I need support

Create your own personal introduction thread

I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Apr 25, 2017 7:50 am

Hello everyone, and how are we all?
My name is Nicky (more or less anyway) and I find that I'm in a predicament. I have recently come to terms within myself about my gender identity, and it has taken a huge catalyst to be able to admit this to myself. I'm having trouble coming out to my partner, I just don't have the confidence to push the point. I actually tried ( literally ) coming out and asking "How would you feel if I identified as female?" To which she replied "Well that would be a deal-breaker." I don't think I'm being taken seriously and after that initial shutdown, I'm having trouble broaching the topic again...
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MikiSJ » Tue Apr 25, 2017 5:05 pm

first of all, welcome to the board.
MyNicky wrote:"How would you feel if I identified as female?" To which she replied "Well that would be a deal-breaker."

Too choice. Whatever you do, DO NOT NEGOTIATE AWAY WHO YOU ARE. I speak from firsthand experience - do not hide her from your truth even if it means it is a 'deal-breaker'.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
User avatar
MikiSJ
Member
 
Posts: 4402
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:21 am
Location: San Jose, CA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:37 pm

Thank you for the welcome.
This is despite my growing hair (just hit shoulder-length, super exciting) and the fact that I insist that yes, my legs, armpits and surrounds are going to remain clean-shaven for the foreseeable future. I really want to embrace my newfound sense of self, but I am so afraid that the backside is going to fall out of the world. We (I would hope) are in a committed relationship, we have a baby together and I am afraid of losing everything so I can finally just be me.
I am in counselling, but I'm still just trying to build a rapport, hoping I become comfortable enough to discuss things there. In the mean time, I'm reaching out to you all, in the hopes of advice, support, and hopefully, a well of courage.
I don't want to lie to myself any more, I'm just so terrified of the potential fallout.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:30 am

MyNicky wrote: We (I would hope) are in a committed relationship, we have a baby together and I am afraid of losing everything so I can finally just be me.
. . . . I'm still just trying to build a rapport, hoping I become comfortable enough to discuss things there. In the mean time, I'm reaching out to you all, in the hopes of advice, support, and hopefully, a well of courage.


You are always welcome here, to be among your friends, and to talk about and discuss whatever is on your mind, heart, and soul. But remember, you, and only you, can decide who you are, and what kind of transition, if any, that you need to do to be your authentic self, regardless of the astronomical cost that may be asked of you just to be yourself and true to yourself. I wish you well, from Ponytails.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
User avatar
CuteButLooksPregnant
Member
 
Posts: 3060
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:23 pm
Location: Cedar Point, Ohio, USA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Apr 28, 2017 4:57 am

Thank you, I really appreciate that.
Well I feel like I made a little progress today.
I was wearing my hair up today, with a few clips in to manage my fringe and my partner told me she likes "how comfortable I am in my own skin, to wear my hair like that and not care how feminine it is..."
Well, I'm still scanning for sarcasm, but she didn't bat an eyelid when I said how I would feel weirder acting 'more masculine'.
Well, it's not much, but it's another step in the right direction for me.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby mitzidog » Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:32 am

I hope you make further progress.

I have very recently come out to my wife as transgender, and while she is supportive, she made it clear that she "married a man" and that medical intervention would give her a real problem. It's early days and baby steps seems like a good way to go for both of us.
User avatar
mitzidog
Member
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 4:50 am

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat Apr 29, 2017 1:12 am

Baby steps indeed. Personally for me, I'm not ready to push the issue, but I'm not backing down from the decisions I've made, either.
I'm taking the notion of 'not negotiating away' who I am really to heart.
I've been seriously considering booking an appointnent for facial laser hair removal, there is a place nearby that specializes in it and honestly the only thing holding me back is the cost of multiple sessions. I've always hated shaving anyway and I find myself almost resenting the look and feel of stubble, more and more lately.
I feel like there is so much out of reach for me right now, but I try to stay positive by setting achievable goals, like this.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby mitzidog » Sat Apr 29, 2017 4:05 am

I think I'm going to go for the facial hair removal as an early step too. I need to start saving up, but I also have a local place that has a whole section of its website for Transgender people. I will need to give it a few months, but they do a free consultation, so hopefully they can advise what is best.
User avatar
mitzidog
Member
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 4:50 am

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed May 03, 2017 6:09 pm

I'm trying to save every penny, I think once I have a little bit squirrelled away it'll be easier to sum up the courage.

