Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

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Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:46 pm

I was born male and have been male for twenty years. I had tried on girls clothes in my early teens and a bit rather recently. I have had dreams where I've been a girl, though it happened very rarely (I always wanted it to happen more frequently). Before I hit puberty I hung out with allot of girls at school during recess. I had also never really thought about if I was gay or straight or bi until very recently.

As of about a week ago something felt off. I went to put on some of my sisters clothes for..."entertainment" reasons, and for unknown reasons it didn't do anything for me in that respect. Instead something felt unlocked or found. I experimented, in secret, over the next few days with different articles of clothing and found that they made me happy. I smiled at my image in the mirror and I felt pretty and cute and happy. I've never felt this way before in my life and I don't understand it. I immediately started researching transgender anything and everything.

What I need to know, from transgender women preferably (they might understand what I'm going through), how did you feel before you knew you for sure that you were transgender? I don't want to jump in headfirst and find out I'm just weird. Please, any info and help is better than none. I want to know. It's been bugging me all the time know.

Thank you
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:20 am

I will use an analogy.

Imagine a radio, lousy reception, lots of static and noise, then one day, you finally learn how to fine tune the station, and you realize, YES!, I wasn't hearing things, it really was saying what I thought it was saying.

Kinda how I sum up my transition.

I KNEW I was me, and not him, but, hormone therapy unlocked all the parts of me, he had been burying.

Then stuff just starting making sense. Hindsight, it's a wonderful thing. I started understanding all of the weird things he did for what they were. They weren't weird to me at all. They were just the parts he couldn't fully paint over. He tried to ignore them, but, they wouldn't go away. They weirded him out, but me, they made logical sense.

In the last 3 years, I've enjoyed a steady progress, an ever improving sense of self.
I'm happy where he was confused and anything but happy.
I'm content where he couldn't understand what was wrong.

Yeah, the voice in my head sounds like a male voice, and it's like, "I wish I sounded like a girl". But oh well, I at least talk like a girl. And over time, I've learned how to dress like a girl and behave more appropriately like a girl to the point that now, regardless of how much I might convincingly pass as cis female, I'm correctly treated like a girl. I no longer dread using the ladies room. I belong there, and my every action reinforces this. And confidence certainly helps. Getting my legal name and gender on my ID sure helped. Being able to say "I AM a woman" and shove my ID in their face if need be, sure helps.

I'm post-op now, and oh my god, was that every a turning point for me. Not needing to share a bubble bath with that damned thing.

But the road does have some spots you want to visit before you get radical.
Put yourself in front of a skilled professional who will ask all of the awkward embarrassing questions you might not have thought of. Because if you are NOT transgender, you don't want to make the mistake of thinking you are. If you ARE transgender, then you want to have the complete picture of what's involved.

Some don't like the gatekeepers as we call them, but, hormone therapy only fixes transgender people. It fucks up non-transgender people. So you want to be informed before taking them.

And remember, it's transGENDER. Not transSEXUAL. You can be transgender, and any form of sexuality.
Your sexuality doesn't determine your gender. Me, I am a perfectly hetero female. I just happen to be a transgender hetero female. I'm not one iota gay. Just because I was born to a male looking form doesn't mean my liking men means I'm gay. Gay is men liking men. I'm not male, thus I can't be gay. And if a gay man says he likes me, he needs to accept, I'm not male, and I won't appreciate him treating me like a man.

Your only 'choice' is what you do when you decide you are transgender. Because transgender people are BORN transgender, we don't 'become' transgender. So, you either always were transgender, or you never will be. How you move on from that decision is the real challenge. Many simply can't become their real self due to external forces they can't control.

Feel free to openly ask questions here. Most of us are willing to discuss anything you might need to talk about.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:57 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:I will use an analogy.

And remember, it's transGENDER. Not transSEXUAL. You can be transgender, and any form of sexuality.
Your sexuality doesn't determine your gender. Me, I am a perfectly hetero female. I just happen to be a transgender hetero female. I'm not one iota gay. Just because I was born to a male looking form doesn't mean my liking men means I'm gay. Gay is men liking men. I'm not male, thus I can't be gay. And if a gay man says he likes me, he needs to accept, I'm not male, and I won't appreciate him treating me like a man.

Your only 'choice' is what you do when you decide you are transgender. Because transgender people are BORN transgender, we don't 'become' transgender. So, you either always were transgender, or you never will be. How you move on from that decision is the real challenge. Many simply can't become their real self due to external forces they can't control.


Nothing you said makes any sense and is just erroneous. It's just nonsense and misinformation.

TransSEXUAL is not talking about any kind of sexuality. It means they want to transform their body to another sex.

