I need support

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I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Apr 25, 2017 7:50 am

Hello everyone, and how are we all?
My name is Nicky (more or less anyway) and I find that I'm in a predicament. I have recently come to terms within myself about my gender identity, and it has taken a huge catalyst to be able to admit this to myself. I'm having trouble coming out to my partner, I just don't have the confidence to push the point. I actually tried ( literally ) coming out and asking "How would you feel if I identified as female?" To which she replied "Well that would be a deal-breaker." I don't think I'm being taken seriously and after that initial shutdown, I'm having trouble broaching the topic again...
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Re: I need support

Postby MikiSJ » Tue Apr 25, 2017 5:05 pm

first of all, welcome to the board.
MyNicky wrote:"How would you feel if I identified as female?" To which she replied "Well that would be a deal-breaker."

Too choice. Whatever you do, DO NOT NEGOTIATE AWAY WHO YOU ARE. I speak from firsthand experience - do not hide her from your truth even if it means it is a 'deal-breaker'.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:37 pm

Thank you for the welcome.
This is despite my growing hair (just hit shoulder-length, super exciting) and the fact that I insist that yes, my legs, armpits and surrounds are going to remain clean-shaven for the foreseeable future. I really want to embrace my newfound sense of self, but I am so afraid that the backside is going to fall out of the world. We (I would hope) are in a committed relationship, we have a baby together and I am afraid of losing everything so I can finally just be me.
I am in counselling, but I'm still just trying to build a rapport, hoping I become comfortable enough to discuss things there. In the mean time, I'm reaching out to you all, in the hopes of advice, support, and hopefully, a well of courage.
I don't want to lie to myself any more, I'm just so terrified of the potential fallout.
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Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:30 am

MyNicky wrote: We (I would hope) are in a committed relationship, we have a baby together and I am afraid of losing everything so I can finally just be me.
. . . . I'm still just trying to build a rapport, hoping I become comfortable enough to discuss things there. In the mean time, I'm reaching out to you all, in the hopes of advice, support, and hopefully, a well of courage.


You are always welcome here, to be among your friends, and to talk about and discuss whatever is on your mind, heart, and soul. But remember, you, and only you, can decide who you are, and what kind of transition, if any, that you need to do to be your authentic self, regardless of the astronomical cost that may be asked of you just to be yourself and true to yourself. I wish you well, from Ponytails.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Apr 28, 2017 4:57 am

Thank you, I really appreciate that.
Well I feel like I made a little progress today.
I was wearing my hair up today, with a few clips in to manage my fringe and my partner told me she likes "how comfortable I am in my own skin, to wear my hair like that and not care how feminine it is..."
Well, I'm still scanning for sarcasm, but she didn't bat an eyelid when I said how I would feel weirder acting 'more masculine'.
Well, it's not much, but it's another step in the right direction for me.
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Re: I need support

Postby mitzidog » Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:32 am

I hope you make further progress.

I have very recently come out to my wife as transgender, and while she is supportive, she made it clear that she "married a man" and that medical intervention would give her a real problem. It's early days and baby steps seems like a good way to go for both of us.
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat Apr 29, 2017 1:12 am

Baby steps indeed. Personally for me, I'm not ready to push the issue, but I'm not backing down from the decisions I've made, either.
I'm taking the notion of 'not negotiating away' who I am really to heart.
I've been seriously considering booking an appointnent for facial laser hair removal, there is a place nearby that specializes in it and honestly the only thing holding me back is the cost of multiple sessions. I've always hated shaving anyway and I find myself almost resenting the look and feel of stubble, more and more lately.
I feel like there is so much out of reach for me right now, but I try to stay positive by setting achievable goals, like this.
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Re: I need support

Postby mitzidog » Sat Apr 29, 2017 4:05 am

I think I'm going to go for the facial hair removal as an early step too. I need to start saving up, but I also have a local place that has a whole section of its website for Transgender people. I will need to give it a few months, but they do a free consultation, so hopefully they can advise what is best.
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed May 03, 2017 6:09 pm

I'm trying to save every penny, I think once I have a little bit squirrelled away it'll be easier to sum up the courage.

