don't know what to call this thread.

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don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Demon » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:29 pm

i was kneeling in the tub, wishing i was never born. I wanted to lay in the tub and never wake up again. I did not want to electrocute myself in the tub, that is too excruciatingly painful. i thought about putting a gun to my head but i said no that's too easy. i could not cry on the outside but i was crying on the inside. I said i refuse to commit suicide. what if there is other people like me? i said i need to help other people. they are just like me. save them from being a monster. i said i cannot only complain about myself, other people have problems. what if other people have problems and i need to listen to them? i need to save other peoples to save them from this hell. so if you need to talk about anything, I will listen. if you send me a PM i will tell you my email. I dont want to make my email public.

please dont report me to the mental hospital, like i said i promise not to commit suicide. i said i have life goals to help others. you know this cruel world if you complain they send you to a mental hospital. then they pump you full of drugs so you are even more suicidal than before. i dont want that for me. I am only medium depressed, not 100% depressed and i dont want to get worse.

then you may ask, if i am a demon why help? Why be a good person? First of all people dont know anything about me, dont understand me. i am the most hateful person on the planet, i have every right to be a demon. Second a true anarchist has no rules, a true villian does not need to obey. If i am a true anarchist then I can choose the path of good. I choose to be good and help others. What kind of villian would i be if i forced myself to be evil and was forced to obey evil? I do not have to be evil I can choose because im a free person. I can choose good.

i cannot cry on the outside but i cry on the inside. in the tub i see my chubby male body thats hairy. it feels surreal. i maintain a low level of consciousness, there is very little light in the air. is this my fate? To be a churchgoing man, a Mr. Lloyd a deacon of the church? To present as a family man of the church? An easy going, family man? But I'm not really "there", like patrick bateman they have an idea of me but its an illusion.

Let's say I've been googling. Let's say I've seen that the more celibate you are, the higher your testosterone rises. But lets say ive turned into a real man, a real alpha male joker. But the more of a real man i become, the more fake i feel. i have lost interest in everything. Earlier as a child, i lost interest in baking. As a teen, i lost interest in magic. As an adult, i lost interest in dolls. Now, approaching a middle age, i lose interest in videogames. All of the feminine good things that make life worth living. Feminity. Hedonism. Luxuries. Slowly fading away like the movie Inside Out with the falling islands of mind. I try not to be a hedonist. I try to be manly because to enjoy hedonism is degeneracy. To be anything other than my birth sex is weakness. But the more i try to be the man i was born to be, the weaker i feel. And lets say one day I finally got laid, to escape from the buidling toxic masculinity. But it wasn't enough, it was hollow meaningless sex, wasn't with the person i was madly in love with, or a 10/10 18 year old babe, and after i came, it made me feel like a meaningless, hollow man.

Lets say I knew a transsexual who said my little pony was a sacred religion. Lets say everyone thought they were crazy. They told me they were Jesus Christ. But the more I grow the more I realize that my little pony is the one true sacred religion, the only good in this world at all. And lets say this transsexual, gave up on being trans. Because they were rejected by the lesbian of their dreams, like I was. And they said they must do their duty and work like a hard working businessman, working on a rock farm shoveling rocks, just like in my little pony.

Now lets talk about women and what women are. First of all we are in the Matrix. The Matrix was made by two transsexuals, m2f. So I got out of the tub. Put on a dress, it felt right. I started cleaning the tub. As I was cleaning the tub I started smelling the cleanser, the cleanliness felt right to me. And I felt good and right, cleaning the tub as a woman of the household. Then I got online, started posting here. Starting eating high quality, healthy foods, as part of my hedonism. Hedonism is what keeps me going, I must eat good meals in order to maintain my energy and zest of life. Good, quality foods I view as hedonism, I view Mcdonalds and garbage food as what I deserve, I am on disability and so I get a government check, I deserve the slop of society, prison food, I am a prisoner of america fed the lowest quality which i deserve for not having the energy to work hard.

