Hello, you can call me Aella, I am 24 year old, I was born as a male but right now I don't know what I am, I searched a lot and I never found someone that I could identify with, so I want to ask if someone ever felt like this and what you think about.
When I was a kid, I crossdressed with my mother's clothes twice, but I was almost caught doing it and I had the feeling that if I was caught doing that I would be in big trouble, so I never did that again. I played with my action figures as dolls half of the time(They had family, houses, but they were still action heroes), I never liked physical games like hide and seek, it never made a lot of sense for me why boys and girls play different things, I always thought "Why can't we play together?" and because I didn't enjoy boys games and I wasn't a girl I played alone most of the time.
When puberty started I didn't pay attention to the changes in my body immediatly and I liked girls, so I thought everything was ok but as I started to change more and more I started to feel unsatisfied with my looks, I tried going to the gym and I started to become muscular, but it didn't make me feel good, it felt kinda weird, simultaniously I started to have this weird wish that I was born a girl, but I didn't knew it was possible to actually change your body that way.
I played a lot of online games, most of the time with a female character, when people would approach me I tried to tell them that I was a man but I enjoyed being treated as a woman so I didn't say anything, but I always kept my distance so they wouldn't ask for pictures or invite to voice chats.
Since I started living alone it became stronger, I've been crossdressing for half a year now and I enjoy it, but when I look myself in the mirror I feel ridiculous, I think about how I wish I could have a body to dress the way I want. When I see my female friends I think about how it would be to look like them, I don't hate my body or appearance, I could live with that, but I feel I would be a lot happier if I could be a woman, I don't feel like people need to accept me as a female, people could keep calling me a man or whatever, I just want to like my own body and not just feel like it is just a shell made to keep my brain alive.
So I don't know if I am transgender because every transgender say they hated their body while I feel really neutral about mine, as I said, I could live with my body, my biggest question is if being happy with how I look is that important, or if everyone feel neutral about their body, I think the best way to describe how I feel about my body is that "It is just a shell to keep my brain alive, it doesn't need to be beautiful, it just need to work".
Thanks for reading, what are your thoughts about this?