Second of all, not all people are born transgender, for instance some crossdressers are not born crossdressers and choose to as adults. But crossdressers are transgender.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 2:04 am

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:I will use an analogy.

And remember, it's transGENDER. Not transSEXUAL. You can be transgender, and any form of sexuality.
Your sexuality doesn't determine your gender. Me, I am a perfectly hetero female. I just happen to be a transgender hetero female. I'm not one iota gay. Just because I was born to a male looking form doesn't mean my liking men means I'm gay. Gay is men liking men. I'm not male, thus I can't be gay. And if a gay man says he likes me, he needs to accept, I'm not male, and I won't appreciate him treating me like a man.

Your only 'choice' is what you do when you decide you are transgender. Because transgender people are BORN transgender, we don't 'become' transgender. So, you either always were transgender, or you never will be. How you move on from that decision is the real challenge. Many simply can't become their real self due to external forces they can't control.


Nothing you said makes any sense and is just erroneous. It's just nonsense and misinformation.

TransSEXUAL is not talking about any kind of sexuality. It means they want to transform their body to another sex.

Second of all, not all people are born transgender, for instance some crossdressers are not born crossdressers and choose to as adults. But crossdressers are transgender.


You just stated an opinion, and nothing else.

TranSEXUAL was typed that way, you clearly missed the context. Context is a literary matter. You might try to master it. The term transsexual is acknowledged as no longer current and is now considered under the umbrella term transgender. Hey, that's not me saying it that's the community saying so. Argue if you want, but yer arguing with the community not me.

YES, transgender people ARE born that way. That's a medical fact. Get used to it, or not, I couldn't care less. I'm also not arguing why the sky is blue.

Cross-dressers are cross-dressers. Not even relevant. If I were to start wearing men's clothing, I'd be effectively cross-dressing as a man. What was your point here mentioning crossdressing? Has nothing to do with sexuality or gender. It's just crossdressing.

Demon, considering a lot of your posts, it's funny you accuse me of nonsense and misinformation.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:29 am

@Lesley Niyori

How do I visit a therapist without my parents knowing? Do I tell them why I feel I should go see a therapist? How far down the rabbit hole should I go before telling them I'm in Wonderland?
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Bea » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:48 am

Leave your sister's clothes alone, though. That's disrespectful.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:03 am

Bea wrote:
> Leave your sister's clothes alone, though. That's disrespectful.

Ok. Do you have any other suggestion? Preferably cheap ones.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby SophieCantDance » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:54 am

Thrift shops are always a cheap option to build a wardrobe. Personally I stole my sister's clothes all the time growing up. Disrespectful? Maybe, but I also still have a faint scar from when she stabbed me with a fork so I am calling it even ;p

As far as telling your parents about seeing a therapist, why would you at all, Is it an insurance issue? You should be able to get a referral just by going to a walk-in clinic, that is what I did, but I guess it is a little dependant on where you live.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:58 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:
You just stated an opinion, and nothing else.

TranSEXUAL was typed that way, you clearly missed the context. Context is a literary matter. You might try to master it. The term transsexual is acknowledged as no longer current and is now considered under the umbrella term transgender. Hey, that's not me saying it that's the community saying so. Argue if you want, but yer arguing with the community not me.

YES, transgender people ARE born that way. That's a medical fact. Get used to it, or not, I couldn't care less. I'm also not arguing why the sky is blue.

Cross-dressers are cross-dressers. Not even relevant. If I were to start wearing men's clothing, I'd be effectively cross-dressing as a man. What was your point here mentioning crossdressing? Has nothing to do with sexuality or gender. It's just crossdressing.

Demon, considering a lot of your posts, it's funny you accuse me of nonsense and misinformation.


Blablabla, keep talking because you ain't gonna never admit that you're wrong.

Facts:
The term transsexual is still current and describes anyone serious about changing their body to a certain sex.
Facts:
I already knew TRANSGENDER was an umbrella terminology, I am Well Aware especially since the INTRO PAGE of this website describes what transgender is loud and clear.

Some transgender people are born that way, some develop it over time. Just like some gays are born that way, and some develop it over time. But theres no use arguing with someone who lives in a bubble and just wants to lump everyone into one-size-fits-all box.

The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here, therefore they are relevant to this website. Maybe not to you but to the website. Second of all, crossdressing has a lot to do with sexuality and gender. Some crossdressers dress for sexual arousal. Others dress because they can't handle the stress of the male gender.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:09 am

"The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here" The site also has cis allies here who are NOT transgender. Being welcome here won't make you transgender.

The site also has rules and guidelines, and it's fairly plain they were a waste of time reading them.
Thus, anything found on this forum is a well your enjoyment might be a varied prospect.

