"O-ooohhh no." I wagged my finger at him.
"Oh yes!" Uncle Ernie leant forward and wagged back.
O-oooooooohh no!" I said, bearing over his armchair, wagging wider than he.
"Let's give the old boy a chance." Cousin Norman said. "It is going to be clean this time, isn't it Uncle Ernie?"
"Of course."
"Ok everyone!" Cousin Norman called, he likes to take over things. "Uncle Ernie has another game. Listen up! What is it?"
"I'll put both my hands in my pocket and you have to guess what I have got in my hands!"
"It had better be clean!" I reminded him. "Or it's get your hat and coat and home for you Uncle Ernie!"
"Ok. I'll try."
"Everyone! We have to guess what Unle Ernie is holding in both his pockets!" Cousin Norman shouted to everyone.

Well, Uncle Ernie shuffled to the middle of the room and thrust his hands into his pockets.
"Oh dear." He said, quietly.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'd better get my hat and coat......."


:oops:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Sep 23, 2017 1:31 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:"I'd better get my hat and coat......."

Image
Yes, please get your hat and coat!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:46 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:"I'd better get my hat and coat......."


I put on my robe and wizard hat.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:26 pm

Well, another true story comes to mind then, as so many love my true stories...... oh and it was dear old Uncle Ernie that got his hat and coat, not me, I had to stay 'til the end and was wearing a shawl and had no hat, actually, in fact, so "you have to sing the poo poo song coz you got it wrong". Many other things occurred that fateful night, but I'll keep you waiting for that now, you naughty girls.

Ahem, so this story comes from the days of yore and involves two of my famous ancestors in Norway, the twin sisters, my Great Aunts of long past. Embla and Walentyna Eriksson.

It was in the 1770's so I am told that Embla and Walentyna traded in an array of vegetables they grew in their small farm near Storslatt. They would sell them in the village, but usually had enough to take to Bergskog, around two mile East, along a rickety road in their horsecart.

One year they had so much they thought they would try a place they had never travelled to, Berglund, a further mile or so. As they gee'd up their Horse, Tamir, a low archway came into sight. They stopped Tamir, put the cart's brake on and considered the problem.

"He is too tall, the cart will fit under the bridge, but Tamir is too high, he will not go under!" Embla said. "What will we do, sister?"
"Don't fret Embla. I have the solution. You go back to yonder stream and get Tamir a drink. I will make a start." Walentyna said. "Go on."
"That stream was a mile away. I hope you know what you're doing!"

Well, Walentyna took out a yard stick and measured Tamir from hoof to tip of ear. "Stand up straight!" she ordered the Horse to do. "Hmmmm."
She took the yardstick and measured the bridge and she went back and measured the upright Horse again. She took a hammer and chisel and began to carve two ruts all along the underside of the stone arch, in the exact shape of the top of Tamir's ears.
"If only Tamir was not so tall!" Walentyna told herself.

Embla finally returned with a satchel of water for Tamir. She slaked the thirsty nag. Then she looked at what her silly sister was doing, her sister had barely chiselled a foot of the two ruts.

"Why, is that the only height difference? Tamirs ears!"
"Yes, two inches too high, to the top of his ears!" "
"Oh, you are so silly Walentyna!"
"Oh, I am, am I?"
"Yes!" Embla laughed. "Any fool could see it would be better to dig a trench, than cut the stone!"

:mrgreen:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Medli » Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:19 pm

A new paleontology museum was set to open in San Francisco. Some displays were still being moved in, but Oprah Winfrey was invited to take an early tour. Staff were in the midst of carrying a display in when a sudden earthquake struck. Oprah braced herself in the door frame to try and stay safe but the tremors were still enough to cause her to lose her balance. After the incident, a museum worker was interviewed and described the scene as follows; Ope in the door get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby Savage She-Hulk » Mon Sep 25, 2017 3:28 am

I do my ivory hunting in Alabama where the Tuscaloosa!
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Re: Fun thread

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Sep 25, 2017 4:05 am

This is an ACTUAL, TRUE but funny story.

In the 1950s NASA was moving a first stage of a rocket by truck. They approached an overhead rail crossing that the height was mis-labeled on trucking maps by a couple of couple of inches.

Approaching the bridge. the truck driver slowed his truck & trailer but the rocket got stuck under the over-crossing - by just an inch. The truck driver, security team and managers gathered around trying to figure out how to unstuck the rocket.

