I might be finally understanding it all

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I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:04 pm

I'm posting this in 'Transition' because, well it is about my transition process.

Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

My body predates my existence. It is from 1962.

I had someone in my head prior to my getting here. Yes, that sounds kinda odd. I recognize that. But as I have no respect for the babble of psychiatry, spare me their take on it.

That other person was a fake male, a facade. Bogus. A lie. He, of course, didn't know it. His problem, not mine.
There's no love lost between us. I did my best to kill him, literally. But hey, I needed the body for later, so it made killing him a real problem.

So, yeah, I didn't 'know' I was transgender say back in 1967 or so. Too bad. But, then again, it was 67. Not like being transgender was a treat then. So, maybe, just as well I missed 1967 and 77 and 87 and 97 and 2007...

Today is ok to be transgender, fortunately. But, I'm still dealing with being a 5 year old.
No, I'm not friggin role-playing, it's not an 'act'. I actually have 5 years of experiences, and 5 years of accumulated wisdom. I mean, yeah, I sound kinda smart. And some days it really throws me off too.

I'm now post-op. I'm thrilled. Of course, I'm thrilled. I'm still enjoying the rush of 'newness' from hormone therapy. No idea how long that lasts. It's not bothering me.
What IS bothering me, is I'm doing it predominantly alone.
5-year-olds rarely live on their own to the best of my knowledge.
Some days, I'd almost like to just tell my therapist, yes, sign me up for a trustee, take away my financial freedom, make me actually have to suffer from adult supervision. I'm still pondering the idea actually. And after this month, maybe I DO need to do it. And it would suck, and I would be unable to buy Barbies at 4 in the morning on Amazon, and I'd likely throw tantrums periodically....

And I have this wonderful new body, and it can finally do certain 'things'. And I am unsure I even understand why I want to. And most 5-year-olds don't even need to learn about sex. I'm technically a virgin. And I'm as obsessed with men as I am scared of them. And I sure came close a couple of times to likely reeeeeally bad ideas.

Why exactly do I want a man? I really can't answer that.
Are they just life-size Ken dolls?
Do I just want to play house?
That's normal for 5-year-old girls isn't it?

I'm going to be 6 next March 26th. Yippee, my teddy bear says I can stay up until 7:30 then. Yeah, currently I am commonly in bed by 7. Not much point to being up late, not missing out on anything eh. Anything I might do after 7, I could have been doing all day long. And it gets tiring playing all day long. I'm actually tired by 7. My teddy bear Frank usually doesn't have to badger me to go to bed. Sometimes I beg for a bit more reading of my book.

It hasn't been easy navigating being 5. it sure has made my transition troublesome. Back when I was 3, oh I so wasn't telling anyone I was 3. They don't give GRS to loonies. I was sure they'd have said I was nuts. But, I'm safe from the shrinks now, they can't deny me GRS. Too late neener neener neener.
Still, it wasn't fun finally telling people about who I really truly am in here.
I've had more people outright deny my being 5 than my being female.
I've had supposed transgender friendly professionals reduce me to tears telling me I wasn't really me.

It makes it impossible to find proper support groups. I don't want to be among adults, I don't understand them and they think I'm weird. They think I shouldn't be around youths let alone children. I've met transgender kids at PFLAG meetings and, they're the only people I understand when they talk. I sat in on a youth group once after being invited by the facilitator. But I couldn't really relate to them, and later the adult said I didn't really belong. I told her to not feel bad, as I felt I was too young regardless of who thought I was too old. it wasn't material to tell me I couldn't stay, I didn't want to.

I have information in my head thanks to the previous occupant, and often, the information 'bothers' me.
Too much of it is too daunting for me. I feel like a circuit running too much current.

I have had to grudgingly to let the tiny sliver of me that is adult, try her best to find a man. Frankly, the rest of us, while sympathetic to her needs, kinda don't really care if she never finds someone. But, a few weeks ago, she said she would rather die than stop looking. And even though she had lost the vote, we all ended up worrying about her. So we ended the campaign to quit looking for men. Now I have to tell the therapist all the plans for 2018 have to be rewritten eh.

The 'plan' was to just dedicate all our efforts to focusing on playing.
Oh well.
I still get to play a lot. But, we still end up wasting too much time on dating sites.
What a genuine waste of good play time.

