ugh...I NEED to be female.

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ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby Demon » Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:59 am

Ugh I was almost not going to post this. It shows this cold world that I have signs of weakness. That I am emotional. Weak. And fragile. Some people, even transwomen, tell me not to share my problems. That noone wants to hear my emotions. And its like no matter what I cant escape the twilight zone, that I am a male who just is always told to "man up" and hide their emotions. No matter what I cant escape it.

I almost decided not to post this, because Papillion posted a link to perv.htm. Now she did this for good reason, and in the context of the conversation it made sense. But when I saw the pic it was this hairy pervert with one of those manly dungeon masks, extremely hairy and wearing female leggings. And I was like, ugh, it just triggered me, made me feel negative and unconfident. Im like, is this me, am I just some pervert like that? And all of a sudden I felt this thing where I just needed to man up, be a man, and be cis. But its like no, I am not cis, I am transsexual, the path of the cis road leads to nowhere, only brings me unhappiness.

Its like, with me, I need to be one or the other. I am not happy as a man but I would rather be a miserable soldier man than some weird hairy guy with a beard who wears panties. I dont like being this half thing or partial monstrocity. And its like, when I browse google images of chicks with dicks, or cartoon futas, it fills me with confidence. They dont feel like partial monstrocities, they feel like they are complete beings, just women with a penis. And they fill me with inspiration that its okay to have a penis, as long as you are beautiful. But when I see on google images, these pics of these weird hairy men in a dress, it just makes me feel shame at being trans.

And so last night and this morning I was so depressed, I was like why was I ever born, everything felt futile, I felt sick to my stomach. I was playing Borderlands and wild west music was playing. And I was a girl in Borderlands and I wished I was a girl in real life, I wish so much I was a girl in real life. It was not a fetish, I just wish I could have been a teenage girl, in the wilderness and nature hiking and exploring with other girls. But instead I had to be a man. I kept imagining myself as a man, in the wild west walking around. Who would I be? I would be so miserable. So desperate. I would be hating myself all the time. I would feel nothing but constant sexual frustration and this feeling where I had to pretend I'm cool when Im just so miserable deep down. And its like the children, when I see the children. They all gather round me and look up to me like Im some cowboy icon. And I have to fake a smile and pretend I am the man they all view me as. And its so depressing and I just imagine I walk out to the sun and dissapear, never to be heard from again.

I feel so sick to my stomach and wishing so much I could just be a girl. I wish there was a magic button I could press to be a girl. I feel trapped being a man, like I am litterally trapped inside a man's body. This overwhelming feeling of I cannot escape my fate. I want to be a girl so much but I can't. I imagine that in the wild west I am a Joker wearing purple and women's makeup. And that there is no technology to give me boobs and I am too afraid to wear fake boobs, and so people just are afraid of me I am a Joker who wears womens makeup and thats all. And it doesnt feel enough for me. Like I need to be a full female. A full siren of Borderlands a teenage chick and have an actual life of a teenage female. But I dont want to be a goodie two shoes, I want to be a badass chick who smokes weed and goes to parties.

Sometimes in real life, when I go to parties they correctly gender me and accept me as trans. But it all feels like a facade, like I dont really pass and have a male body. And I never truly feel comfortable and I dont feel like a real person. I just want to sit at home and sit at the computer, because whenever there's a real-life lesbian I can't tell my feelings for her, I just have to act like a ghost a silent ghost who doesn't pass as female and is not fully female. I want to be a full female so I can feel like a real person. I would even be okay with having a penis if I could just somehow be viewed as a true and full female. Sometimes looking at traps makes me so sad about myself, I say to myself I am doomed I will never pass like them I will always be an outcast till the day I die. Sometimes I see gays and drag queens that look more female than me, it makes me feel so sad and hopeless and can barely go on. I feel like a ghost just walking around like I dont feel real. I need to turn into a full female who is totally passes as a female.

Ive always tried to escape from reality by being a computer nerd. In highschool I was always miserable shy and sexually frustrated all the time, so I'd play videogames or look at lesbian porn to escape. But now its like that doesnt work anymore. I need to have a real body and real life and be a real female. But there is no technology to save me. No magic button to make me into a real female. I have all these fantasies were I am wearing a purple trenchcoat. (not jokers, he wears a tailcoat not a trenchcoat, in the fantasy I am someone else wearing a different coat) and I open it to reveal the body of a true female. But they cannot come true until the technology becomes real. I feel trapped like a helpless victim of a movie, trapped in ice that must be saved by a hero. I am helpless powerless. I am a helpless victim who maybe was a villian that made some mistakes. But now I am trapped in ice and someone must save me, the hero feels sorry for me and compassion for me, they realize my villiany was due to me being a sad helpless tormented soul, and now they feel sorry for me, that I am trapped in ice and they want to save me. It is like how Joker was dying of poison, and Batman tried to give him the cure to save his life, only I am not Joker I am Princess Elsa, except instead of having the power to throw ice, instead I have no power to throw ice and I am trapped inside of ice. I cannot bear being in this male reality any longer. I must become a real female, it is the only cure for me.