I'm trying to build up my confidence to properly come out, but I don't want to make a big splash or anything. One of the things I've started doing this week is such a small inconsequential thing, is wearing clips in my hair at work. I'm really happy with how well my hair is growing out and I love how it looks when I straighten it, but at shoulder length, I need to tie it back for safety anyway. The clips are my way of taking baby steps in embracing myself.
Of course this gets smartass comments and sideways looks, but I feel confident enough in myself to own it. Baby steps. Just wait 'til I learn to run!
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Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed May 03, 2017 6:23 pm

MyNicky wrote:Of course this gets smartass comments and sideways looks, but I feel confident enough in myself to own it. Baby steps. Just wait 'til I learn to run!


Oh yea, as my hair grew out and I thinned out there has been no end to the attempts to "figure me out". At work I have announced that I am moving to the other side of the country soon. So they are trying to piece it all together. A few even know I am getting divorced. Some days I just want to come in wearing a "this is what transgender looks like" shirt and watch the bonfire with popcorn and potato chips. I will be happy to leave this machismo laden town.

As to laser hair removal.. sometimes it is cheaper to buy a package, so maybe call them get an idea on cost I would say plan on 8 sessions.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Thu May 04, 2017 4:33 am

8 sessions? That's the first time I've heard an actual number. On the website of my local place it just says "multiple sessions". Guess they don't want to sell themselves short haha.
I think that's probably a more realistic goal, in my mind's eye I was looking at two or three, but then I haven't actually enquired about it yet, I'm just going by what I've read online and considering their prices. Individual sessions aren't that expensive but I know I can expect things to add up in the long run.
Also saving up before I dive right in has given me plenty of opportunity to think about it and the thing is, the more I do think about it, the stronger my resolve becomes.
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Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu May 04, 2017 11:11 pm

The deal is basically that laser and electrolysis are most effective when the hair is actively growing as it makes it easier to kill the stem cells that make the root of the hair follicle. Which grow in a cycle. So the most common quote for girls is a minimum of 6 sessions but testosterone fueled follicles are tough nuts and the enriched blood flow around the face and mouth make things harder to kill and more painful. So for our facial hair 8 is a better number to shoot for. This does not mean you cannot do electrolysis as well. Though I might wait a bit to let laser do a bunch of the clear cutting. Again it all hinges on how you react.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon May 08, 2017 5:02 am

Well I guess time will tell. I'm aiming to have saved up enough by late July or August. Can you give me any rough idea on what kind of a schedule I might be looking at? Like how long I should expect to be booking sessions for? I often wonder what kind of results I can expect. I love the idea of seeing my own reflection and seeing a smooth face looking back at me. I've always had a fair and clear complexion except for this dirty smudge on my lip and chin.
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Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue May 09, 2017 6:19 pm

My technician, recommended for the first six times it was roughly once every four weeks to a month​. After that every five weeks. For as long as I want but he said eight is a good minimum. As to how long each session is it depends. My guy loves to talk and frequently it takes 40 minutes a session.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat May 13, 2017 2:51 am

Thanks for the info, it gives me a clearer picture of what I can expect. I always feel better going into a new situation armed with a little bit of knowledge.
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Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sat May 13, 2017 8:53 am

MyNicky wrote:
I'm trying to build up my confidence to properly come out, but I don't want to make a big splash or anything. One of the things I've started doing this week is such a small inconsequential thing, is wearing clips in my hair at work.
The clips are my way of taking baby steps in embracing myself.


I always suggest time and again to consider wearing a cute, pretty, ultra-feminine necklace, either under your shirt, or out front of your shirt, or on a bare chest with a V neck shirt. I have always worn, for the most part, a Hello Kitty pendant, or a My Little Pony emblem, usually of Fluttershy or Derpy Hooves, the Pegasus Ponies, or of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, of the Alicorn royalty.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:05 pm

"Be wise and accessorize!"
No idea where I got that from or who on earth I'm trying to quote there, but I love the idea of that. It falls into the category of doing things we can take control of. I'd love to feminize my wardrobe a little. I'm far from being able to rock a sun dress but I can still build up to it.
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Jun 09, 2017 4:28 am

So I have kinda exciting news... Today I was taken for a woman for the first time :D It was just from the back, but it's a win and I'll take it!
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Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Fri Jun 09, 2017 2:38 pm

MyNicky wrote:So I have kinda exciting news... Today I was taken for a woman for the first time :D It was just from the back, but it's a win and I'll take it!