A young boy who was watching yelled out - 'let some air out of the tires'.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Sep 25, 2017 12:59 pm

Thank you Miki, Jennifer and Medli for those, I had not heard neither the two jokes or the rocket story and they were all very good! I do like actual true stories too, just like mine, for it's nice to keep a reality check here.... I'll write another actually very true story very soon!

I know..... you can't wait. Steady on and be patient, for I have to get my dinner then settle down for a night in front of the Magical Rectangular Box that lurks in the corner of my Apartment, wherein Pixies, Sprites and Elves act, dance and sing in the Strange Light of Many Colours for my entertainment. They perform at my whim with the use of my Astral Rectangular Wand of Black and Many Buttons and Hieroglyphic Type Etchings Upon The Aforementioned Buttons.
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Sep 25, 2017 6:19 pm

Hi Everyone!

So I have un-summoned the Magical Box Pixies with my wand and now they are asleep. So I will relate an actual very true story, that concerns Great Uncle Edvard and Uncle Trond in April 1940.

Edvard Eriksson was a pilot and flew the Marinens Flyvebaatfabrikk throughout the 1930's and later the Short S-25 Sunderland, from around 1938. He serviced the northern fjords of Norway. He berthed the Flying Boats upon the fjord called Ramfjorden and lived in Storslatt, our ancestral home.

So when the Nazi wankers marched into Norway, in April 1940, in true Eriksson style half the family hid under the dining table and half took flight. Edvard took this quite literally and took his wife, Marit, his son Trond and my newlywed Grandparents, (that was his brother Oyvind Eriksson and my Grandma Isabell) to England.

Now Trond is my eldest Uncle and he was not the brightest soul at 15 years of age, or evermore after that in actual fact. They flew across the North Sea and headed for Newcastle. Trond sat in the co-pilot's seat with Edvard at the controls.

It was an unfortunate evening, for not only was there a Haar upon the sea, to prevent low flying, the air further above was extremely turbulent. The Short S-25 Sunderland Flying Boat was not built for it. Soon one of the four engines failed, bloop, splut, slurp, jigger-jigger, on the left!

"We will take another fifteen minutes!" Edvard said to his son, Trond. "How frustrating, still we have three engines left!"

"Oh dear!" Trond replied.

Well, the Flying Boat jigged up and down and everyone was getting quite sick in the back. When plop-plup-blurp! The second engine failed on the right!

"Oh my, well that is half an hour upon our journey!" Edvard informed Trond. "What a bother, still, we have two engines left!"

"Oh dear!" Trond replied.

The Sunderland chugged on. But turbulence hit again! Siggle, dottery, dottery, fligger, florp, sluuuurp! The third engine failed on the right!

"We only have one engine!" Edvard told Trond. "That's another hour on our journey."

"Oh dear!" Trond replied. "Well let's hope that the fourth engine does not fail. We could be up here all night!"

:thumb:
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Re: Fun thread

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:36 am

Hi Everyone, it's long past due for one of my very actually true stories, I know you have all been waiting very patiently, so I will begin.

!n 1832, Hakon, my Great, Great, Great, Great Gandfather, took his son, a Great Uncle, Oddvar to one side.
"Son, you are now 24 years old and you have never been with a woman, why is that son."
"I am worried Father. You have never told me about the Birds and the Bees."
"You mean the Seal and the Skuas son, we are in Norway in 1832."
"Oh yes." Oddvar replied. "Sorry Dad, I forgot."
"Well Son, it is time you learnt." Hakon declared. "I shall take you far south to the great city Bergen and I shall give you 50 Crowns to have a woman and you shall know everything about them."

So Hakon and Oddvar saddled up Thorsgildd, their trusty steed and rode together for seventeen days to Bergen. After much debate in taverns, Hakon and Oddvar had chosen their Lady of the Night and Hakon gave Oddvar the 50 Crowns.

As Hakon watched his Son being led upstairs by Gunnhilda, the chosen one, he began to worry. I know my son, He thought. He will split the money with her and spend it on fishcakes instead!. So Hakon stealthily climbed the stairs and listened from the otherside of the door. He was quite surprised. Oddvar and Gunnhilda were already at it!

"Oh, what a big boy you are Oddvar!" Gunnhilda cried. "Wonderful!"
Chip off the old block, just like me!, Hakon thought.

"Oh Oddvar!" Gunnhilda screamed. "Give me another inch, I will knock 10 crowns off my fee!"
And Hakon listened.

"Ohhhhhh! Oddvar!" Gunnhilda panted. "Another inch, another inch! I will take another 10 Crowns off of my fee!"

Well, this was too much for Hakon. He bashed the door open and ran to the bed.
"Move out of the way son, at this rate we'll make a profit!"
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