I'm trying to build up my confidence to properly come out, but I don't want to make a big splash or anything. One of the things I've started doing this week is such a small inconsequential thing, is wearing clips in my hair at work. I'm really happy with how well my hair is growing out and I love how it looks when I straighten it, but at shoulder length, I need to tie it back for safety anyway. The clips are my way of taking baby steps in embracing myself.
Of course this gets smartass comments and sideways looks, but I feel confident enough in myself to own it. Baby steps. Just wait 'til I learn to run!
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed May 03, 2017 6:23 pm

MyNicky wrote:Of course this gets smartass comments and sideways looks, but I feel confident enough in myself to own it. Baby steps. Just wait 'til I learn to run!


Oh yea, as my hair grew out and I thinned out there has been no end to the attempts to "figure me out". At work I have announced that I am moving to the other side of the country soon. So they are trying to piece it all together. A few even know I am getting divorced. Some days I just want to come in wearing a "this is what transgender looks like" shirt and watch the bonfire with popcorn and potato chips. I will be happy to leave this machismo laden town.

As to laser hair removal.. sometimes it is cheaper to buy a package, so maybe call them get an idea on cost I would say plan on 8 sessions.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Thu May 04, 2017 4:33 am

8 sessions? That's the first time I've heard an actual number. On the website of my local place it just says "multiple sessions". Guess they don't want to sell themselves short haha.
I think that's probably a more realistic goal, in my mind's eye I was looking at two or three, but then I haven't actually enquired about it yet, I'm just going by what I've read online and considering their prices. Individual sessions aren't that expensive but I know I can expect things to add up in the long run.
Also saving up before I dive right in has given me plenty of opportunity to think about it and the thing is, the more I do think about it, the stronger my resolve becomes.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu May 04, 2017 11:11 pm

The deal is basically that laser and electrolysis are most effective when the hair is actively growing as it makes it easier to kill the stem cells that make the root of the hair follicle. Which grow in a cycle. So the most common quote for girls is a minimum of 6 sessions but testosterone fueled follicles are tough nuts and the enriched blood flow around the face and mouth make things harder to kill and more painful. So for our facial hair 8 is a better number to shoot for. This does not mean you cannot do electrolysis as well. Though I might wait a bit to let laser do a bunch of the clear cutting. Again it all hinges on how you react.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon May 08, 2017 5:02 am

Well I guess time will tell. I'm aiming to have saved up enough by late July or August. Can you give me any rough idea on what kind of a schedule I might be looking at? Like how long I should expect to be booking sessions for? I often wonder what kind of results I can expect. I love the idea of seeing my own reflection and seeing a smooth face looking back at me. I've always had a fair and clear complexion except for this dirty smudge on my lip and chin.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue May 09, 2017 6:19 pm

My technician, recommended for the first six times it was roughly once every four weeks to a month​. After that every five weeks. For as long as I want but he said eight is a good minimum. As to how long each session is it depends. My guy loves to talk and frequently it takes 40 minutes a session.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat May 13, 2017 2:51 am

Thanks for the info, it gives me a clearer picture of what I can expect. I always feel better going into a new situation armed with a little bit of knowledge.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sat May 13, 2017 8:53 am

MyNicky wrote:
I'm trying to build up my confidence to properly come out, but I don't want to make a big splash or anything. One of the things I've started doing this week is such a small inconsequential thing, is wearing clips in my hair at work.
The clips are my way of taking baby steps in embracing myself.