I'm wondering, does any of my situation sound similar to anyone else out there? I have been told there is someone known to a local that lives in Northbay north of me that is the same as me, as in a 5-year-old inside of a transgender female adult body. I haven't met them yet though.

I feel like a freak and unusual weird variation of transgender. It's no fun, to be honest.
I'd rather be expecting to start going to school. So not going to happen though. There is NO way any parent wants me in grade 1 with their kids. Too bad. His experiences of school sucked. He was lousy in school. Never did his homework. Never graduated high school either. I enjoyed shop classes though. I like making things. I'd love to do home economics again. I might even pay attention in French class this time.

I have no preteen experiences, no school life background worth mention. I have so many social gaps in my knowledge base. I never got to learn about boys in the usual way. I wish I had a father present 'telling' me, "YOU are NOT going out with that guy young lady".

I am unsure when or how any of this is going to get mastered by me and how soon.
Will I get to be 'mature' when I'm 7?
How long does it take to feel closer to my body's supposed age?
In 10 years I'll be called a senior citizen, and yet, I'll still be in my mid-teens.

I live alone, so I am discovering all of this alone. I have a few friends I chum with. It's not the same as having a parent around. My mom is 84 and she just isn't up to doing motherhood over again for me.

2018 has a lot of promise, but, I'm still sorting out being a girl in so many ways. And I'm kinda just hoping my romance novels are a good source of inspiration.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Kay » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:42 am

I will be 14 on March 30, 2018. :mrgreen: :wink:
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Demon » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:53 am

Persons are a myth, a facade. There is no such thing as persons, or genders, only feelings, and frequencies. The voices in your head are the voices of an echo chamber.

there are many persons in my head. some say i have schizophrenia. the man tells me that noone loves me, nothing will work out, and that he is "telling me the truth". he tells me noone will save me, that i am doomed, noone owes me anything. he tells me how worthless of a person i am.

i cry out, in a female voice, please please, please. like mark hamill did in starwars 5, only i sound more like a girl than he did.
i cry out for mercy, but the man scoffs, laughs at me.

next thing you know the man and woman are merged together, as an androgenous, sensitive voice. but is the voice really me. or am i just hearing someone else's thoughts. i think the real me is the girl crying out for mercy, but never getting any. and i must soldier up, man up, and face the bitter reality of these wasteland worlds.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Demon » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:58 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:I'm posting this in 'Transition' because, well it is about my transition process.

Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

You are not 5 years old. You were a woman trapped inside a man's body long before that. You were around for a long time. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:46 pm

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

You are not 5 years old. You were a woman trapped inside a man's body long before that. You were around for a long time. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know. ( italics mine )


Welcome back, demon girl !

Although their " age " has been the subject of some debate here on these boards, with realistic ones pointing out the obvious, they have been alive, in whatever form, long enough for the Earth to have circled the Sun for 55 times .
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Demon » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:53 pm

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:
Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

You are not 5 years old. You were a woman trapped inside a man's body long before that. You were around for a long time. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know. ( italics mine )


Welcome back, demon girl !

Although their " age " has been the subject of some debate here on these boards, with realistic ones pointing out the obvious, they have been alive, in whatever form, long enough for the Earth to have circled the Sun for 55 times .


hello there angel woman.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:21 pm

Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:I'm posting this in 'Transition' because, well it is about my transition process.

Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

You are not 5 years old. You were a woman trapped inside a man's body long before that. You were around for a long time. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know.


You are mistaken, but, being mistaken seems to be something of a thing for you.

I've seen enough of your posts, that whatever is bugging, isn't just one thing. You have quite the list of problems. And I can't help you. But you don't appear to be seeking help, so that sort of makes it simple for everyone here.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Location: Lindsay Ontario Canada

Re: I might be finally understanding it all

Postby Demon » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:49 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:
Demon wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:I'm posting this in 'Transition' because, well it is about my transition process.

Ok, I'm 5 years old. Clarification, I didn't exist prior to 2012. Hence I am 5 years old.

You are not 5 years old. You were a woman trapped inside a man's body long before that. You were around for a long time. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't really know.


You are mistaken, but, being mistaken seems to be something of a thing for you.

I've seen enough of your posts, that whatever is bugging, isn't just one thing. You have quite the list of problems. And I can't help you. But you don't appear to be seeking help, so that sort of makes it simple for everyone here.


I think it is you who is mistaken...about a great many things.

Re-read your original post a few times, then my post...then tell me what you think...give it a few days and think on it...
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