Am I Trans ?

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Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:09 am

Hi everyone,

I first wanna thank you all for making this very helpful board exist. I just registered because I'm looking for pieces of advice and, possibly, support.

I was born and currently live as a male, aged 28. The past months, I've been feeling more and more feminine. I find it odd because I never questioned my gender before. I always felt different from other boys, but I never thought it had anything to do with gender. To complicate the matter, I've never felt anything for other boys (that makes sense, I feel that gender is unrelated to sexual orientation and I don't see why all trans women would have to be straight) so I've kind of had it easy (statistically easier to find female partner when you appear to be male). My body never developped strong male traits (very little hair, non-existing pectorals, not a lot of muscles), so I honestly can't say that I've really suffered from feeling 'trapped' in a body that wasn't my own. Still, it always looks weird in the mirror with that thing hanging between my legs and I never ever could figure what the balls were good for (not scientifically speaking, I know what they do, but I just can't understand why half the humanity would have to be burdened with so disgraceful organs).

Now I've read plenty of tales by plenty of women who were in the same initial situation as I'm in and have suffered a great deal from it, from a very young age, so I don't know if I am a trans woman. I can't say that I have experienced the same thing nor really suffered from it. I have had periods in my life when I was deppressed for no obvious reasons (ok social situation, hadn't lost a close relative), even considered suicide (I wasn't about to, but I mean I thought about it regularly, as a possible thing) but at that time I never thought it could have anything to do with my gender. I felt bad, feeling violent feelings of weariness, a good talk once in a while would make things better but they would always come back and I would become quite difficult to live with I guess. I never thought it could be gender-related, but then again they could have since I never had explanation for them. I don't know.

Thinking back about little stuffs in my life, they seem to make sense now that I consider them from a gender-centric point of view. Why my character was always a girl in my child games; why I've always had a lot of female friends and it felt more natural to be around them and even now at work I like working on a project with female coworkers better because they're so much more to-the-point and not always trying to show their balls; why I was so surprised when I read somewhere that the mental voice you use to speak to yourself matches your gender but I'm positive mine's always been a women's; why I suddenly started to grow my hair during my teens (for no reason, I just told people I 'just felt like I had to') while it wasn't even fashionable at that time — and why I now can't think about cutting them back, even though I'm ready to admit I might look better wearing them short, I just can't seem to accept the idea to give up that tiny and only little bit of feminity that I feel allowed to wear openly.

I've said to my wife that I wish I were a woman and it felt so damn good. She's wonderful and so understanding and that's clearly my best asset at the time being. Now that I'm openly a girl to myself, I'm so much better-tempered. I feel better and generally more relaxed while more efficient.

Re-reading the above, it seem quite clear that I am — at least now — a female being but I just don't know what to think because it seems most people get that kind of things sorted very early in their lives and often suffer a lot from it while I honestly didn't have so hard a time passively remaining a male and not questioning that. What do you think ? Am I a trans ? Am I just an 'enlightened weirdo' who somehow became aware of both aspects of his personality ?
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:50 am

***Big Hugs***

First off you likely are trans there is no threshold of suffering one must go through. And realization can capoen at 3 to 90 doesn't matter. I like to think of it that our brains are somewhere between in the normal distribution of traits for the genders with your own unique mix of traits. You describe some generalized dysphoria over your body, the thing is what you do about it is up to you. Our culture likes to pretend there is this huge gulf between men and women honestly it is a load of crap. Finding what it is you need that will give you comfort is up to you and choosing to do nothing right now is perfectly fine so long as you are okay with it. What I will say is it is a part of your core self and no amount of wishing or suppression will make it go away and often leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms. If this is too much right now I recommend searching for therapists in your area who specialize in gender issues to help you find a healthy path forward.

Some additional notes:
Yes gender and sexuality are completely unrelated, that said in general being transgender usually means you are a tad more flexible than most people when it comes to sexuality and it is not unusual for this openness to become apparent as you embrace your inner self.

Careful with your wife, this is a very big thing. Acceptance of the concept of you being a woman on the inside can come easy but​ if you decide to start transitioning visibly it may cause issues. This is one of those things that needs to be handled with great care. I don't know her or you very well but please don't sacrifice yourself of another's comfort. As I said this is not something that goes away but having someone who understands and accepts all of you is magic and I really hope you two have that.

This is a journey not a destination.. this is the first of many steps ahead of you. No step no matter how small or silly it may seem that gives you comfort is small. Take it at your own pace and stop to enjoy the view from time to time.