I don't need to win this argument by the way.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:15 pm

[quote="SophieCantDance"]Thrift shops are always a cheap option to build a wardrobe. Personally I stole my sister's clothes all the time growing up. Disrespectful? Maybe, but I also still have a faint scar from when she stabbed me with a fork so I am calling it even ;p

As far as telling your parents about seeing a therapist, why would you at all, Is it an insurance issue? You should be able to get a referral just by going to a walk-in clinic, that is what I did, but I guess it is a little dependant on where you live.[/quote]

The thing is, I live with my parents and I'm on their insurance. Also I live in Alabama. I used to live in California before moving here with my family a little over a year ago. I feel really trapped right now because I want to seek a professionals opinion, but I'm afraid to tell my parents, because I'm afraid of their reaction. Also I come from a christian household...so that might also be a problem.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby SophieCantDance » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:24 pm

That is fair. Maybe someone else is able to give you guidance on that. I am not very familiar with the medical system in the states, and I moved out of my parent's house at seventeen. If you have a family doctor perhaps you could talk to that person instead?
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:32 pm

We don't really have a family doctor. We didn't even get a new dentist until recently, even though I kept bugging them to get one. I did briefly talk with my ex who went through something similar I think, and she said talk to people, find a therapist, join a forum and talk to people who are confirmed transgender and ask how they felt at the beginning of their realization/coming out period.

And now I'm here. I haven't actually received any new advice or information, so I'm still just as confused as when I first started getting these strong feelings.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:36 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:"The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here" The site also has cis allies here who are NOT transgender. Being welcome here won't make you transgender.

The site also has rules and guidelines, and it's fairly plain they were a waste of time reading them.
Thus, anything found on this forum is a well your enjoyment might be a varied prospect.

I don't need to win this argument by the way.


But I do. Because I'm right and you are wrong.
You said yourself that transgender is an umbrella term. Which it is. Which it also includes crossdressers.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:44 pm

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:"The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here" The site also has cis allies here who are NOT transgender. Being welcome here won't make you transgender.

The site also has rules and guidelines, and it's fairly plain they were a waste of time reading them.
Thus, anything found on this forum is a well your enjoyment might be a varied prospect.

I don't need to win this argument by the way.


But I do. Because I'm right and you are wrong.
You said yourself that transgender is an umbrella term. Which it is. Which it also includes crossdressers.


Please, Demon,

I understand that you're going through a tough time yourself. Having difficulty refinding yourself, or fear you've lost yourself entirely. But that's no reason to get mad a someone else just because they are using looser language. I'm very sorry for what's going on in your life right now and I hope everything gets better.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:45 pm

cheshirecat97 wrote:
Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:"The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here" The site also has cis allies here who are NOT transgender. Being welcome here won't make you transgender.

The site also has rules and guidelines, and it's fairly plain they were a waste of time reading them.
Thus, anything found on this forum is a well your enjoyment might be a varied prospect.

I don't need to win this argument by the way.


But I do. Because I'm right and you are wrong.
You said yourself that transgender is an umbrella term. Which it is. Which it also includes crossdressers.


Please, Demon,

I understand that you're going through a tough time yourself. Having difficulty refinding yourself, or fear you've lost yourself entirely. But that's no reason to get mad a someone else just because they are using looser language. I'm very sorry for what's going on in your life right now and I hope everything gets better.


Im not even raging right now. I am just somewhat irritated that the internet is so full of misleading information. I am on a mini-campaign to clean up the internet.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:51 pm

Demon wrote:
cheshirecat97 wrote:
Please, Demon,

I understand that you're going through a tough time yourself. Having difficulty refinding yourself, or fear you've lost yourself entirely. But that's no reason to get mad a someone else just because they are using looser language. I'm very sorry for what's going on in your life right now and I hope everything gets better.


Im not even raging right now. I am just somewhat irritated that the internet is so full of misleading information. I am on a mini-campaign to clean up the internet.


My apologies for the misinterpretation. I do this with texts too. I read it how I think the person who wrote it felt. I usually guess wrong. I try to use emoji's in casual conversation with my friends to convey my emotion, but... I don't know where I'm going with this any more. I'm sorry again. :)
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby SophieCantDance » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:05 pm

@cheshirecat

Well everyone's experience is different. Myself, I went through a number of years not really knowing what I was feeling, but knowing that I didn't feel like I fit the mould that society wanted for me. I posted here: http://tgboards.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=22058&p=342591&hilit=aha+moment#p342591 about my sort of moment of realization. The thing is not everyone has a stark moment that they can point to and say "this is when I knew 100%". It is a complicated issue, wrapped up in your upbringing and exposure. I remember as a kid, I must have been six or seven or so, I had asked my mother if I could grow out my hair. When I next saw my grandfather his first words were "Your hair makes you look like a girl". I could hear the judgement in his voice, and it broke my heart. The next day I asked my mother to cut my hair short again, because I couldn't deal with my own family judging me like that.