i try to get online jobs, it makes me depressed, i fail at my job and make no sales, makes me wish i was never born. i cannot be a man and i cannot be a woman. i fail as a man and i also fail as a woman. there is nothing for me in society. the nature of women is demonic, joker demons. i watch a lot of old 50's shows. i watch the body language of women. The body language of women is like serpents, a sine wave. The man is a gorilla. I see women of the 50's on tv. When they are in heat they have raised eyebrows like the joker. They are actually scary but if you have a man's mind you cannot see it for yourself. You have to be outside the matrix to see the true nature of humanity. I watch 50's shows and I see the woman in heat for a handsome man, they have raised eyebrows like the joker and that demonic smile. they bat their eyelashes a lot. They move their necks like snakes in for the kill. They are very aggressive and predatory but as a man you cannot see it because you are stuck in the matrix, enamored by their beauty. i remember when i was on estrogen, i can relate to the feeling. when i was an estrogen female i batted my eyelashes and had a perma jokergrin like the women of the 50's. But now i see both genders are a characture of reality. women and men are both charactures, trinquites on a chess field, hyperbolic exaggerations, men lumber like gorrilas and women act like serpents. why should i aspire to be a woman or a man? i was born an angel, an evolved being beyond space and time. but when i see the wonderful demonic beauty of the woman i want it for myself, i want so much to be a beautiful and glorious woman. but i do not have a man or woman's brain. i am have the brain of teenage girl. i am a spoiled brat. i have needs. trying to ignore my hedonism is killing me. and i dont want to have the mind of an adult. it feels like the aliens of indepedence day 2, like i am a person inside of a person, the real me is a teenage girl but there is the external persona of a man, trying to ruin me.

my happiness is very low, i am a ruined and abused being. but i want no other beings to suffer like me. i cry in the tub i want to save other beings. One of the greatest lies you are ever told is that money is the root of all evil. Money is not the root of all evil, it is the root of all good. If i had money i could fix my back and have more energy to do positive things. If i had more money i could be beautiful and have people love me. If I had more money i could get a decent place to live and a car. Without money I cannot help anyone even myself, I cannot help other poor people because i cannot even pay my bills. Money is the root of all good not evil. I have no place to live and no car, cannot pay my bills. I have chronic fatigue and cannot work. But I want to be a billionaire philanthropist who helps all transsexuals. I want to have a facility of scientists and politicians to create a better world for all transsexuals who are worthy. If you been unkind to me in the past then i will not try to help you. But if you are begging and repentent then maybe i will. And i want to help all of those like me, who used to have dreams, until the world ruined them and they became monsters. So I am asking for some donations so i can become a millionaire and billionaire philanthorpist. This is not a scam. Let me explain. I am a person who gets bored easily. Lets say I was a millionaire. Why would i be satisfied with a boring, empty mansion with noone to talk to? I would get bored of that fast. I would need to become a famous philanthropist. I would need to help others. I could not tolerate living a boring selfish life for long. I would want to be on TV being a famous philanthropist and fullfilling people's dreams. i want to be sainted before i am 90. i want to be in the history books as a famous philanthropist. i will not post my ethereum address in public because it will seem like spam, so if you want to know my ethereum address, in order to donate, please send me a pm. i am dirt poor with no car and no real place to live so i could use the money. now the tub i mentioned earlier was at a friends house. i have no real place of my own.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby REM1126 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 4:13 pm

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have suffered a lot of depression too.

Does your area have public health resources that would permit you to see a psychologist? Speaking with others here, along with speaking to a psychologist helped me a lot several years ago when I was quite depressed.

Depression makes it difficult to make money or do well at a job. And, not having money is not only depressing, but also can deprive you of access to psychological help. It can seem like a catch 22, a self perpetuating spiral down to an ultimate crash.