I always suggest time and again to consider wearing a cute, pretty, ultra-feminine necklace, either under your shirt, or out front of your shirt, or on a bare chest with a V neck shirt. I have always worn, for the most part, a Hello Kitty pendant, or a My Little Pony emblem, usually of Fluttershy or Derpy Hooves, the Pegasus Ponies, or of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, of the Alicorn royalty.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
User avatar
CuteButLooksPregnant
Member
 
Posts: 3060
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:23 pm
Location: Cedar Point, Ohio, USA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:05 pm

"Be wise and accessorize!"
No idea where I got that from or who on earth I'm trying to quote there, but I love the idea of that. It falls into the category of doing things we can take control of. I'd love to feminize my wardrobe a little. I'm far from being able to rock a sun dress but I can still build up to it.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Jun 09, 2017 4:28 am

So I have kinda exciting news... Today I was taken for a woman for the first time :D It was just from the back, but it's a win and I'll take it!
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Fri Jun 09, 2017 2:38 pm

MyNicky wrote:So I have kinda exciting news... Today I was taken for a woman for the first time :D It was just from the back, but it's a win and I'll take it!


A Home Run in the bottom of the first ! Keep going, you are on the right track. But do give attention to the growing dilemma that may be surrounding your partner. It isn't 'me No. 1', but it is the both of you.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
User avatar
CuteButLooksPregnant
Member
 
Posts: 3060
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:23 pm
Location: Cedar Point, Ohio, USA

Re: I need support

Postby mcel93 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:58 am

Hi Nicky,

i can't imagine how difficult some of the relationship stuff must be as you work your way through discovering your identity. I have always shied away from relationships because I have been to scared to try to explain my gender and sexuality to a prospective partner.

i really just wanted to say that i think what you are doing is amazing- it may be in small steps but you are incredibly brave to be opening yourself up to being your true self.
mcel93
New
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 6:04 am
Location: Australia

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:11 am

Well the relationship stuff is tough and even though I may not be completely open yet, it's with my partner that I feel mostly myself.
We actually talk quite a bit about gender stereotypes and how they really don't exist in our house. I'm not at that point where I can openly present the way I hope to one day, but at least in my own home I can act like myself, and my partner seems to embrace it. She even braided my hair for me the other night. We have a strong and unique bond and I can only hope it holds us together into the future.Image
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:16 pm

Sometimes I fear I will be trapped in this limbo for ever. I have just suffered a huge blow to my confidence at a time I was starting to feel pretty damn good about myself yet now I'm just as afraid of opening up as ever.
Pretty much what has happened was I was "busted" wearing a bra. I'd picked one out for myself and really surprised myself at how comfortable I was wearing it. Now we're not talking about some ridiculously large out proportion article with stuffing down my top, this was actually a well fitting subtle affair which was barely even noticeable. I had been wearing it daily, all day and everywhere I went, even at work, without comment or drama.
But then just the other day, sitting at home, my partner groped at my chest, felt the material and completely flipped out. For someone who claims to be "supportive" of all walks of life, when confronted with it this close to home, her reaction was, above all else, disappointing. The words "eeuurgghh...never again!" really make me feel terrible about myself and now I'm afraid of wearing my bra ever again. I'm feeling trapped and alone. I thought I was really getting ready to just be me, but now.....
"Don't negotiate away who you are."
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sat Jun 24, 2017 10:02 pm

Sorry, I wish I had some magic salve your pain for you but really there is none. This is not you or how you look. Do not absorb that into your psyche. But how your partner feels about you. It could be something you might be able to slowly work on. It could have been the surprise. I do not know and neither will you until you speak with them. If you want to keep this going you may need to get clever in how you to make this work for each other. My wife was completely turned off by even my emotional changes so you made it farther than me.

My point is try to understand there may be issues they have which can be worked through if both of you are willing. So please try to not assume the worst just yet. (unless you already have and it is, then of course.. I am sorry...)
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:20 am

It could have gone much worse than it did. I'm afraid I turned it into a huge joke and went and put on one of her undergarments and stuffed my chest with socks and paraded around in front of her while her friend was here. Trying to make light of things.
Well it seems to have alleviated a lot of the tension, at least until faced with the same drama again.
Maybe I'm trying to run before I walk.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:09 am

Perhaps, though you are running a fine line there. This is just me as I have very mixed feelings about dressing which need not be repeated. I think doing camp can be fun but you seem dangerously close to the happy clown who can make everyone laugh while they are crying on the inside. That said it could be fun if everyone got involved in some of the fun and just drank and laughed but at the same time I am reluctant as I don't want it to be you expressing your own identity while everyone has a laugh.

