Really confused. Could use some insight.

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Really confused. Could use some insight.

Postby redcarnation701 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:40 pm

I'm completely new to this and not even sure where to start off. I am 24 years old and was born male, but recently I've been feeling extremely uncomfortable with my body and don't feel like aligned with gender I was assigned. This has been going on since March. The thing that is making me so confused is that my dysphoria comes it waves for weeks at a time. Some days I'll find myself comfortable being male, or at least able to bear it, in a social setting. However, when I feel like a girl it hits really hard to point where I become disgusted with my body.

I've had this go on and off in my life every since childhood. I remember when I was really young I enjoyed playing with girl toys and games equally as much as boys toys and games (like house, barbie, pretend weddings etc.). As I got older I began playing with more boy toys because thats what was put on me, and I didn't really mind it, but I remember forcing myself to stop playing with girl toys because that just wasn't what I was supposed to do. Even though I didn't understand it fully, I just knew there was something 'bad' about playing with girls toys.

I remember several times in my childhood praying to God to turn me into a girl. Though I managed to fit in well enough with my male peers I was regularly bullied because I was more interested in topics like romance and female singers. I enjoyed watching girls braid each others hair and wished that I could join in. I was always more sensitive compared to other boys. Eventually I got accused of being gay, and the bullying was so bad I had to change schools.

I also had mannerism that I guess were female and was constantly told by my parents to stop them (sitting with my legs crossed, twirling my hair etc.) because "I didn't want people to think I was a girl." I remember thinking I didn't care if people thought I was a girl. I tried stopping but my body just doesn't go that way and sitting 'like a male' was really uncomfortable. Today I am more open with this mannerisms.

When I was 12 I finally managed to get my hands on some girls clothes and makeup. I started cross dressing in private at every chance I could, I remember feeling comfortable. This went for about a year until my parents started to catch on and I threw my other wardrobe out before it could be discovered.

Now this the part that is confusing me. From the ages of 13 to 24 I had little to no problem with male gender identity. There were a couple of small things, like I enjoyed styling my hair and brushing it in a feminine manner when I was able to straighten it and grow it out. I did feel out of place with my gender in the since that the macho male mentality and resented people like that for the longest time, but I was never wanted to be another gender.

I don't what it is I don't know why but last winter I began feeling a lot of depression and was uncomfortable constantly. I couldn't pinpoint it until I was in the bathroom crying at work. The realization came out of nowhere, but when I thought to myself "I am a girl" it just seemed to click. So basically ever since thing I've having these feeling on and off and they keep getting stronger to the point I've been privately identify as female,and given myself a female name.

I'm rambling now, so I guess I'll cut to the chase: I'm trying to figure out if I'm transgender or not and have no one I can open up to. I'm starting to lean in the that direction, but because it is on and off I'm trying to figure if I might just be non-binary. Though I think I would be more comfortable as a women if I had the option, but that just because I'm feeling the dysphoria now, so whats going to happen 2 weeks from now? I'm confused as hell and never really had any LGBTQ friends that I can talk to about this stuff. I just would like to know if there are trans people on here that might have similar stories or experienced this and could help make sense of it all. I just don't understand why this is on and off. It's not like "oh today I'm going to be this gender" its like this pendulum swinging where I'm one or the other. I could really use some insight on this,
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Re: Really confused. Could use some insight.

Postby MikiSJ » Fri Aug 11, 2017 9:29 pm

First of all - welcome to the board.
redcarnation701 wrote:Now this the part that is confusing me. From the ages of 13 to 24 I had little to no problem with male gender identity.

There is no requirement to live your life in a linear fashion without changing who you are or want to be as often as you like. You may confuse your family, friends and co-workers - but that is their problem, isn't it.

At 70, I still want to build a sailboat.

redcarnation701 wrote:I don't what it is I don't know why but last winter I began feeling a lot of depression and was uncomfortable constantly. I couldn't pinpoint it until I was in the bathroom crying at work. The realization came out of nowhere, but when I thought to myself "I am a girl" it just seemed to click. So basically ever since thing I've having these feeling on and off and they keep getting stronger to the point I've been privately identify as female,and given myself a female name.

I'm rambling now, so I guess I'll cut to the chase: I'm trying to figure out if I'm transgender or not and have no one I can open up to. I'm starting to lean in the that direction, but because it is on and off I'm trying to figure if I might just be non-binary. Though I think I would be more comfortable as a women if I had the option, but that just because I'm feeling the dysphoria now, so whats going to happen 2 weeks from now? I'm confused as hell and never really had any LGBTQ friends that I can talk to about this stuff. I just would like to know if there are trans people on here that might have similar stories or experienced this and could help make sense of it all. I just don't understand why this is on and off. It's not like "oh today I'm going to be this gender" its like this pendulum swinging where I'm one or the other. I could really use some insight on this,

Your story is similar to other members here and is as different as you are. We can offer advice, conversation, friendship and more - but for now, I would suggest you trying to find a counselor with gender dysphoria experience.

But for now, stick around, ask questions, participate, make friends and be a good member.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: Really confused. Could use some insight.

Postby MyNicky » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:38 am

This is a great place where you can express yourself in whichever way makes you comfortable. My advice is the same given to me - take baby steps toward figuring out who you are. There are no gender light switches, no magic formula to make everything OK overnight, but if you make small changes in your everyday life, be it wardrobe, behaviour, accessories or whatever, it may just help you towards finding some level of inner peace.
Don't be afraid to reach out, especially not here. This little forum is a place where I can assure you that you can just be You.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
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Re: Really confused. Could use some insight.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:29 pm

Hi! Welcome to the boards, the other girls have started you off well, so I will just say hello and look forward to read your posts. Ask away, lots of experience and friendliness here! Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: Really confused. Could use some insight.

Postby MorganWoolf » Fri Aug 18, 2017 1:23 pm

Welcome!
Your story does sound quite familiar. I've hear several elements of it in other people's stories. So, first thing I think you should know is that you aren't alone. :)
I agree with Miki, you should find a good Gender Therapist. I hope things look up for you. Feel free to read, post, etc.!
Do not place me by a star where only it's light can encompass me, instead place me in the darkness. There I can behold the lights of all the stars in the universe.
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