That is really the strongest reason to see a therapist; not to hear their opinion, but to have a truly neutral person to act as a sounding board for your thoughts, and feelings.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:12 pm

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:"The site INTRO PAGE says crossdressers are welcome here" The site also has cis allies here who are NOT transgender. Being welcome here won't make you transgender.

The site also has rules and guidelines, and it's fairly plain they were a waste of time reading them.
Thus, anything found on this forum is a well your enjoyment might be a varied prospect.

I don't need to win this argument by the way.


But I do. Because I'm right and you are wrong.
You said yourself that transgender is an umbrella term. Which it is. Which it also includes crossdressers.


Cross-dresser isn't a gender. Not sure how you missed that. Don't care.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:22 pm

Responses from family friends and society are just so varied.

My mom had trouble in the beginning.

She's old, frail, lousy ability to grasp and keep track of details. Misgenders me a lot. I don't think it's intentional, she just has trouble retaining focus.

She has made it known my father was weak to red, likely would be vulnerable to how I look like mom when she was 50 and wear red. Probably would have him wrapped around my finger if he was still alive. Sadly, he never met me.

She also told me she had wanted a second daughter. Didn't think she'd have to wait this long though :)

I get along better with my older brother now that I am his little sister.

I've always had a good relationship with my son. He's ok with me being mum, and more recently due to the whole age thing, being a 'friend'.

I lost some friends that couldn't let go of him and let me be me. Their reasons all sucked.
I've made so many seriously awesome friends as me since I arrived that never knew him.
My friends are better than his ever were.

I've never had self-esteem issues like he did.
I like me just fine.
I actually think I'm way better than he ever was.
I also look younger and look better.

You don't need to win the acceptance of others though. You need to win your acceptance of you.
You won't really be happy until you like you.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:40 pm

cheshirecat97 wrote:My apologies for the misinterpretation. I do this with texts too. I read it how I think the person who wrote it felt. I usually guess wrong. I try to use emoji's in casual conversation with my friends to convey my emotion, but... I don't know where I'm going with this any more. I'm sorry again. :)


It's fine, no worries. Just work on magic telepathy, like others have here, and you'll be fine in the future. :D

Lesley Niyori wrote:Cross-dresser isn't a gender. Not sure how you missed that. Don't care.


Never said it was, don't put words into my mouth. But crossdressers are transgender. This is what I was told by 90% of the trans community. I guess you are right and 90% of the trans community is wrong.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 2:08 pm

"Never said it was, don't put words into my mouth. But crossdressers are transgender. This is what I was told by 90% of the trans community. I guess you are right and 90% of the trans community is wrong."

Put words in your mouth? Don't make pointless accusations. I never said those words.
And throwing around percentages without statistical documentation is the same for you as it is for anyone else.

Crossdressers CAN be transgender. You clearly lack adequate reading skills and cognitive powers.
Yes, crossdressers can be transgender. They can also be blacks and democrats and Americans and baseball players, and YouTubers.
But crossdresser isn't a gender. Crossdressing is a choice of activity. Vegetarian isn't a gender choice either. But you can be one and transgender.

Sometimes demon, you make a slight bit of sense. I saw a post from you recently and it was actually coherent.
But most of the time you sound like you essentially just lack fibre in a big way.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby cheshirecat97 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 4:55 pm

You seem busy. I'll go look for help elsewhere.

thank you for your time
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:42 pm

cheshirecat97 wrote:You seem busy. I'll go look for help elsewhere.

thank you for your time


I suspect you will soon discover there isn't any elsewhere. Took me a while to admit it, but, it's true.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Help please, I don't know what I'm feeling

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:46 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:"Never said it was, don't put words into my mouth. But crossdressers are transgender. This is what I was told by 90% of the trans community. I guess you are right and 90% of the trans community is wrong."

Put words in your mouth? Don't make pointless accusations. I never said those words.
And throwing around percentages without statistical documentation is the same for you as it is for anyone else.

Crossdressers CAN be transgender. You clearly lack adequate reading skills and cognitive powers.
Yes, crossdressers can be transgender. They can also be blacks and democrats and Americans and baseball players, and YouTubers.
But crossdresser isn't a gender. Crossdressing is a choice of activity. Vegetarian isn't a gender choice either. But you can be one and transgender.

Sometimes demon, you make a slight bit of sense. I saw a post from you recently and it was actually coherent.
But most of the time you sound like you essentially just lack fibre in a big way.


lack fibre? when ur the one whos dense. when did i say crossdressers are a gender? yet i keep having to repeat the same thing over and over to you after you litterally keep putting words in my mouth after i just told u not to. you are litterally hurting my neurons.
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