Dazed and confused

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Dazed and confused

Postby Roni57 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:31 am

Hi all! I'm 57, married, and have struggled with gender identity my whole life, as most everyone here I suspose. When I was very young my much older sister used me like a baby doll dressing me in her old clothes. One of my earliest memories was standing beside my sister in the diveway waving to Grandfather as he drove away. I was wearing a little dress that just reached past my knees and my sister had curled my shoulder length hair. Not long after that my father made her stop, but as you know I did not stop.

Overall, I did a pretty good job of hiding my love of feminine clothing. My sister and I shared a bedroom so it was easy to wear her things when she was gone. I've never opened up to her, so I'm not sure if she was aware.she had this wonderfully soft ribbed short sleeve sweater that was very tight in the waist and loose up top that gave me a thrill somehow making my stick this chest look curvy. But, you know the rest of the story. Sneaking around buying clothes then getting disgusted and throwing them out over and over.

I actually went quite a few year without any. Then out of the blue, about two years ago while looking for something online there was a link to a woman's clothing site and the model was wearing the cutest little skater dress so I followed the link...or rabbit hole, right. So about six months later my wife found my stash.

She wasn't happy at all! There was lots of shouting and crying (a good bit of that mine) while I tried to talk with her. She has zero tolerance it turns out and she was dead St on leaving me then and there. Again, I bet others here have pleaded, begging and lying that it would stop and never happen again. Over the next few weeks and months our life returned to normal. Then, walking thru Walmart on the end of an aisle was a burgundy knit short sleeve cowl neck sweater dress that reminded me of my sisters sweater. I couldn't help myself as I stopped and felt the fabric. It's just one dress right! And, it's on sale, practically nothing. Quickly putting the size large in my buggy my next thought was I would need some panties. Anyway, I again have a nice large stash, better hidden this time but there seems to be more.

With no kids in the house and my wife working many evenings too much time to explore the Internet, I came across threads about male breast enlargement and began using a breast pump for about an hour almost every day. My chest was absolutely flat when I started. Wherever I measured was 36". Now I have small feminine breasts. My nipples went from one being inverted and the other one tiny to both being much larger and pointy. Now, I'm a 35" band ( my last have shrunk as I'm not working out as much) and 37" at the largest. Yes, my wife has noticed. I blamed it on my blood pressure medicine and the saw palmetto I'm taking (for breast enlargement as much as prostate). She seemed satisfied with my answer and life moves on.

So here I am. A nice large stash again. Now I'm finding myself looking at wigs wondering how they would look with my face. Thank god I have huge feet and no stores around me come close to carrying my size.

Quite the mess, eh.

Roni
Roni57
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Re: Dazed and confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:10 am

Roni57 wrote:[ I ] don't seem to fit here either.


dreamin wrote:care to elaborate :?:


Yes, care to elaborate ???
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SpunGold

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: Dazed and confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:58 pm

Roni57 wrote:Most Everyone here seems more committed to a path while I still seem wandering. [I look upon myself as] Gender fluid or dysph[or]ic, maybe, but given different circumstances I feel I would have transitioned. The moments when I am able to express my inner woman are so few and far between; yet I yearn for the future one, while hastily enjoying the present one.


dreamin wrote:Nope! wrongWrongWRONGWRONG I tell you.. plenty of ppl questioning, not committed to a path or sure of their path, all sorts of f*cked up & confused.


Who is to say who is committed, or not ? Who is to say who is wandering, or not ? Who is to judge one another ? You, Roni, of all people ?
There is no individual " Right " or " Wrong " way to transition. Comparing yourself and your transition prospects to another T-girl, is a real fail ! So don't do it ! Many peeps who transition have to do it on a trial and error basis, many peeps transition relative quickly, many take decades to do so.
You need to transition at your own speed and with your own direction and goals, and not worry about what others are doing, let alone comparing yourself to them. You can be your own worst enemy, or you can be your own savior. There can be much help and encouragement here on these boards, but in the end, you have to do what is in your own best interest, and be yourself regardless of what others think, say or do.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SpunGold

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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CuteButLooksPregnant
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Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:23 pm
Location: Cedar Point, Ohio, USA

Re: Dazed and confused

Postby Roni57 » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:20 pm

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:
Roni57 wrote:Most Everyone here seems more committed to a path while I still seem wandering. [I look upon myself as] Gender fluid or dysph[or]ic, maybe, but given different circumstances I feel I would have transitioned. The moments when I am able to express my inner woman are so few and far between; yet I yearn for the future one, while hastily enjoying the present one.


dreamin wrote:Nope! wrongWrongWRONGWRONG I tell you.. plenty of ppl questioning, not committed to a path or sure of their path, all sorts of f*cked up & confused.


Who is to say who is committed, or not ? Who is to say who is wandering, or not ? Who is to judge one another ? You, Roni, of all people ?
There is no individual " Right " or " Wrong " way to transition. Comparing yourself and your transition prospects to another T-girl, is a real fail ! So don't do it ! Many peeps who transition have to do it on a trial and error basis, many peeps transition relative quickly, many take decades to do so.
You need to transition at your own speed and with your own direction and goals, and not worry about what others are doing, let alone comparing yourself to them. You can be your own worst enemy, or you can be your own savior. There can be much help and encouragement here on these boards, but in the end, you have to do what is in your own best interest, and be yourself regardless of what others think, say or do.


Thanks, I came here in a funk and that's never a good way to start a relationship. Yes relationship, that's what I hope to build here. I'm looking forward to having people to talk to that have stood where I stand.
Roni57
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Re: Dazed and confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Dec 07, 2017 7:49 pm

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote: You can be your own worst enemy, or you can be your own savior. There can be much help and encouragement here on these boards, but in the end, you have to do what is in your own best interest, and be yourself regardless of what others think, say or do.


Thanks, I came here in a funk and that's never a good way to start a relationship. Yes, relationship, that's what I hope to build here. I'm looking forward to having people to talk to that have stood where I stand.


A few T-girls here are already reaching out to you, including myself. The posts and comments can help you get a better perspective on your correct gender identity, and the best way for you, individually, to transition, if that is part of your gender goals. Please consider reviewing your personal and marrital situations and concerns with a Licensed Gender Therapist, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has extensive experience with gender issues. A more remote possibility would be if the two of you could take part in managed couples therapy.
( BTW---I love skater dresses, and occasionally wear them myself, usually with tights or leggings ! )
I wish you well, from Ponytails, A Twin Tail Advocate
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SpunGold

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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CuteButLooksPregnant
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Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:23 pm
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Re: Dazed and confused

Postby Roni57 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:25 pm

Thanks Ponytail, I'm feeling more and more at home. Im reading threads and posts that feel as if I wrote them. My wife isn't interested in counseling, she wants things (and me) to stay the same. For now I try to be what she wants because I love her and it's my fault I didn't tell her what I felt inside before I married her.
Roni57
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Joined: Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:48 am
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