Welcome to the boards!
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sophieN » Sun Mar 19, 2017 4:48 pm

sasha wrote:H ...... Am I just an 'enlightened weirdo' who ...............


yes, you are an enlightened weirdo. achm, but seriously, your personal identity of gender is somewhat fluid …more or less …like mine, like many others. you’re probably already aware that some will fall near one end or the other of the gender spectrum while others extend more broadly to include all the way to far femme and over to a bit male or femme androgynous ..anyway, you get the idea.

i had this dysphoric awareness of self-misidentification for the longest time ..started very early around 5-6yrs when it just manifested as an interest in my mothers things ..clothes, makeup, etc which seemed quite normal and made me happy ..puberty really confused my thinking so much …testosterone just seemed to amplify what became some seriously troubled mental emotional issues involving sex and gender. when i finally got an education in these things of gender, dysphoria, etc. and started to take estrogen ..it calmed, for the first time in my life the inner turmoil …the intense desire to dress, the weird shit, the weird thoughts, etc …i still felt all the femininity i did before and for the first time was ok with it ..whereas before, i thought i was of an unhealthy mind and a corrupt nature. broken. i was brutal with myself. that’s pretty fucking spooky to me, now.

anyway, that’s what i get from reading your post …you may have this feminine nature and you may drift from femme to androgyny ..which is good and healthy and one you have every right if not a need to explore and express. you may even find, like me, your mind feeling certain disturbances and may or may not be in need of something it’s never gotten enough of, ever. if you feel there’s a fire you need to quench ..you may try changing the balance of hormones a bit. in the beginning, i started with 1mg tabs of estrofem. you may have a need to know whether a change in hormonal balance brings a bit of peace, that is, if you're dysphoric and troubled. everybody’s different and will tell a different variant of a personal even painful story.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:14 pm

Thank you so much for your kind welcome. Reading your answer moved me deeply and made me feel confident.

I got your warning about the people close to me and especially my wife. You can be sure that I'll never rush her into this because I love her so much and I would never want to hurt her especially because of my issues (to let you know me — and her — a little bit better, we've been married for 6 month, and have been together for 11 years).

Later that day we discussed the matter further together and she was once more amazingly supportive. She was the one who brought the topic to 'surgery', just to say that she didn't feel comfortable with the idea at the time being (and neither do I at the mo, so I was totally taken aback by her cool considering these things). I'm still enjoying the benefit of thinking about myself as a girl and I wanna be sure that's indeed what's bringing me all this well-being (and not the change in itself, like if I had changed any minor aspect of my life).

So anyway you're right first step and I don't want to rush any. I won't start transitioning now. Just borrowing her a belt or a scarf once in a while, which she enjoys. Like you said, enjoying the view from time to time and this is the first one : still not feeling really able to change things but enjoying the warm feeling of the realisation and keeping the precious secret between us. If I see that the change really stops me from reverting to my previous unhappy self, then I'll head to the next steps. Meanwhile, I'll just keep reading on the topic to make myself ready and browse this board which I find very helpful already.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:22 pm

I am so very happy for you and your relationship. Realizing you are transgender as an adult whenever you are doing it is in a way the waking up of a part of you that got left behind when you hit puberty. And like any teen there is lots of emotions just looking for release and a real need for support (even if we act like we don't want it). Having someone who affirms this part of you is great and growing that circle of friends that support all of you is something we all have to work on everyday. (And really all a therapist is, is a paid friend who attempts to be objective.)

Sophie touched on a point I missed. And this is something that has consequences but you should keep in mind for later. Hormones, yes they will change you slowly in all the ways you expect but what doesn't get mentioned as often that unlike a cis-man taking estrogen just about every transgender person who gets hormones that match their gender identity feels measurable relief. It is a bit like an anti-depressant for us. It doesn't stop you from dysphoria attacks but it blunts them and relieves some of that hard to quantify emotional load like depression. For the longest time I considered the thought of transition and hormones an escape, a dangerous coping mechanism that forever called to me. It took some internet therapist skewering every excuse I ever used, the notion that this is a real structural part of me, them pushing the reality that hormones will help in ways beyond boobs and butts, and that I could start with small things like never peeing standing up again, or wearing some small token of who I am at all times to feel a bit better.

