Some Thought Provoking Questions

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Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby ARTrans » Mon Nov 13, 2017 3:36 pm

Hiya,

So last week my lovely tights and stockings came and felt like I had a good week with not too much dysphoria, then Monday came today and I felt less good :p. I have a few questions that hopefully will provoke a few thoughts for me and also for others...

1) Why do I get dysphoria, surely they way I was born is exactly right, that's who I am, how I think, talk, look, act etc. etc. (when not putting on a mascaline facade). Why do I sometimes have feelings that I should have been a woman or general transy/dysphoric thoughts

2) When the first trans thought occurred to me and I realised what it meant was when I was dozing / daydreaming and I happened to be a woman. Is this how I want to be / wish I was or is that just the way it manifested itself to me?

3) I am almost transitioning in terms of looks by copying really. I see a person that I like (man or woman) and copy there style because well I liked it to begin with - is this a good way? I bought some lovely tights and stockings and floral trousers to wear

4) Why do people say sexuality and gender are different. I can see why on some levels but for me I see more links and similarities. Physically I would be a 'gay man' but inside I am a straight woman but as some examples I find older family men attractive as they can provide stability and security, but I also find younger, effeminate, well dressed men attractive to as I resonate with how they look and act. I feel like both types compliment my feelings inside. I also sometime feel I find women incredibly attractive (although don't really want to be with them sexually) - is that a sort of gender recognition thing going on and how they act/look?

5) Can trans people be in a relationship with non trans people? I want to be but sometimes I think I can't ever be in a relationship with someone as I don't know what I will look like in a week let alone a few years... How long does transitioning last? How can it be fair on a partner etc. etc.

6) I have been having some pretty intense vivid and symbolic dreams. Anybody else have that?

7) Why do I find it so hard being me? Is it because I built up a masculine facade for so long thats hardwired into me and reversing that is so difficult?

8) Recently my mother died from a illness and today I had what was a really emotional thought, that I am exactly who I am because of her. Like the reason I am feminine is because she always has been and always will be a part of me both biologically and emotionally. I just sometimes think that my identity is so insanely complex that I will never understand it and after emotional outburst I just laugh in amazement and think WTF am I!!?? haha
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Re: Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby dreamin » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:00 pm

i'm feeling emotionally flat as a board and incredibly depressed up here @ work presently, but am still led to answer this for whatever reason, so here are some dispassionate replies:

ARTrans wrote:1) Why do I get dysphoria

better to get clinical w/ this one: at some level you feel mental and/or physical incongruity with the biological sex to which you were born

ARTrans wrote:2) When the first trans thought occurred to me and I realised what it meant was when I was dozing / daydreaming and I happened to be a woman. Is this how I want to be / wish I was or is that just the way it manifested itself to me?

don't analyze your dreams to the point where you've affected your reality from them. a dream might simply be an additional way for you to explore "what if?", it might correspond with where you're *possibly* heading in the future, it also might be unhealthy to speculate further 'cause it's a dream and anything's possible in the astral plane. think of it as significant as you picking a girl character when you play a video game, and then disregard that "significance" as well ('cause it means literally nothing)

ARTrans wrote:3) I am almost transitioning in terms of looks by copying really. I see a person that I like (man or woman) and copy there style because well I liked it to begin with - is this a good way? I bought some lovely tights and stockings and floral trousers to wear

you can't know for certain your own style until you've explored a bit, and even then it's always subject to change 'cause that's the nature of style. if you've an affinity for some style, i can't see it being anything other than productive to explore whether it suits you on some level or not

ARTrans wrote:4) Why do people say sexuality and gender are different... <you find men and women attractive in different ways> ...is that a sort of gender recognition thing going on and how they act/look?

sexuality and gender are different because the first represents who you love (or no one), and the second who you innately are (or are not). they're on separate spectrums, and someone on any point of the gender spectrum may (or may not) love anyone else on the same spectrum, thus implicitly positioning them on the sexuality spectrum in the process. you can already envision the simplest pairings (or more, or none) on the gender spectrum and "solve for sexuality"

ARTrans wrote:5) Can trans people be in a relationship with non trans people? ...How long does transitioning last? How can it be fair on a partner etc. etc.

see answer to #4 above. my feeling is that it should be self-evident, however those who've grown up with strict parental and/or State controls may be at a loss for what the word "freedom" truly means, and how it translates into one's preferences and affinities

the length of time for transition is variable in both physical and societal changes. one might physically transition and never transition socially, the opposite may be true, or they may handle both asynchronously or simultaneously. both are simply at the individual's pace physically, mentally, and spiritually

disclaimer, the next 2 things are only how i would handle them:

  • if you're already in a relationship: the most fair thing is to tell your partner as soon as you're able that you're currently questioning your gender and that you may discover of yourself that you are actually a woman (if you don't already know this for certain). they deserve to know about this exploration of yours
  • if you're not yet in a relationship: be as honest as possible to a potential suitor about the fact you're currently questioning your gender, and that when all is said & done you may discover you're a woman
those who cannot (at least come to) appreciate, respect, and honor you for your honest declaration on the matter were not meant to be with you, period