As to moving too fast.. you do you.. so long as you are being safe, loving, and enjoying yourself.. because really this is about exploring and embracing all of you so that you can give all of your heart to those around you.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:54 am

You're right, I do use humour as a defence mechanism and it really is such a fine line.
I'd like to be taken seriously and the way I acted certainly wasn't the way to to go about it.
I panicked. I just lack the confidence to own it.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:58 pm

I get it oh how I get why too. I have spent a year worried about antagonizing someone who dumped me. Our homes and loved ones should be safe places.. people who understand if not support.

So yeah I worry about what is going on there and what it means for you. You are going through those challenging phases and I hope you can find a way to turn this around.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Dean » Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:40 pm

MyNicky,

This summer, Spousal Unit (SU) and I will have been married 22 years, together for 25. I cut the long hair a year and a half ago. A few months after that I used the word Transgender for the first time. I chose a new "nickname" last summer. In September we had a particularly difficult talk, with me asking what the HELL SU thought I meant by the word transgender, because that means changes! And as much as I have received nothing but love and support, it has been confusing for both of us, breaking new ground. It's shaky and hard. We tried joking and when I swung it back to serious, it got hard again. This was, and is, our process. We're keeping lines of communication open, including angers and fears and shifting, and laughter.

But we've been working on this relationship a long time, and have been through a LOT in our time. I believe we will remain strong through this journey as well, but that doesn't mean it's easy. There's a push and pull, emotions run hot and cool off, and some forward movement is easier than others. But it is serious, and very, very real. I helped SU get on board when needed, and I have received strength when I needed it.

I don't know if that's helpful or not, but thought I'd chime in. Can't help you with the other stuff, though. ;)

Dean
User avatar
Dean
New
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:38 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:35 am

Thanks Dean. 22 Years a long time and I do hope to reach such a milestone myself one day. My relationship is still 3 years young and has already faced some pretty serious challenges without throwing gender identity into the mix. But I believe we have a strong foundation to see us into the future. I can only hope something bends before it breaks, but I am patient and time is on my side. Often I need to remind myself that there's no need to rush and the only deadlines I'm facing are those I set myself.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Dean » Tue Jun 27, 2017 2:09 pm

Patience is key, and it can be HARD to slow down, or speed up, when we're not ready. SU and I have promised each other to do our best to stay on the same page as often as possible. (This goes for parenting, too! Talk about a test of patience. LOL!) Promising your best is all you can do, right?

3 years is an accomplishment, especially if you're already practiced at working through tough times. :thumb:

All the best,
Dean
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." -- Mark Twain
User avatar
Dean
New
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:38 pm

Re: I need support

Postby VirginiaHall » Sat Jul 01, 2017 3:09 pm

I am new on this board. I read through the thread.

I am MTF and completed transition in my 20s, the whole smash.

I will suggest a video by a therapist who is cis but who "gets it." I am not affiliated with her in any way except we did a face time chat where I said I really liked what she had to say. She is very nice. Mainly she is bright.

I attach one of her video series,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dabAIDOQgw

She talks sense.

She has a whole series that is free.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw

I will write more but when I saw "I need support" it's like someone shooting up a flare. Some advices came from the oddest places--the right word at the right moment like a college friend who simply aid, "In this life your primary contract is to yourself." I will never forget those words.

If my husband decided to transition I might wonder if i got clocked before we got together and that's why the chemistry, but I would be there for him and we'd just be a couple of lesbians. I would not tell him to fake it.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part,
not until it is a "deal breaker," especially since now there is marriage equality.

I know it stings and hurts. Believe me, I know! But if she cannot love you for you, why are you in this relationship.

True story--I know the people.

A happily married couple were together for years. The wife knew about the husband's crossdressing.--ok, we got that part out of the way--but she did not mind.She was a beautiful woman. She was a painter and could paint in the style of Rembrandt.