My advice is, try to be sure to get outside for at least an hour a day. See the sun shine. Feel it on your face. Try to find some way to make the world around you better every day. Even if it is small. Put on some jeans, a casual top and some flats (or whatever seems right for cleaning) and clean your living space. Maybe even do something for someone else. If you used to like baking, bake something for someone else who is having a bad time. Be sure to avoid listening to music with negative lyrics (this was big for me). Find some music that you can tolerate listening to which has a positive, uplifting message.

And, try not to allow yourself to think negative thought. When negative thoughts come into your head, try to quickly change the subject to something positive. Or, jump up and go start to do something positive.

Also, body waxing kits aren't terribly expensive, and might improve your feelings about yourself just from a standpoint of not feeling negative about your hairy body.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby REM1126 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 4:17 pm

Personally, I like music like this. Your milage may vary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qbnsk2_F5g

Switchfoot - Dare You to Move - with Lyrics
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Demon » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:11 pm

REM1126 wrote:I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have suffered a lot of depression too.

Does your area have public health resources that would permit you to see a psychologist? Speaking with others here, along with speaking to a psychologist helped me a lot several years ago when I was quite depressed.

Depression makes it difficult to make money or do well at a job. And, not having money is not only depressing, but also can deprive you of access to psychological help. It can seem like a catch 22, a self perpetuating spiral down to an ultimate crash.

My advice is, try to be sure to get outside for at least an hour a day. See the sun shine. Feel it on your face. Try to find some way to make the world around you better every day. Even if it is small. Put on some jeans, a casual top and some flats (or whatever seems right for cleaning) and clean your living space. Maybe even do something for someone else. If you used to like baking, bake something for someone else who is having a bad time. Be sure to avoid listening to music with negative lyrics (this was big for me). Find some music that you can tolerate listening to which has a positive, uplifting message.

And, try not to allow yourself to think negative thought. When negative thoughts come into your head, try to quickly change the subject to something positive. Or, jump up and go start to do something positive.

Also, body waxing kits aren't terribly expensive, and might improve your feelings about yourself just from a standpoint of not feeling negative about your hairy body.


Not a big fan of pop psychology, most are quacks 'n frauds. I got a depressed trans friend and their psychologist said the same thing, that if they cleaned their house and all their problems would magically go away.

I know this claim is demonstrably false, because sometimes I live with parents, parents are very neat and clean, yet I feel depressed in their house.

Far as going outside goes, its below zero, not very good for my happiness.

I've been watching videos about magic power and law of attraction, its all bullshit, most of these videos were made by people of racial purity, full whites and full blacks, who are cisgender. But if you were born in the wrong body, and you are interracial, well then how are you supposed to be happy when you are a freak of nature? Let's be honest society is ran by racial purists and that's who those videos are meant for. If you are born in the wrong body and wishing to be a beautiful woman, there is no video which can magically make you happy and get a date, because you are litterally a mutant trapped in the wrong body.

Law of attraction is bs and so are those empaths videos, none of those empaths have the slightest empathy for me in the slightest, there are all rich white assholes lets be honest. Law of attraction is a myth meant to keep people in slavery and Jim Carrey is a crazy man with mental illness.

And no im not gonna wax my body that hurts like hell.

And no im not mad at you nor am i attacking you, what i am attacking is this hellhole of a world. You see i was born interracial and the world was never meant for me, what it is meant for is full whites and full blacks who never view you as one of them. And yes even saying this i am in danger of being banned and silence, you see if you are interracial you arent even allowed to complain about racism, only if you are white or black you are allowed to complain about racism, otherwise you are shunned and made into a clown and silenced or banned saying you are a troll.

And that think positive crap, all bs meant to make you a slave, revolutions were not made by thinking positive, it was made by hatred and contempt for authority, by rage and negative thoughts, do you think the American revolution would have ever happened with people thinking happy thoughts and law of attraction? No its bullshit trying to make you into a pathetic slave.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby REM1126 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:16 am

Demon wrote:Not a big fan of pop psychology, most are quacks 'n frauds. I got a depressed trans friend and their psychologist said the same thing, that if they cleaned their house and all their problems would magically go away.