As to your wife asking about SRS/GCS/Bottom Surgery. It is something you will have to get used to being transgender as almost everyone in your life will ask that question at some point after you come out to them they literally can't help it. If they are a guy and you are feeling cruel read up on the details on how the surgery is done and repeat it to them they will squirm in the most delightful way. My mother waited two weeks to pounce on me with that one. But she has been so sweet.. I can tell she is trying and just starting to get used to shifting her perception of me at some point soon I will no longer have to pretend to be her son anymore.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Mon Mar 20, 2017 5:02 pm

@sophieN Sorry I didn't see your message when I posted mine — I tend to be a slow writer and one who always needs to change things when he previews it before submitting. Thanks a lot for your precious advice regarding hormones. I hadn't considered that additional aspect of taking hormones.

@Ashley@Heart Actually coming from her I was rather glad she asked. It meant that she was able to imagine very deep changes. It was also a great time for me to realise I had never thought about the steps I'd need to truly feel myself. I'm still discovering that I feel better when I think of me as a woman, not planing things yet so it was a good occasion to start thinking about the concrete steps I had ahead of me. But thanks for the warning, I'll be ready when other not-so-well-meaning-persons ask : )
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby Rheya » Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:21 pm

The concrete steps of transition can be difficult to truly understand at first and it is something that one understand better and better as things move ahead. A lot of things can change as you start taking steps towards being yourself, some surgeries you always thought you had to do can no longer feel relevant and some can become key, for some hormones are not the answer and they realize this before taking hormones or after and for hormones is all that is needed. For some there is not need for any medical intervention whatsoever.

So take your time and feel around what you want and need to be okay with yourself, a lot of things can change along the way so don't stubbornly set your mind on things but keep your mind open and concerned with how you yourself feel about things and not what you ought to feel or what social norms seem to think you should or will feel.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby marie » Wed Mar 22, 2017 12:42 pm

What I like about this forum is that even when the original question is somewhat unrelated to my own dilemma. The answers given often are. Which is what happened here.

As Ashley says it's a journey not a destination and I find myself further down the road than I ever thought. Unlike you Sasha, I knew what I was for most of my life even if I suppressed and denied it. You would think it gets better when you accept yourself. But the opposite is true. The Dysphoria gets worse in my experience. My wife knows now and while she doesn't embrace it she doesn't make it an issue either and I find myself gradually easing along the road, perhaps not to transition but accommodation.

Like others, I've gradually moved to live more as a woman whether stereotypically as a housewife and child care to only wearing female underwear and using the bathroom sitting down to wearing a mix of male and female neutral clothing, even wearing lipstick very lightly. Also I have more potions and creams than my wife. This has helped but I feel more is needed, perhaps time to look at Estrogen. For this reason:
what doesn't get mentioned as often that unlike a cis-man taking estrogen just about every transgender person who gets hormones that match their gender identity feels measurable relief. It is a bit like an anti-depressant for us. It doesn't stop you from dysphoria attacks but it blunts them and relieves some of that hard to quantify emotional load like depression.


That's what I need. But it's another step on the road to transition. A slippery slope of a road. But on reading this thread I will have to look into it. I'm now going to contact someone to look into this option.

Thanks for asking the question Sasha and for the answers ladies!
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:19 pm

marie wrote:That's what I need. But it's another step on the road to transition. A slippery slope of a road. But on reading this thread I will have to look into it. I'm now going to contact someone to look into this option. Thanks for asking the question Sasha and for the answers ladies!


You are welcome! It is not magical and can be kept low or stopped if things move too fast for you. But yea it is a concrete step and should not be started lightly.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:17 am

@marie Glad the question helped you : )

It's funny because when I started reading about TG, hormones was the first thing that caught my attention. I somehow felt pretty sure I'll have to take some at some point. Now don't worry, I've read your message carefully, I'm not gonna stick to that even if things change for me, but I've read they help on the body and facial hair issue and may allow my breast to grow so it seems to me that's what I'll need. Eventually. And I'm ok with that. I mean I can picture myself doing this and that's not too scary, cause there's gonna be medical control and everything. But I'm so afraid to enter a shop to buy female clothing… I long for it, but that seem so out of reach !
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Mar 23, 2017 7:42 am

sasha wrote: But I'm so afraid to enter a shop to buy female clothing… I long for it, but that seem so out of reach !


It helps tremendously if a sympathetic friend or acquaintance goes with you, Sasha. If you are anywhere near Ohio, I would go with you. Once you get over the initial fear, it becomes a lot of fun, trust me !
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby marie » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:32 am

Ashley@Heart wrote:You are welcome! It is not magical and can be kept low or stopped if things move too fast for you. But yea it is a concrete step and should not be started lightly.
Yes I would want to move slowly, really my first priority will be to see how it might help me emotionally. I think I'm ready to make that step even though I'm actually shaking at the thought of it. I feel like I've crossed a line somehow.