She got breast cancer and had to have surgery on her breast(s) and had much removed. Her mate stood by her.

Some time later, her mate said, "I need to transition. I need to have facial recontouring and gender confirmation surgery." The mate was very scared to tell the wife this.

The wife said, in an inspired quote: When I had to have a sex-related body part removed to save my life you stood by me. I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world if i now stood in your way when you have to have sex-related body part(s) changed to save your life. I love you.


What a couple!!!
VirginiaHall
Member
 
Posts: 97
Joined: Thu Jun 29, 2017 4:26 am

Re: I need support

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Jul 01, 2017 7:27 pm

VirginiaHall wrote:...When I had to have a sex-related body part removed to save my life you stood by me. I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world if i now stood in your way when you have to have sex-related body part(s) changed to save your life.

Seldom is a quid pro quo equal. It is usually 'it's not the same'.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
User avatar
MikiSJ
Member
 
Posts: 4402
Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:21 am
Location: San Jose, CA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:37 am

It all comes back to everyone's own unique set of circumstances. Unfortunately it seems mostly the 'success stories' being pushed forward, appearing in papers and social media in the attempt to normalise the LGBTI+ community.
My reality is that the people around me spout positive affirmations about freedom and equality - until faced with it personally. Then it almost becomes hypocracy as I see the reactions.
Ultimately it comes down to a question of my confidence. At first I was embarrassed about using a hair straightener or wearing my hair up, or shaving my body hair continuously. But I kept at it until these things became common place and less remarkable.
I have had an exceptionally difficult past year and a half with a lot changing and happening parallel with what has led me to where I am now.
I am honestly conflicted between trying to be who I AM and trying to be who I'm expected to be.
I've been trying so hard to maintain a positive tone while posting here and I've taken a whole lot on board, but it is HARD.
I have made decisions within myself to embrace Me, to explore and learn and test my resolve.
I've been keeping an inconsistent journal to record my most personal thoughts and feelings but it has been this forum and everyone who has put in their own two cents that has made the biggest difference to me. Right now this is the only place I can speak my mind and I appreciate you all.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Dean » Fri Jul 07, 2017 5:43 pm

MyNicky wrote:...But I kept at it until these things became common place and less remarkable.


That's a perfect way of putting it. :) When I *stopped* shaving it was hard to get used to going against the "cultural norm" and now, a year later, I honestly feel that if anyone gets upset about it they just need to get over themselves. It became my norm, as did not wearing makeup and one by one, my older pieces fell away and made way for the new pieces to shine through.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time, but I am glad that you are building confidence little by little, to be who you are.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." -- Mark Twain
User avatar
Dean
New
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:38 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sat Jul 08, 2017 5:18 am

I may be trying to steer a roller coaster here, with things being so up and down lately, but I finally checked something off my mental to-do list and booked a consultation session at my local laser clinic. I've been wanting to do it for ages but putting it off because of nervousness. But on Friday I plucked up the courage and walked in and made the booking. It's for next week and just an information session really, but I am excited to be moving forward like this.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sun Jul 09, 2017 10:02 am

Congratulations, be sure to tell them everything you want done up front unless this is some Groupon. Laser takes time. (Budget for 8 sessions do the sooner you start the sooner you get done I know they say they can do it in 6 but that number is more for women and body hair not testosterone infused facial hair.) Don't forget any unibrow you may have. Also a suntan is not your friend while doing laser. (The darker the skin the less energy makes it to the hair follicle and the more it hurts.) Find a facial moisturizer with at least spf 30 if you go outside a bit and 15 if you are a indoors only person and just make a habit of it in your daily routine.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon Jul 10, 2017 12:41 am

Well it's winter here right now, so a sun tan is the least of my problems! :D I wouldn't mind having my eyebrows done, they're not super bushy or anything, just thicker than I would like. My appointment is tomorrow and I am so nervous and excited about it.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:42 am

Okay, I just wanted to make you aware of that wrinkle. I know my laser tech wanted me clean shaven everywhere I wanted zapped ahead of time as well.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
User avatar
Ashley@Heart
Member
 