I know this claim is demonstrably false, because sometimes I live with parents, parents are very neat and clean, yet I feel depressed in their house.


I didn't mean to suggest that anything magical will happen. But, you will probably feel a sense of accomplishment, and who doesn't prefer to live in a neat, clean space?

And, as for living with your parents in their tidy home, THAT can be a VERY negative experience that can be VERY depressing (depending on your relationship with your parents). I think the proper view of any such situation would require introspection and a multi varied analysis on your part.

Doing positive things makes me feel better. Feeling as though I accomplished something makes me feel better than laying around miserable in a messy place. I suppose your milage may vary. If you prefer to live in a space that isn't neat and clean, get some Chex Mix, sprinkle it on the floor and grind it in with your feet for all I care. :P

Demon wrote:Far as going outside goes, its below zero, not very good for my happiness.


You might be surprised. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/arch ... on/397172/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4204431/

It doesn't cost anything to try.

But, if you don't want to dress appropriately and go outside, make sure to take vitamin D supplements and try a tanning bed (cancer concerns me, but some people love them)? People are more prone to depression in winter because of the lack of sunlight. As a mixed race person living in the north, you are prone to vitamin D deficiency. (Even the most lily white people are vitamin D deficient in the winter.) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908269/

But, being physically active also tends to improve your mood. Perhaps you go to a gym? If not, maybe you could try that?

Demon wrote:I've been watching videos about magic power and law of attraction, its all bullshit, most of these videos were made by people of racial purity, full whites and full blacks, who are cisgender. But if you were born in the wrong body, and you are interracial, well then how are you supposed to be happy when you are a freak of nature? Let's be honest society is ran by racial purists and that's who those videos are meant for. If you are born in the wrong body and wishing to be a beautiful woman, there is no video which can magically make you happy and get a date, because you are litterally a mutant trapped in the wrong body.

Law of attraction is bs and so are those empaths videos, none of those empaths have the slightest empathy for me in the slightest, there are all rich white assholes lets be honest. Law of attraction is a myth meant to keep people in slavery and Jim Carrey is a crazy man with mental illness.


Yes, real life doesn't always mimic like sic-fi.

Demon wrote:And no im not gonna wax my body that hurts like hell.


Nair? http://www.totalbeauty.com/content/slid ... 0606/page2

Demon wrote:And no im not mad at you nor am i attacking you, what i am attacking is this hellhole of a world. You see i was born interracial and the world was never meant for me, what it is meant for is full whites and full blacks who never view you as one of them.


I am sorry you feel so isolate.

Demon wrote:And that think positive crap, all bs meant to make you a slave, revolutions were not made by thinking positive, it was made by hatred and contempt for authority, by rage and negative thoughts, do you think the American revolution would have ever happened with people thinking happy thoughts and law of attraction? No its bullshit trying to make you into a pathetic slave.


I didn't realize you were trying to start a revolution. I thought you just wanted to have a better life. ;) You could have a better life without a revolution. All you have to do is change your mind. I guess that would be a very personal revolution.

Good luck to you. I hope you feel better about things soon. <3
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:44 pm

I guess I will try to exercise and take Vitamin D.

But im not big on hair removal, I got sick of shaving and just like a dead animal refusing to fight back. I have to shave everyday and like a dead animal I lost the fight in me there is nothing I can do to stop the marching onslaught of my hair. I simply observe my dysphoria with my eyes wide open, like I am an astronaut falling through space futile to escape my own fate.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:44 pm

Also, I read the other article about Nature. Not saying it isn't right, all I am saying is that I hate nature because nature gave me this man body in the first place. So When I go Outside how can I love nature? Without humanity or mankind there would be no such thing as a sexchange, estrogen, or boob implants. With nature I would have no choice but to be stuck in my boy body fighting bears and such. So I cant just go outside and say I like nature, when nature is what cursed me in the first place. Look, I wouldn't mind having a mansion in the middle of the woods, but please let me not be all alone in the mansion and also I want jacoozi and hot tubs too.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby REM1126 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:13 pm