As for shopping Sasha, you can get a lot of clothes online but buying in shops isn't as bad as you think. I've done it for years even if I sometimes get panic attacks and flee occasionally. But recently I went through an entire shopping mall shop by shop entirely focussed on the women's sections. I love shopping, particularly shoe shops. But in your case like anything the thought of it is worse than the reality. No one really cares, men do buy clothes for their wives and girlfriends. But before you do shop you need to sort out your sizes so you want have to return things.

But if you can shop with someone that would be great.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Mar 23, 2017 9:53 am

marie wrote: I think I'm ready to make that step even though I'm actually shaking at the thought of it. I feel like I've crossed a line somehow.


For both of you, Sasha and Marie, this website can help build up your self-esteem and confidence so that you can think more clear and act accordingly. Your friends in cyberspace are here to help you at any time.

As for shopping Sasha, you can get a lot of clothes . . . .

But if you can shop with someone that would be great.


But when shopping online, the sizing invariably turns out wrong, and then you are stuck with it. So much better when you can actually see and touch the garment. Goodwill and thrift shops are wonderful, you can see and touch it, try it on if need be, and the prices are low. Go for it !!!
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:48 pm

I might come off overly negative here but that is not my intention. I just want there to be as realistic impression as possible for what hormones do. For those of us going from male to female. To get the full effect you need both estrogen and and something to lower testosterone. The effects on hair take time and when it comes to facial hair while it may thin some those hairs will never stop. If you can't stand the look of your facial hair I recommend finding really good electrolysis or laser hair removal people in your area as this takes time and money. Also while some regrowth may occur male pattern baldness is not reversed.. Consistencyand avoiding sudden swings is important unless you like emotional swings and possible menopause like symptoms. This should always be done with support. We get so focused on changing our appearence sometimes that internal acceptance and growth can get left behind. Learning to like all of yourself is hard when looking in the mirror or comparing yourself to others is so painful. For me I feel better, more like how I should now.

As to clothes I am far from an expert but I recommend getting a measurement tape and watch a few videos on how to measure yourself. Then go to Amazon and try a few things with the free returns along with the size charts to get a general idea what your sizes are so shopping in real life can be faster. For me I found myself around a woman's size 12 long in skinny jeans. In tops XL or XXL.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Sat Mar 25, 2017 11:48 am

@CuteButLooksPregnant Thank you so much for your proposal. I'd love to learn shopping as a woman with you but unfortunately I'm quite far from Ohio : I live in France :wink: but you're right coming here helps a lot. There's not a lot of people with whom I can be my true female self yet, so it's really good to have you all. I can't make it every day but I really love logging in here. Thank you !

About the clothes yeah I'm not really an online shopper so I guess I'll study some material to determine my size (I never knew my male size so at least there'll be nothing to forget, only new stuff to learn ^^) and go to a shop IRL.

I know hormones are not some kind of magic potion (don't worry Ashley@Heart, you don't sound negative, just like a realistic woman who's been there and knows what she's talking about). I don't think I suffer a lot from male baldness but I quite dislike the grey halo in the mirror, even right after I've shaved my face. I'm going to read about hair removal techniques and look for one around here.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby REM1126 » Wed Mar 29, 2017 11:33 pm

You are welcome here. That said, you may be trans or you may not be trans. I don't know. A good therapist can help you figure it out.

Sometimes, people have other things in their life that cause them to think they are trans_____, when actually it isn't that. I was talking on the phone to a man who transitioned to female 15 years ago, and it has been over the course of that time that he has come to realize he is not transsexual after all (he says he is not even transgender). He has had his breast removed and is de-transitioning back to male. So, before you reach any conclusions consider the question carefully.

That said, if you think you are transgender (a large umbrella term) you very likely are. At any rate, you are welcome here. Find yourself.
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Re: Am I Trans ?

Postby sasha » Sun Apr 02, 2017 9:50 am

Thank you for your very kind answer. I appreciate having various points of view. At any rate the first step I'll take when I'm ready will be to see a therapist and like I said I'm definitely not gonna rush things : )

When I read your message, I almost thought : 'of course you don't know', since even I can't be sure (and that's why I'm not jumping in). But was it a Cartesian-doubt kind of 'I don't know' or are there precise points in my story that made you think I probably wasn't who I start to think I am ?

Also, may I ask what made your friend think he was a trans-woman ? What was he going through that made him think he was transgender ? And what made him recently realise he was not ?
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