A Home Run in the bottom of the first ! Keep going, you are on the right track. But do give attention to the growing dilemma that may be surrounding your partner. It isn't 'me No. 1', but it is the both of you.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: I need support

Postby mcel93 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:58 am

Hi Nicky,

i can't imagine how difficult some of the relationship stuff must be as you work your way through discovering your identity. I have always shied away from relationships because I have been to scared to try to explain my gender and sexuality to a prospective partner.

i really just wanted to say that i think what you are doing is amazing- it may be in small steps but you are incredibly brave to be opening yourself up to being your true self.
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:11 am

Well the relationship stuff is tough and even though I may not be completely open yet, it's with my partner that I feel mostly myself.
We actually talk quite a bit about gender stereotypes and how they really don't exist in our house. I'm not at that point where I can openly present the way I hope to one day, but at least in my own home I can act like myself, and my partner seems to embrace it. She even braided my hair for me the other night. We have a strong and unique bond and I can only hope it holds us together into the future.Image
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:16 pm

Sometimes I fear I will be trapped in this limbo for ever. I have just suffered a huge blow to my confidence at a time I was starting to feel pretty damn good about myself yet now I'm just as afraid of opening up as ever.
Pretty much what has happened was I was "busted" wearing a bra. I'd picked one out for myself and really surprised myself at how comfortable I was wearing it. Now we're not talking about some ridiculously large out proportion article with stuffing down my top, this was actually a well fitting subtle affair which was barely even noticeable. I had been wearing it daily, all day and everywhere I went, even at work, without comment or drama.
But then just the other day, sitting at home, my partner groped at my chest, felt the material and completely flipped out. For someone who claims to be "supportive" of all walks of life, when confronted with it this close to home, her reaction was, above all else, disappointing. The words "eeuurgghh...never again!" really make me feel terrible about myself and now I'm afraid of wearing my bra ever again. I'm feeling trapped and alone. I thought I was really getting ready to just be me, but now.....
"Don't negotiate away who you are."
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Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sat Jun 24, 2017 10:02 pm

Sorry, I wish I had some magic salve your pain for you but really there is none. This is not you or how you look. Do not absorb that into your psyche. But how your partner feels about you. It could be something you might be able to slowly work on. It could have been the surprise. I do not know and neither will you until you speak with them. If you want to keep this going you may need to get clever in how you to make this work for each other. My wife was completely turned off by even my emotional changes so you made it farther than me.

My point is try to understand there may be issues they have which can be worked through if both of you are willing. So please try to not assume the worst just yet. (unless you already have and it is, then of course.. I am sorry...)
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:20 am

It could have gone much worse than it did. I'm afraid I turned it into a huge joke and went and put on one of her undergarments and stuffed my chest with socks and paraded around in front of her while her friend was here. Trying to make light of things.
Well it seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension, at least until faced with the same drama again.
Maybe I'm trying to run before I walk.
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Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:09 am

Perhaps, though you are running a fine line there. This is just me as I have very mixed feelings about dressing which need not be repeated. I think doing camp can be fun but you seem dangerously close to the happy clown who can make everyone laugh while they are crying on the inside. That said it could be fun if everyone got involved in some of the fun and just drank and laughed but at the same time I am reluctant as I don't want it to be you expressing your own identity while everyone has a laugh.

As to moving too fast.. you do you.. so long as you are being safe, loving, and enjoying yourself.. because really this is about exploring and embracing all of you so that you can give all of your heart to those around you.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:54 am

You're right, I do use humour as a defence mechanism and it really is such a fine line.
I'd like to be taken seriously and the way I acted certainly wasn't the way to to go about it.
I panicked. I just lack the confidence to own it.
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