Posts: 1153
Joined: Wed May 11, 2016 12:47 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed Jul 12, 2017 8:54 am

So today I was inappropriately groped by a 70 year old pervert at work. Thank goodness for CCTV cameras catching the whole thing. Still made me feel like shit though. Sorry for the language. At least I've got decent bosses who let me home early while they dealt with it.
The moral of my story, I guess, is don't take crap from anyone.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby CeliaEriksson » Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:55 am

Oh Nicky,

I don't think anyone would accept that. Hope they are not there when you go back in. Just try to tell yourself it's over and push it from your mind as much as possible as far as anger goes. Easier said than done, I know, for it's the anger and indelible memory parts that tend to stick around after some clown does that. Hope you are ok honey. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
User avatar
CeliaEriksson
Member
 
Posts: 302
Joined: Mon May 01, 2017 4:02 am

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Thu Jul 13, 2017 3:24 am

Thanks, Celia, I really appreciate the thoughts. Truth is, it had rocked me to my core. I barely slept last night and I've had no appetite at all today, so I'm all cranky and tired.
However, I do like to try and keep my head held high and my outlook optimistic, so on a positive note, I got an exciting package today, ordered not too long ago off the interwebs - discreet packaging my ass! "BREAST FORMS" printed in bold on the postage label. :roll: This is why I elect to pick up from the depot! :lol:
I got to wear then for a few hours this morning and you know what, they seem like a good fit. Nothing fancy with tapes and adhesives and all that nonsense, just silicone inserts and well fitting undergarments.
I honestly didn't want to change, but that's the price I have to pay for being shy.
After what happened I had mixed feelings about the forms, almost dreading their arrival, but that dissipated almost instantly upon opening the box.
So in a bold moment I threw caution to the wind and went shopping with the girls!
(The up-side if living in a town where almost no one knows you!)
The more I find the confidence to embrace my true self, the happier I am, until I'm hit with my contradictions at home.

Oohh, and that's the other thing! I booked my first session for hair removal next week! It's becoming a reality for me! It's going to be a bit more expensive than I would've liked, but it's the end of financial year, so Woot-Woot! Thank you, Tax Refund!
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Sun Jul 16, 2017 3:28 am

So she thinks I'm gay. So she says while ranting at me over a little top coat on my nails. WTF.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just freaking out because this could be a precursor to an inevitable conversation I've tried to have before but not sure I'm ready to have again just yet...
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MorganWoolf » Sun Jul 16, 2017 1:36 pm

Hey Nicky, first...congrats on your breastforms and going shopping!
Hold on to that victory. Don't let anything ruin it. It stands alone against all the other awfulness you may have to face.
Sorry your partner had a bad reaction. Over nail polish too huh? Geeze, good thing she doesn't know about your girl's day out right?

So, maybe I'm forgetting something...out shopping with the girls? You're out and presenting around other folks but not your partner? Does you're partner know you're transgender?
I'm trying to figure out what she knows and doesn't know. On the one hand she's braiding your hair...then flipping out over your bra...I'm lost as to what she knows and doesn't know.
So, other than calling you gay, what else did she think? If you don't mind me asking...you don't have to say if you don't want.
I feel like you're going to have to talk to her soon. Does she know about your hair removal appointment? Your breastforms?
I don't mean to make you nervous or sad, but...this is going to reach a point where if you don't say anything she'll find out on her own by accident, and that will be sooooo much worse.
It's scary, but I feel you're going to need to talk to her soon if you're going this far (which is fine! If you're loving being you, keep being you! Just don't leave her in the dark...she's your partner).
Blessing and courage to you sweetheart. <3
Do not place me by a star where only it's light can encompass me, instead place me in the darkness. There I can behold the lights of all the stars in the universe.
User avatar
MorganWoolf
Member
 
Posts: 457
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 9:12 am
Location: Colorado USA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:03 am