I don't know if people with body dyspmorphic disorder are trans or not. But I want mercy for them just like mercy for me, I feel so sorry for them. Please save them. I remember in tennis class they gave us a video of our performance. I touched my heart that they were so thoughtful and gracious. But when I watched the video I was like what is this thing I am looking at, could not even look at myself it was too cringey. I could not bear hurting their feelings so I said thankyou for the video. But I could not bear looking at my male body or facial hair. I don't know if my brain is fully female but please have mercy on us and save us from this torment. I beg of Mercy for everyone please give mercy on our everyone anyone with body dysmorphia please give them mercy and save them I beg.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby jentay1367 » Thu Apr 05, 2018 5:22 pm

Honey....you're who you think you are....you're who you say you are. No one can take that away from you but first you gotta own it. Once that's done, it's a free ride to your heaven. First you must quit defining yourself in others eyes or allowing their eyes to define you.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CN4JHP28s4U
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby marie » Thu Apr 05, 2018 5:38 pm

You are already a woman. Just accept it. You're still on ignore
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby REM1126 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 12:30 am

You seem to be depressed. Do you have a doctor you can talk to about that?

I know in the past you have said they want to prescribe you anti-depressants, when what you need is to be a woman [paraphrasing, but it was something like that]. It won't make the gender dysphoria go away, but you seem to have anxiety and depression that goes beyond gender dysphoria.

I want whatever is best for you. You will have to be the one to get help for yourself. We can't do that for you from our end.

Make the best decisions you can. Good luck.
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby Demon » Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:54 am

Thankyou, all three of you. I know you want to cheer me up, but sadly I am not a woman until society treats me like one. I have the view that if you put a woman's brain in a man's body, it is neither fully male or female until u give it the right body.

This morning I was trying to imagine my boobs were female boobs. I eat alot so I'm chubby and have small boobs. A feeling of peace and tranquility washed over me, that feeling peace and comfort at being a woman of Christmas. But it's not real, whenever I look in the mirror I don't see a female. And the other thing my brain is not fully female or fully male. I was playing dodgeball and my male reflexes were so good noone could beat me not even other males. And it's like if Xena warrior princess beat me I still wouldnt feel female only a submale. In public I don't feel right or happy as a male I need to be a female.

I don't feel depressed I feel stressed and paranoid. It's like im always afraid someone is gonna judge me over something I did in the past or abandon me because im trans or gossip about me behind my back. And it's like this nightmare of being stuck in a male body which in their minds somehow justifies their unfair treatment of me.
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby REM1126 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 12:10 pm

Demon wrote:Thankyou, all three of you. I know you want to cheer me up....

You are welcome. And, yes, I was. :lol: Again, I am sorry you are having a rough time. I'd love to help if I could. If I could magically change you the way you want, I'd do it immediately. I can't even help myself in that regard.

Demon wrote:This morning I was trying to imagine my boobs were female boobs.

I do that EVERY day. :wink:

Demon wrote:I eat alot so I'm chubby and have small boobs.

Me too.

Demon wrote:A feeling of peace and tranquility washed over me, that feeling peace and comfort at being a woman of Christmas. But it's not real, whenever I look in the mirror I don't see a female.

At least there was peace for a short time.

Demon wrote:And the other thing my brain is not fully female or fully male. ...In public I don't feel right or happy as a male I need to be a female.


What is holding you back from transitioning?
Demon wrote:I don't feel depressed I feel stressed and paranoid.

So, it is more anxiety than depression? Alright. There is medicine that can take the edge off of that too. I have a good friend who has an anxiety disorder, for which he takes medicine.

Demon wrote:It's like im always afraid someone is gonna judge me over something I did in the past or abandon me because im trans or gossip about me behind my back. And it's like this nightmare of being stuck in a male body which in their minds somehow justifies their unfair treatment of me.

You need to find a way to get away from toxic people who are judging you like this. It seems to be making you miserable. Try to surround yourself with positive people. Maybe, there is a local trans support group for you? OR, an LGBTQ group?

I hate to see you in such pain, but a lot of times I just don't know what to say or do to help you.
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby Lexinexi » Tue Apr 10, 2018 10:00 am

I think transitioning is half taking hormones and half seeing a therapist. they will work through these problems with you.

Remember people on the internet are weird and they are not you or all trans people. Once I got my hair removed I felt so much better about myself. Yes it's painful and expensive but but the emotional pain it makes is worse. The hormones help with hair too! I don't look at porn any more its too weird and I don't like it anyways; it's not real. We get conditioned to thinking transpeople are a category on a porn site thats not real life! How many cis people are are porn categories? Sure a small % but not really.

Transitioning is not quick you didn't become an man over night it took a few years; how many months are you into your transitioning? Going to take at least 1 to 2 years thats how long it takes to grow your hair! Thats what I use as my gauge when I feel it's not going fast enough if my hair doesn't have time to change certainly my whole body doesn't!