ARTrans wrote:6) I have been having some pretty intense vivid and symbolic dreams. Anybody else have that?

haven't dreamt in a memorable way for a LONG time, tho some years back prior to and upon beginning transition i had vivid ones. some were likely symbolic as well, however i didn't box them in with speculation on what they could or should mean. i'm not convinced it wasn't just an unusually-strong link with the astral back then tho, 'cause i had a few years-worth of regular meditation leading up to those 'dreamy' times. now, nothing but darkness & irrelevance for the small periods of time that i actually sleep

ARTrans wrote:7) Why do I find it so hard being me? Is it because I built up a masculine facade for so long thats hardwired into me and reversing that is so difficult?

i'd offer that about 95%+ ppl on this board feel it's hard being them, because at minimum dysphoria, societal/familial rejection, and anxiety brought about from the fear of said rejection are all markedly hard pills for the normal human beings we are to swallow

nature in the form of testosterone levels & effects, and nurture in the form of whatever masculine shaping your family and environment provided you as you grew up, correspondingly hard-wired whatever your subconscious programming on the matter of your gender is. shaking said programming is as difficult as the rigidity of your masculine construct-of-self is. thus if you believed there was no way you could ever live as anything other than a man (for example), then that's pretty rigid and one would have a pretty difficult time tearing down such a formal construct of "maleness" for one's self

ARTrans wrote:8) ...I am exactly who I am because of her... I just sometimes think that my identity is so insanely complex that I will never understand it and after emotional outburst I just laugh in amazement and think WTF am I!!?? haha

you are vastly more complex than any adolescent programming to which you were subject, regardless of whether it was "good" or "bad" programming. this is true for all people. right now you're pondering the complexities of who you might be from a gender perspective. such ponderings may never come to a finite conclusion (and that's ok), but if you keep at it you'll likely come to some truths which consistently resonate with you. no rush
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby sophieN » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:57 pm

everything is true. every moment of the day, with every thought, deed, choice, you are creating yourself. i hope you aren’t looking for the truth because there really isn’t such an ultimate thing for this life on earth, for who you are or will become. we may share a common vision but individually, we are who we imagine ourselves to be. that’s always been our unfathomable, our inexhaustible superpower. of course, there are guidelines. i guess i’m speaking pretty broadly cuz like dreamin who posted before me, i’m at work, it’s tuesday and i just can’t fucking focus. i’m a total mess, today. anyway, read this, it's fucking great. http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html don’t stop searching and don’t ever cease to be amazed. no one has found everything. damn, just can’t zoom in, today. sorry. i'd loved to have posted something that actually made sense.
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Re: Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby marie » Wed Nov 15, 2017 7:08 am

Ok here's my take and I would add that I agree with most of Dreamin's thoughts too. The questions are quite relevant. Many of us have similar questions. But the answers are not so straightforward.

ARTrans wrote:1) Why do I get dysphoria, surely they way I was born is exactly right, that's who I am, how I think, talk, look, act etc. etc. (when not putting on a mascaline facade). Why do I sometimes have feelings that I should have been a woman or general transy/dysphoric thoughts
My dysphoria often comes out of the blue. I think in general we just get on with our daily lives because that's what we have to do. Sometimes there seems to be a trigger when I suddenly realise that things are not right, quite often it's simply seeing another woman doing something ordinary yet something I can't do routinely.

2) When the first trans thought occurred to me and I realised what it meant was when I was dozing / daydreaming and I happened to be a woman. Is this how I want to be / wish I was or is that just the way it manifested itself to me?
I get that all the time. When I'm dozing or simply lying there relaxed it's so much easier to be myself.

)3 I am almost transitioning in terms of looks by copying really. I see a person that I like (man or woman) and copy there style because well I liked it to begin with - is this a good way? I bought some lovely tights and stockings and floral trousers to wear
Every woman learns that way. Girls aren't born with the ability to put on make up or choose the right style. It's all learned. No surprise that. I have over the years developed a particular style and have become quite good with make up. It's just practice.

4) Why do people say sexuality and gender are different. I can see why on some levels but for me I see more links and similarities. Physically I would be a 'gay man' but inside I am a straight woman but as some examples I find older family men attractive as they can provide stability and security, but I also find younger, effeminate, well dressed men attractive to as I resonate with how they look and act. I feel like both types compliment my feelings inside. I also sometime feel I find women incredibly attractive (although don't really want to be with them sexually) - is that a sort of gender recognition thing going on and how they act/look?
Sexuality and gender are different. If you think about it. How could it be otherwise? If a gay man is attracted to other men just like a straight woman. Then are all gay men really trans? Or are lesbians actually trans men? Or if you're trans but attracted to women you can't really be trans at all. I'm bisexual, always have been. Where on Earth do I stand?

