im not happy.

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im not happy.

Postby Demon » Sat Oct 28, 2017 10:21 am

Every time I take my pill at night, I wake up in the Morning feeling demotivated, like I don't want to do anything, and all the joy is sucked out of me. But if I don't take my pill at night, each morning I wake up angry about my romantic interests who dumped me and treated me terribly.

Ponytails visited me, and within the span of 24 hours I was able to feel a feminine nurturing emotion in me, an emotion I had not experienced for years. But after she left, I began to fade back into my demonic ways.

Each morning I wake up with masculine or semi-masculine dreams. These dreams have no substance, they remind me of Yugioh or a cheap action movie. And all of the dreams I have during the night, I forget. The T poison has waged a war on my mind, a war that I have lost. I can no longer resist it. I can only sit back and let it maul me to death, without resistance. I have fallen into the pit and become a Larry the Cable Guy. I watch sports, I have no choice but to. There is nothing else to do. I don't really enjoy sports, I just watch it for a momentary distraction from the void. The void consumes me.

I remember back when I was a little child, I had interest in magic. I would get so happy when I got a new flavor of bubble yum. In a car I would look out the window, enchanted and entranced by the beauty of nature. I also liked trains, and legos. But now those days are gone. Only left is the void. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am litterally trying like Frodo to re-enter the Shire. But once my mind has been fragmented by the T poison, there is no going back to the old days. It's like trying to fit my gigantic brain into a bottle. I can't go back to the good old days of my childhood. I cannot undo the damage of the T poison. I am mentally damaged.

I cannot fight against my own physical ugliness. When I was on E, I would limit my activities, whenever I deemed an activity as uncouth or aesthetically displeasing, I avoided it, because I feared it would increase my ugliness. But now I am so ugly that I can do anything. It would be almost empowering in a way, if it weren't so depressing.

When I was a child, I would talk to my dolls, endlessly. But I cannot do that anymore. To many years of loneliness to allow myself to have Imaginary friends. My brain is too damaged, it cannot blue pill anymore. I cannot re-enter the Matrix.

Last night, I was browsing Google images and accidentally saw some disturbing images. It was 2 AM and I could not get the images out of my head. I did not wish to see those images. The sheer cruelty of it I could not bear. Human on human cruelty, it was so inhuman. I somehow felt guilty for even looking at the image, even though I never wanted to see it in the first place. Such images remind me of trying to eat chicken salad, yet suddenly biting into disgusting cartilage. The sheer lack of humanity of the image was detestable. Somehow I felt like I was guilty for all of humanity's crimes. Maybe I was them in a past life. I needed to repent for my sins. I prayed to the Lord that he would have mercy on me. That I begged for mercy. Even though I am not sure if God is real. I beg for mercy.

To get the disturbing images out of my head, I googled browsing for Male pornography because for some reason I was lusting for males. And I click a Gay website but instead of Male pornography it shows me underage girls. I never searched for underage girls. The link I clicked said it was male pornography not even girls. Now I am afraid the FBI will lock me in prison for a crime I didn't commit. My life is nothing but stress and hardship and paranoia. I beg for mercy. I should have took her advice and just not looked at porn.

So I left the website immediately and took at as a sign that Males are not for me and I should never search for gay porn again. I found some adult lesbian porn. While I was watching the porn I felt very good and happy. But right after I orgasmed I went back to thinking "whats the point." I'm not perceived as a lesbian and noone wants me. And I felt completely demotivated again.

I have experimented with E again. E gives me a sex drive but with the sex drive comes jealous rage. But at least I am able to feel something, even if it is mostly suffering. Also, nobody on my facebook talks to me or gives the slightest care about me. Nobody wants me. And for this motivation I lose my enthusiasm to read, it feels like too much work, I just want to fade into everlasting nothing. I told Ponytails that I would draw, but after all my sins can I even draw? The internet is a cesspool of evil, the most toxic thing in this world. I wish it never existed.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: im not happy.

Postby dreamin » Mon Oct 30, 2017 12:34 am

i messaged you about this just now (board let me back in) ;p
:)
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: im not happy.