Demon wrote:Also, I read the other article about Nature. Not saying it isn't right, all I am saying is that I hate nature because nature gave me this man body in the first place. So When I go Outside how can I love nature? Without humanity or mankind there would be no such thing as a sexchange, estrogen, or boob implants. With nature I would have no choice but to be stuck in my boy body fighting bears and such. So I cant just go outside and say I like nature, when nature is what cursed me in the first place. Look, I wouldn't mind having a mansion in the middle of the woods, but please let me not be all alone in the mansion and also I want jacoozi and hot tubs too.


Nature is beautiful (to me). And, it is bizarre. There are animals that nature sometimes changes the sex of during their lifetime: wrasses, moray eels, gobies and other fish species are known to change sex, including reproductive functions. A school of clownfish is always built into a hierarchy with a female fish at the top. When she dies, the most dominant male changes sex and takes her place.

look at this: https://blog.nationalgeographic.org/201 ... g-animals/

"Hawkfish in the wild have been shown to be capable of “bi-directional” sex change, going from female to male and back again."

You are part of this gene pool. I understand your pain, because I share it. I don't find my situation fun, but it has certainly made me aware of a lot of things I would never have thought of, and things I would have not imagined to be true. I think you need to find some happiness in life. As far as I know, this is the only one you get. Don't waste the whole thing being miserable.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Demon » Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:44 pm

REM1126 wrote:
Demon wrote:Also, I read the other article about Nature. Not saying it isn't right, all I am saying is that I hate nature because nature gave me this man body in the first place. So When I go Outside how can I love nature? Without humanity or mankind there would be no such thing as a sexchange, estrogen, or boob implants. With nature I would have no choice but to be stuck in my boy body fighting bears and such. So I cant just go outside and say I like nature, when nature is what cursed me in the first place. Look, I wouldn't mind having a mansion in the middle of the woods, but please let me not be all alone in the mansion and also I want jacoozi and hot tubs too.


Nature is beautiful (to me). And, it is bizarre. There are animals that nature sometimes changes the sex of during their lifetime: wrasses, moray eels, gobies and other fish species are known to change sex, including reproductive functions. A school of clownfish is always built into a hierarchy with a female fish at the top. When she dies, the most dominant male changes sex and takes her place.

look at this: https://blog.nationalgeographic.org/201 ... g-animals/

"Hawkfish in the wild have been shown to be capable of “bi-directional” sex change, going from female to male and back again."

You are part of this gene pool. I understand your pain, because I share it. I don't find my situation fun, but it has certainly made me aware of a lot of things I would never have thought of, and things I would have not imagined to be true. I think you need to find some happiness in life. As far as I know, this is the only one you get. Don't waste the whole thing being miserable.


not my fault im miserable, its nature's fault. nature made this hellhole of a world. in fact i havent even gotten 1 valentines day card my whole life.

and clownfish getting sex changes doesnt make me feel better, why has nature not given sexchanges to actual humans or human clowns? im not a clown fish im a human being.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby REM1126 » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:33 pm

Demon wrote: i havent even gotten 1 valentines day card my whole life.


Maybe people are put off by your negative attitude and hating life? I mean, if you actively WANT to feel bad, go ahead.

If you are tired of feeling miserable, change. What you are doping doesn't seem to be working. I suggest you change your way of looking at things.
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Re: don't know what to call this thread.

Postby Bea » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:39 pm

REM1126 wrote:
Demon wrote: i havent even gotten 1 valentines day card my whole life.


Maybe people are put off by your negative attitude and hating life? I mean, if you actively WANT to feel bad, go ahead.

If you are tired of feeling miserable, change. What you are doping doesn't seem to be working. I suggest you change your way of looking at things.


This advice has been offered to this demon countless times, but it would involve personal responsibility and honest effort, and so it has gone unheeded.
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