No they are quite different. I think we are all sexual beings and sometimes I wonder if in reality most people are potentially bisexual. Love, affectation and desire are universal. But it is a complex subject and no on knows all the answers.

5) Can trans people be in a relationship with non trans people? I want to be but sometimes I think I can't ever be in a relationship with someone as I don't know what I will look like in a week let alone a few years... How long does transitioning last? How can it be fair on a partner etc. etc.
Yes, it happens all the time. It all depends on the other person. Is it fair on them? No it isn't and I always remain conscious that my wife didn't ask or deserve this. Neither did I of course. It's not fair on anyone.

6) I have been having some pretty intense vivid and symbolic dreams. Anybody else have that?
Lots of them. Some related directly to being trans. One where I found myself as a pretty young woman who was crying. Surely that's my dream come true. Yet I was crying. Later I realised it spoke to my fears of losing my family. Another where I was a woman or at least living as a woman and everyone around me was totally cool with it. Yet I panicked and tried to hide it. Easy to see the moral of the tale there.

But then again the other night NASA chose me to fly into space as a test to see how an ordinary person reacts to zero gravity. It was very exciting, very vivid and real. Suddenly I see how people think they were kidnapped and experimented on by aliens while asleep in their beds. All great fun but ultimately dreams are just a form of fantasy just a badly made movie.

7) Why do I find it so hard being me? Is it because I built up a masculine facade for so long thats hardwired into me and reversing that is so difficult?
Yes and no, in recent years I finally accepted myself as a woman. Note this is different to accepting I was transgender. That was hard enough but finally realising that however I look, however I behave and whatever my likes and dislikes. I am behind it all a woman inside. Being a man is not hardwired into you. Being a woman is. The male is a façade. But it is to fall back into the male façade. It's like an actor who plays a recurring role. They slip back into the role with ease even if they hate it finally.
That's happened to me lately. I thought I was progressing but or one reason or another. I've reverted to male stereotype. It's too easy. I don't dress as a woman anymore, don't look after my skin, wear dull male clothing. My wife worries that I'm not looking after myself anymore which is ironic because she's the reason I've given up any hope of ever transitioning. I could cry but men don't cry, so I don't.

8) Recently my mother died from a illness and today I had what was a really emotional thought, that I am exactly who I am because of her. Like the reason I am feminine is because she always has been and always will be a part of me both biologically and emotionally. I just sometimes think that my identity is so insanely complex that I will never understand it and after emotional outburst I just laugh in amazement and think WTF am I!!?? haha
Everyone is 50% their Mother and 50% their Father. My youngest son is like a clone of my wife in looks. Yet he's very much a boy. Similarly my other son is very like me both in personality and looks. But you can really see his Mother in him. I'm very like my Mother, more so since I became a full time homemaker. When I'm dressed and made up the person looking back at me is very much my Mother's daughter like my other sisters. But she isn't the reason I'm feminine. It's bit more complex than that. As your rightly say.

That's just my view, take from it what you will. We all have our own path to travel and our own narrative to describe it. But as you can see there are a number of similarities in our lives. A common factor.
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Re: Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby marci » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:51 pm

Don't usually say just this, but OP - find a counselor who you resonate with. Your thoughts seem all across the board, and though, yeah, something's going on there, if you're looking to find some answers you might benefit from a little more focus in going about it. Can't hurt anything.

Re gender dysphoria though - it's not like you were born "exactly right". Nobody was. In your case (assuming you're actually identifying transgender in some way, which is what it sounds like) what you experience is the incongruence - mental and physical - between how you are and how you think you should be, at core. If you have this it's basically a lifetime gig.
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Re: Some Thought Provoking Questions

Postby BK199 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 11:29 am

ARTrans wrote:Hiya,


4) Why do people say sexuality and gender are different. I can see why on some levels but for me I see more links and similarities. Physically I would be a 'gay man' but inside I am a straight woman but as some examples I find older family men attractive as they can provide stability and security, but I also find younger, effeminate, well dressed men attractive to as I resonate with how they look and act. I feel like both types compliment my feelings inside. I also sometime feel I find women incredibly attractive (although don't really want to be with them sexually) - is that a sort of gender recognition thing going on and how they act/look?

5) Can trans people be in a relationship with non trans people? I want to be but sometimes I think I can't ever be in a relationship with someone as I don't know what I will look like in a week let alone a few years... How long does transitioning last? How can it be fair on a partner etc. etc.

7) Why do I find it so hard being me? Is it because I built up a masculine facade for so long thats hardwired into me and reversing that is so difficult?



4 becuase some transfolk are same sex attracted , and some are opposite sex attracted. some are bisexual. so - its not one and the same

u sound bicurious

5. yes, esp pansexuals / bisexuals really do well with such issues

7 because you are not support ed enough. humans are pack animals. when our pack doesn't accept us / isnt trustworthy, we freak out. if you were surrounded by acceptance and role models, u would be fine

t/c :)
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