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:14 pm

Demon wrote: My life is nothing but stress and hardship and paranoia. I beg for mercy. I should have took her advice and just not looked at porn.
I told Ponytails that I would draw, but after all my sins can I even draw? The internet is a cesspool of evil, the most toxic thing in this world. I wish it never existed.


Some time after we spent time together, the fallen angel girl sees the demon girl in a McDonalds. The fallen angel girl comes over to sit down with the demon girl, and listen to all that has transpired in the meantime. The fallen angel girl is saddened that the demon girl is still having a rough time with life, especially with regard to dreams, and time on the Internet.

The fallen angel girl offers an illustration to explain something about being on the Internet. Would anyone order a delicious pizza, with all of their favorite toppings, and then for the finishing touch and taste, sprinkle Hemlock or Arsenic powder on the pizza, and then eat it ? No, my dear, no ! The arsenic does not add any useful taste or enjoyment to the pizza, but can kill you in the end. Likewise, being on the Internet can be a delicious experience, if you know where to go to read and view about your favorite subjects and entertainment. But don't sprinkle your Internet diet with porn, as it does not add any useful taste or enjoyment to yourself, but can potentially kill you emotionally or spiritually in the end.

The fallen angelic girl then recommends an alternative to Internet porn. The following, although being G or PG17 rated, is some of the most excruciating, intense, and mind electrifying visual experiences, as well as being hard-core, kick-butt, and the most bizarre and erotic visual sensations that the fallen angel girl has ever come across, IMO. Maybe you will enjoy it, too, Demon !

These are called " Henshins [ Transformation Sequences ] ", and have more of a emotional and spiritual kick than any type of Internet porn that can be had, IMO---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvES9mNQ-vs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3rAdni4WYc

And here are anime boy to anime girl Henshins, the most erotic and stimulating of all, IMO---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzVQAfoP1OY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FHoDSxBWj0

A cross-cosplayer does Card Captor Sakura

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj4ttWEYjCw

And this one is not a Henshin, but is so unbelievely cute and innocent, that it really packs a punch, IMO---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJnWo5Jx7W8

As the fallen angel girl leaves the demon girl, and the McDonalds, she hopes that somehow she has helped the demon girl to upgrade one aspect of her Internet experience, away from poison, to something that is so, so erotic, but with a much better flavor and aftertaste !
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SpunGold

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: im not happy.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Tue Nov 14, 2017 11:56 am

Demon, I feel terribly sad for you. I am a very happy and bright person that sees all things in life as good and have always made the best of even the darkest times and I went through some frickin' terrible times, believe me. I would so much want you to feel the same but I know that is nigh on a ridiculous impossibilty to convey with words just how wonderful life can be if when you grasp it by the horns and refuse to be broken by anything life throws at you.

I want so much too, I want lots of stuff done and lots of pretty things that I can't afford, but I think that I have to make the best of it and shine as bright as I possibly can. I think ahead of how I will make the best of anything looming that I don't want to have to do and turn it into at least a little bit of fun somehow...

I fall for porn too, as most people do, I like looking at men once or twice a week and I can't help it, I have to whilst I'm single. I am fortunate not to have fallen in the misdirected internet trap you did, but don't worry, it would be clear that you were mislead on to a site of that disgusting stuff. But Ponytails is right, even watching a man I do not know, on an old video on a porn channel.... it is dark and not good for the soul.

Ponytails is an amazing person, very nice and she clearly cares about you. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Cherry Cola Lola » Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:48 pm

My heart breaks reading this but I thank you for that. It is a rare gift for another human to share their experience, though dark it may be, with such openness and honesty. My heart especially breaks because I feel such a kinship, I see so much that I struggled with and continue to struggle with today. But I have tools and suggestions that have absolutely turned my life around, or at least, the way I think about my life and that's all that matters I guess, our thoughts and experiences.

Your super power is empathy and you just need the tools to control it. So powerful a super power that if not tamed it can render even a demoness powerless.