Well I'm hardly all-out, still wearing my usual wardrobe on the outside and aside from wearing my hair in clips, a little lip gloss is the only other external change I've made. I'm lucky to work in a place where anti-discrimination is all the rage so I could rock up in a sundress for all anyone could care, but I'm still very much taking baby steps with my appearance. As for my partner, I'm still very much under wraps. It hurts, but so far she doesn't know (as far as I can tell) about my accessories, and not about my appointment. I've tried to raise the topic about how I'd love to get rid of my face fuzz, even mentioned the local clinic, but the reaction is never good, so I back down.
I'm so gung-ho about the steps that I am taking because I'm at that point where it's harder not to take at least a little bit of action.
The catalyst which led me to this point, without getting into super personal detail, was getting kicked out for close to 6 weeks, the first week or so living out of my car, roadtripping to clear my head, the rest couch surfing until I could come home and a slathering of counselling ensued. For other issues, not even close to these.
But I did a lot of thinking during this time and one of the things I decided was to start living for myself a little. I'm gonna grow my hair, shave my legs, etc...
These things make me happy. Relationship wise, we're at a better place, but I fear the ass is going to fall out of the world before the year is through.
I've tried opening a dialogue, and failed, so basically I'm down to waiting for the point where I have to say "This is who I am. I'm not going to change. I've always been like this..."
You know, the speech you rehearse with yourself 1000 times until the time comes and the words don't.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MorganWoolf » Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:59 am

Yeah, I think I've mostly given up on rehearsing speeches in my head. Instead I mull over the concepts behind the speech. The topic the speech is about. That way, when it comes time to say something, I can say was is true, and it comes natural, instead of trying to remember everything I wanted to say. That way I say what's important.

I'm going to have to tell my dad one day. I haven't rehearsed a speech in my head. I know who I am, so that parts a breeze. I also know my dad has his own secrets...secrets he's imparted on me and I still love him. I happen to know about a fetish of his (he wouldn't say its a fetish, but I ran into his porn once...it is). And I happen to know that despite being a Mormon...he's made some pretty major mistakes in life that actually got him excommunicated. Not saying I would use it at blackmail, never that. But I can level the field with him.

I couldn't care less what my mom thinks. Hate me or love me, she's going to do what she's going to do. I'm her only child. The choice is simple. And she's done such a beautiful job cutting me off from my entire family, that if she cuts me off it wouldn't be a surprise. Sadly, perhaps it would even be a little welcome.

When you do tell her, try not make excuses for yourself. I saw this video on facebook, and it really struck me. It's a story about a gay man from back when he was a boy in school. His father is incredible, and the story revolves around hiding who you are. I think it resonates with all of us so, here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHjJUdN16k

Maybe it'll help give you courage for when the time comes? I know it's given me some courage. I hear his dad in my head whenever I find myself "sneaking". I know for us its different, and hard. We have to sneak for a while, but I think there's something more to this concept of "sneaking". It comes with a feeling, and that feeling is what he's talking about. It's the shame that will "ruin your immortal soul". But I would like to point out that the time this story is set, there was a lot more violence against homosexuals than today. Maybe that's why the story blows me away so much.

So, I thought I would share that. Maybe it will help you through all this somehow. :) I'm thinking of you and hoping all goes well.
Do not place me by a star where only it's light can encompass me, instead place me in the darkness. There I can behold the lights of all the stars in the universe.
User avatar
MorganWoolf
Member
 
Posts: 457
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 9:12 am
Location: Colorado USA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:43 am

So I just watched that video :) there are definitely layers upon layers of deep meaning in that little cartoon. What I like is his dad's outlook on life - you're gonna be who you're gonna be so don't try hide it.
Definitely easier said than done ESPECIALLY half a century ago. I think we do kinda have it easier than our trailblazers - social preconceptions are a lot more forgiving and our biggest hurdles seem to be closest to home.

So yeah, I'm sneaking, but I don't feel ashamed about it. I look at it as learning to fit into my own skin because for 3 decades I never have.
Speaking of which, I had my first laser appointment yesterday and I am really happy with how it went.