Also I have a picture of a trans girl on my phone who looks like me and what I will probably look like. It gives me great hope every time I look at it because she is always smiling back at me!

i'm not 100% passable yet but I still dress and act girly people may say "thats not a girl but they are definitively really girly/gay/fem." Thats all I really want; I didn't at first but now that my brain is balanced out with hormones I feel better. if you play the part enough you become the part. My butt is growing frustratingly slow but I just wear dresses that show off my upper curves. We are lucky that we have so many options to make us look girly FTM don't have all that.

just an FYI change the line in your sig even if you don't believe it now it will give you a little bit less negativity every time you reread your posts.
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby Demon » Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:32 am

REM1126 wrote:
Demon wrote:And the other thing my brain is not fully female or fully male. ...In public I don't feel right or happy as a male I need to be a female.


What is holding you back from transitioning?

I did transition at one point, it didn't go well, I always got misgendered and bullied and so I gave up.
Now I have PTSD, I am afraid of going back. I am not happy as a male and I am miserable as male. But I view as having no other option. It feels like mental insanity. Because I had a cis friend, I asked him why does he live life as a man? He told me, men have it bad, he is miserable, and no woman will give him the time of day, as a man. He could not provide a reason why he lives life as a man. Other than, it must be done. There is no other option. Like Bob cratchet of Ebenezer Scrooge, it is my ball and chain, my curse, I cannot escape from. Like a zombie soldier I march onward, I cannot pass, I cannot escape my fate, I cannot escape negative social judgement.

Demon wrote:I don't feel depressed I feel stressed and paranoid.

So, it is more anxiety than depression? Alright. There is medicine that can take the edge off of that too. I have a good friend who has an anxiety disorder, for which he takes medicine.
I took my meds last night, still had crappy dreams and feeling weird in the morning. But I soldiered up, I said work must be done, even though I am miserable, like in Gears of War, or Marcus Fenix, I fight through the pain.

Demon wrote:It's like im always afraid someone is gonna judge me over something I did in the past or abandon me because im trans or gossip about me behind my back. And it's like this nightmare of being stuck in a male body which in their minds somehow justifies their unfair treatment of me.

You need to find a way to get away from toxic people who are judging you like this. It seems to be making you miserable. Try to surround yourself with positive people. Maybe, there is a local trans support group for you? OR, an LGBTQ group?
The sad part is, half of these people are from the trans or lgbt community, half of them treat me like crap and are assholes.

I hate to see you in such pain, but a lot of times I just don't know what to say or do to help you.

Support science whole heartedly. So that you can make affordable trans tech for people like me.

I
think transitioning is half taking hormones and half seeing a therapist. they will work through these problems with you.

Remember people on the internet are weird and they are not you or all trans people. Once I got my hair removed I felt so much better about myself. Yes it's painful and expensive but but the emotional pain it makes is worse. The hormones help with hair too! I don't look at porn any more its too weird and I don't like it anyways; it's not real. We get conditioned to thinking transpeople are a category on a porn site thats not real life! How many cis people are are porn categories? Sure a small % but not really.

All cis are in porn categories, straight les gay etc. I stopped watching porn but only because i was depressed, miserable and jealous people get to be hot and im stuck being alone sexually frustrated and male.

Transitioning is not quick you didn't become an man over night it took a few years; how many months are you into your transitioning? Going to take at least 1 to 2 years thats how long it takes to grow your hair! Thats what I use as my gauge when I feel it's not going fast enough if my hair doesn't have time to change certainly my whole body doesn't!

already did for 2 years.
i'm not 100% passable yet but I still dress and act girly people may say "thats not a girl but they are definitively really girly/gay/fem." Thats all I really want; I didn't at first but now that my brain is balanced out with hormones I feel better. if you play the part enough you become the part. My butt is growing frustratingly slow but I just wear dresses that show off my upper curves. We are lucky that we have so many options to make us look girly FTM don't have all that.

Nope I disgree. When I took hormones being misgendered ruined my female vibes. its an automatic reflex, occasionally i fantasize i am james bond, but when people actually call me male pronouns it makes me feel dirty and sick to my stomach.
And we are worse off than FTMS. The only advatage we have is better sex change. But FTMS can take testosterone and turn into boys. But estrogen wont make us fully pass.

just an FYI change the line in your sig even if you don't believe it now it will give you a little bit less negativity every time you reread your posts.

What sig should I put?
my life is mostly pain
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Re: ugh...I NEED to be female.

Postby REM1126 » Mon Apr 16, 2018 6:25 pm

Demon, thank you for reading my post and giving it some thought, and for taking time to respond to it.

You have taken risks to try to find a better life, and it didn't succeed like you wanted it to. That is hard. I know. I have done my best at things, and not been satisfied with the results of my efforts. It hurts. And, it drains you of energy for a while. But, as time passes the pain can too, and you can get that energy back.

I want you to be happy, and I believe you can find happiness. Don't give up. Keep trying to find a way to be happy. In the meanwhile, whether you just want me to listen, or if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I will try.

<3
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