We, you and I and well, everyone, understand something about the shared human experience that very much makes us one and not individuals. The sense of self, the sense of individuality is an illusion.(Thanks Dan Dennet!) This sense that we are an individual consciousness, residing somewhere in our heads, driving our bodies around is an illusion. We know that we don't "have" a body, we "are" the body. Everything I'm about to say, you already know, intuitively. Everything that makes PonyTails charming and magical, that nurturing feeling you experienced in her presence and the happiness is also within you. It all happened in your brain after all, not hers, not anyone else's. That feeling you had with Pony was wholly created by you, in your brain. All the biochemical components and physical structures are within you already. So how to tap into that experience again and at will? MEDITATION! Specifically, something called mindfulness meditation.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/th ... meditation

I'm no guru and can only barely touch the fringes of what must be the experience of some Yogi that's meditated in a cave for 20 years, but my miniscule exploration of the technique has opened my world and made it wondrous again. I have the coolest MHP too who clued me into this stuff.

Meditation doesn't have to be all new agey or spiritual either, there is scientific and empirical proof that meditation activates parts of the brain associated with decreased anxiety and depression, while also activating parts of the brain responsible for improved memory, greater self awareness, and goal setting. Check out this brief intro video...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... w71zanwMnY

It physically changes your brains shape and size, actually increasing the life span of your brains cells and ramping up your immune system. All measurable effects in the lab.

My lay understanding of using meditation to control or stop the evil train of thoughts is to take a moment and meditate on it. To be so mindful and present in the moment, so mindful of the experience of the despair or anxiety or violent jealousy whatever, that you totally embrace it, own it. It's the only thing you will allow in your mind. Let it wash over you and experience it so fully that it becomes nothing but energy. That's all it is anyway, just energy bouncing around particular neural pathways in your brain. Now that it's just a bit of energy that you own, you may dispel it at will. We understand these feelings will sometimes promote themselves to consciousness and we also know that we can completely take ownership of those feelings and thoughts and we can dismiss them or call upon them again at our convenience. Perhaps you're an artist and need to recall those feelings of pain and despair to better instill it into the artwork?

The experience is our reality, that's all there is, just experience. In fact, with the multiverse and quantum physics as accepted theory, it can be credibly argued that reality is just a simulation, just like the Matrix.

You're a Simulation and Physics Can Prove It. Ever play video games? Is It conceivable that humans will continue to create ever more sophisticated simulations eventually indistinguishable from reality? Could you then envision a future human wanting to run multiple simulations? Who's to say it hasn't already been done?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... hfoo9NBEow

And the icing on the cake is Quantum theory and a little cat, makes whatever strange fiction religion can come up with sound mundane and boring. You don't have to go back to childhood to believe in magic these days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkVpMAbNOAo

Reality is better than magic, so grab it by the balls and have your way with it.
Last edited by Cherry Cola Lola on Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby MikiSJ » Tue Nov 14, 2017 10:45 pm

Cherry Cola Lola wrote:Reality is better than magic, so grab it by the balls and have your way with it.

Arthur C. Clarkes Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Cherry Cola Lola » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:41 am

[quote="MikiSJ"][quote="Cherry Cola Lola"]Reality is better than magic, so grab it by the balls and have your way with it.[/quote]
Arthur C. Clarkes Third Law:
[quote]Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.[/quote][/quote]

Well played!

*activates erudite protocol A.I. app*

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I seem to remember a time before Google when I was a complete idiot. Couldn't find my way out of a wet paper bag and my forum posts were just dumb. My next exploration of our shared knowledge will be to figure out how to quote another poster correctly and at the rate technology is increasing, it's just a matter of time until I figure it out. 8)
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Demon » Thu Nov 16, 2017 5:00 pm

You're a Simulation and Physics Can Prove It.

Life is a simulation. But I am not a simulation, I am just stuck in a crappy simulation. There are rigged and scripted events. Sometimes events change because of my thoughts. But that doesn't mean I am powerful. None of the events are my true desires. Life is a computer simulation, but it is not a good one.

I would so much want you to feel the same but I know that is nigh on a ridiculous impossibilty to convey with words just how wonderful life can be if when you grasp it by the horns and refuse to be broken by anything life throws at you.