It was certainly a unique experience, even with my eyes covered, every flash of the machine I could still "see" as a flash of bright red behind my eyelids.
And it might sound unpleasant, but not as bad as you'd think, every flash is no worse than getting flicked by a finger. And where the hair is a bit thicker, you get flicked a little harder, but the feeling is gone in an instant.
As for the finished result at the end of session one, you wouldn't know any different unless you were told, I was a bit pink for a little while but that faded.
The most disconcerting thing though was the smell of burning hair!
What fascinated me was looking in the mirror. It looked like I'd just shaved, only there were a few longer hairs I'd missed with the razor in the morning and these practically fell out.
My skin still looks the same, still stubbly, but I'm still really smooth even after 24 hours, so I am stoked! I already booked in session two for a month's time and I can't wait to see the progress.

I have a funny story (read 'cautionary tale') about wearing 'the girls' at work but alas it is late and I am ready for bed, but, as they say, "watch this space"... I'll get to it tomorrow :lol:
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:37 pm

And lo, amusing anecdotes fall wayside when the "deal breaker" line is dropped yet again.
Honestly it feels like one step forwards, two steps back. I always knew this was going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I can feel myself preparing for the backside to fall out of the world.
At which point can you decide who to lie to? Yourself, or those around you? The need to be true to myself is becoming stronger all the time and I fear the deal may be broken before too long.
But I insisit on being stubbornly optimistic.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MorganWoolf » Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:11 am

:(
Since you are being optimistic, any chance she would be open to couples counseling? Just a thought. I want to be stubbornly optimistic with you.
I'm sorry things aren't going well. I support you doing what's right for you though. I'm still here on the sidelines rooting for you, hoping everything works out for the best, no matter what.
Do not place me by a star where only it's light can encompass me, instead place me in the darkness. There I can behold the lights of all the stars in the universe.
User avatar
MorganWoolf
Member
 
Posts: 457
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 9:12 am
Location: Colorado USA

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:40 pm

Try close to 8 months couples counselling already done and dusted. So many other issues to deal with at the same time, but I tried so many times to steer the conversation towards "my need to just be myself" and so many times we've talked about gender roles in our home, but I could never find footing to steer the conversation down the right path. It was always overshadowed by other more immediate issues that led us into counselling in the first place. Oh, how I wanted to just shout it out and be done with it. I'd even go in wearing my beloved clips and my hair up, hoping to provoke an interest.
But then our counsellor moved on to greener pastures and we finished up our sessions rather than starting fresh with someone new.
It's so frustratingly ironic, the words that come out of her mouth. Contradiction upon contradiction and I'm left feeling like a lost sheep.
On one occasion, she says "I don't care how you present yourself, I love you for you, not how you look."
The very next night she says "Sometimes I think you secretly want to be a woman," (ring the bells and throw the glitter, we have a winner!) "But that'd be a deal breaker, wouldn't it?" (False alarm, people, false alarm)
I think because I never try to deny anything, it almost makes it harder.
I can feel myself becoming emotionally distant and this makes me really sad, but I feel like I already know how things are gonna turn out and if I'm somehow amazingly incredibly proven wrong, Great!
But I'm steeling myself against this approaching inevitable fallout. I just know I am not prepared to let it go without fighting tooth and nail but I cannot achieve a victory one sided.
I have to let things run their course. If I force the issue now I am basically hammering the nails in the coffin lid of this relationship.
I'm just not ready to make that sacrifice.
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Re: I need support

Postby MyNicky » Wed Sep 20, 2017 2:48 am

Quick update, nothing new on the relationship front, however I had a huge personal victory; I had a job interview and I went wearing lip gloss, breast forms and my shoulder length hair out in all its glory and long story short, I got the job!
So I don't wear 'the girls' every day because it's quite physical work and I've had interesting experiences with wayward silicone in the past.
Also, I'm now 3 sessions into my laser hair removal and am absolutely loving the results so far. Regrowth is beginning to look really patchy, so it kinda looks worse now because if that, but it's an exciting sign of the progress so far!
Do what makes you happy and don't back down.
Never negotiate away who you are.
User avatar
MyNicky
Regular
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:40 pm

Next

Return to Introductions

coiae

Consonance of Identity and Expression


© 2000 - 2016 The Ultimate Paradigm