I don't know what I am.

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I don't know what I am.

Postby Aella » Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:18 am

Hello, you can call me Aella, I am 24 year old, I was born as a male but right now I don't know what I am, I searched a lot and I never found someone that I could identify with, so I want to ask if someone ever felt like this and what you think about.

Story time:

When I was a kid, I crossdressed with my mother's clothes twice, but I was almost caught doing it and I had the feeling that if I was caught doing that I would be in big trouble, so I never did that again. I played with my action figures as dolls half of the time(They had family, houses, but they were still action heroes), I never liked physical games like hide and seek, it never made a lot of sense for me why boys and girls play different things, I always thought "Why can't we play together?" and because I didn't enjoy boys games and I wasn't a girl I played alone most of the time.

When puberty started I didn't pay attention to the changes in my body immediatly and I liked girls, so I thought everything was ok but as I started to change more and more I started to feel unsatisfied with my looks, I tried going to the gym and I started to become muscular, but it didn't make me feel good, it felt kinda weird, simultaniously I started to have this weird wish that I was born a girl, but I didn't knew it was possible to actually change your body that way.

I played a lot of online games, most of the time with a female character, when people would approach me I tried to tell them that I was a man but I enjoyed being treated as a woman so I didn't say anything, but I always kept my distance so they wouldn't ask for pictures or invite to voice chats.

Since I started living alone it became stronger, I've been crossdressing for half a year now and I enjoy it, but when I look myself in the mirror I feel ridiculous, I think about how I wish I could have a body to dress the way I want. When I see my female friends I think about how it would be to look like them, I don't hate my body or appearance, I could live with that, but I feel I would be a lot happier if I could be a woman, I don't feel like people need to accept me as a female, people could keep calling me a man or whatever, I just want to like my own body and not just feel like it is just a shell made to keep my brain alive.

So I don't know if I am transgender because every transgender say they hated their body while I feel really neutral about mine, as I said, I could live with my body, my biggest question is if being happy with how I look is that important, or if everyone feel neutral about their body, I think the best way to describe how I feel about my body is that "It is just a shell to keep my brain alive, it doesn't need to be beautiful, it just need to work".

Thanks for reading, what are your thoughts about this?
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Re: I don't know what I am.

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:46 pm

Hello Aella!

First off just questioning your assigned gender makes you transgender. There is no arbitrary level of suffering you must have. What are you? You are a person who is dealing with a rare issue you were likely born with. You are special as you sit somewhere between the gender binary that most consider absolute. You are someone who gets to decide who you are and what you need.

You described yourself as feeling ridiculous when dressed. Please try to cut yourself some slack. That can lead to all sorts of negativity you don't need. Think about what is bothering you and find ways to deal with that. And in time you may find that you are far closer to your dreams than you think.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: I don't know what I am.

Postby Shizuku » Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:54 pm

Hi, Aella. Nice to meet you. I know for certain that I'm trans* (after struggling with acceptance for some time), and I can relate to you quite a bit, and I'm sure that others here would also. You're going through the motions without really feeling anything. I know exactly how that's like. When puberty hit, I also tried to overcompensate by being overly masculine in my own way. Ultimately, all that did was lower my self-esteem more. Heck, I did the online game thing, too. Escapism helped me cope.

I doubt that most people use their newfound freedom of living on their own to cross dress. Now that you're away from external influences that prevented you from being yourself, you have an increased urge to correct what feels fundamentally wrong. I also doubt that most people would even question what gender they are; they live comfortably in their assigned gender roles without much of a thought.

As transgender people, our experiences with gender dysphoria differ. I wouldn't be so bold as to say that we all hate our bodies. I mean, technically we only get one.

After reading your post, you definitely sound trans*, IMO. Though at the end of the day, it's up to you to decide how you present yourself.
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Re: I don't know what I am.

Postby ClaraHindle » Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:40 pm

Hi Aella,

Nice to meet you.

Oh believe me I can empathise with you. I think one thing to keep in mind is that there a lots of different levels to transgender people. Some, as you say, hate their bodies and desperately want to change, whereas others (such as myself I would say) feel a discomfort and a desire to be the opposite sex but can get by suppressing it or presenting as their assigned sex. Most of the time at least.

Like you, I feel confused as to what I am. I feel like I am a girl a lot of the time, but I'm an actor so when I act I feel comfortable as a male. Every time I have a role this confusion and doubt to whether I am transgender sets in...

But in the end, at the end of the day when I've come home there's no way of escaping the girl who nips at me constantly. I keep telling myself that if I have a desire to be a girl then I must be transgender...but logic isn't something my mind likes to take on when it's my own situation. If you have a desire to be girl a then I would say you're trans, but hey I'm not an expert.

I've also done the gaming as a female character thing...in fact on a side note I'm currently writing a novel from the perspective of a female character. It's quite fun and feels right.

I hope you get the clarification you want. Sometimes confusion and doubts are the worst thing about this. If you ever want to talk just me up on here. I'm here to listen.

Hope you have a good day,
Clara x
-Hannah

(I chose my username before I stumbled across the perfect name for me)
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Re: I don't know what I am.

Postby KoroSensei » Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:31 am

So I don't know if I am transgender because every transgender say they hated their body while I feel really neutral about mine, as I said, I could live with my body, my biggest question is if being happy with how I look is that important, or if everyone feel neutral about their body, I think the best way to describe how I feel about my body is that "It is just a shell to keep my brain alive, it doesn't need to be beautiful, it just need to work".

I get this. I'm comfortable in my body, and I 'could' live with it if I tried. But I'd rather not try. I'd rather be male, and present as male. It's hard to put that feeling into words, but you've done it very nicely. :)
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
-Albus Dumbledore.
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