I cannot be happy when the world wages a battle against me, nefarious demons wage a secret battle against me, and my own body wages a battle against me as well. Literally I am stuck in a body I don't want to be and doesn't represent myself.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:44 pm

Demon wrote:Life is a simulation.


This is something that can be proven but has by no means been proven yet. If we find out that physical and quantum properties operate on a system of finite points instead of one of infinite points then we're really cooking with gas as far as simulation theory goes. We're nowhere near that yet.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Cherry Cola Lola » Fri Nov 17, 2017 8:52 am

Demon wrote:
You're a Simulation and Physics Can Prove It.

Life is a simulation. But I am not a simulation, I am just stuck in a crappy simulation. There are rigged and scripted events. Sometimes events change because of my thoughts. But that doesn't mean I am powerful. None of the events are my true desires. Life is a computer simulation, but it is not a good one. .


Because it's such a crappy simulation of little joy, means you most likely are not a human and are in fact just another simulation, like me. In the computer games I actually play, I'm usually the heroine, generally kicking ass and taking names. In the real simulation, we're just the pee-on's in someone else's hero story. Pretty sure we're just figments of Trumps imagination or simulated peasants in his simulated reality. Probably best to keep taking the blue pill. Our pathetic intelligence probably wouldn't be able to hack the real reality. I can barely wrap my head around existing in a 4 dimensional space only to be told that there are at least 10 more dimensions that need sorting. :o

Ya, I'm out. Good luck with all that scientist jerkoffs. :x
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:34 am

It's me guys; I'm the one running the simulation!
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Re: im not happy.

Postby dreamin » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:52 am

Natasha_Lynn wrote:It's me guys; I'm the one running the simulation!

then FIX it ffs... omg, you literally put a container of TANG in office
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:57 am

dreamin wrote:
Natasha_Lynn wrote:It's me guys; I'm the one running the simulation!

then FIX it ffs... omg, you literally put a container of TANG in office


Look, I'm not that good with computers. Maybe I could make things better if I could find where the damn "any key" was.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Nov 17, 2017 12:43 pm

Sorry! It was me, your Brigadier General, (that's me folks!). I accidentically dropped it in one of those mile wide steel pot wotzits, full of gloop with the giant stirrer thingys above them. About the 137th one along from your control room. Was it important?
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Lucy-chan » Fri Nov 17, 2017 4:28 pm

Philosopher René decarte said 'i think therefore, i am'. The basic philosophical statement.

What it means is, no one can no for sure that life isn't an illusion. But you can know that YOU exist. Because your thinking.
If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Fri Nov 17, 2017 4:52 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:Sorry! It was me, your Brigadier General, (that's me folks!). I accidentically dropped it in one of those mile wide steel pot wotzits, full of gloop with the giant stirrer thingys above them. About the 137th one along from your control room. Was it important?


Ehh, it ran Linux anyway. No loss. Your simulation might start glitching out a little more than normal though. Be on the lookout for self-aware 6-dimensional fractals that tear you apart on contact. If you see one, just shake a can of pennies and maybe that will drive it away. Maybe.
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Re: im not happy.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:18 pm

Natasha_Lynn wrote:
CeliaEriksson wrote:Sorry! It was me, your Brigadier General, (that's me folks!). I accidentically dropped it in one of those mile wide steel pot wotzits, full of gloop with the giant stirrer thingys above them. About the 137th one along from your control room. Was it important?


Ehh, it ran Linux anyway. No loss. Your simulation might start glitching out a little more than normal though. Be on the lookout for self-aware 6-dimensional fractals that tear you apart on contact. If you see one, just shake a can of pennies and maybe that will drive it away. Maybe.


A fractal came, but I had already given the pennies to a dishevelled homeless Plasma Hedgehog. Luckily a bunch of friendly Cosmic Moths corrected the situation by deflecting the fractal to the 7thD with the empty can. Am going to ride a Zinc Carbon Dolphin into the all the pots of human unborn gloop and try to find the key.
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