The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

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The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:17 pm

Hi Guys,
I thought it might be fun to have a chronicle of what's floating through my head as I tumble towards what I hope will be the final stages of my physical transition. I specify the "physical" because I think that the psychological and social transition will go on till I shake this mortal coil.......oooooh, I just love pretentious, flowery prose. :D
Soooooo... I thought I'd begin with a bit of a Bio, and I mean the abridged version so as not to put anyone to sleep.
I was born a poor black child in....wait, that's from a movie, that's not me. Let's start over. I was born in 1958 and raised a privileged white male in in the OC, before it was the OC. A lovely suburb of Los Angeles replete with Orange and Avocado groves and Disneyland and very prurient and very mid western values. Nothing like what it has become today.. If you've been there lately, well, I wasn't raised there.
It was a great place to grow up during that period of time. Something was amiss in paradise though. I figured it out at about 5. I was issued the wrong parts at birth. Now I had no idea that was the actual case till later, but I certainly knew something wasn't quite right. This of course, was a time before what I'll refer to as the Tranny Enlightenment, so there were no epiphanies, no elucidation, no info of any kind to be had. I was in a Helen Keller world feeling my way along trying to internalize what was happening to me and why I was who I was. So yadda....yadda...yadda, crossdressed, yadda...yadda, self loathing, yadda, discover my true self...yadda...life of torture....yadda...yadda...came out to Wife at age 57, .....yadda...yadda and now, here I am. I'm not trying to be glib or smart alecky. I'd love to see myself as some individual snowflake, but my story pretty much falls into a tried and true trannsexual awakening construct replete with a life of consternation, heavy drinking and drugging finally leading me to a new awareness and opportunity to live an authentic life. So I thought I would spare everyone the incidentals. Everyone still awake? Good on you if you are. To begin....
I have been on HRT for 16 months now. I've been through the requisite therapy, gotten FFS in an attempt to wipe out a lifetime of testosterone poisoning with hopeful but mixed results, incurred a butt-load of Electrolysis to rid myself of my Scottish genetics leaning to the hirsute and finally, finding solace in the soul searching and paradigm shifts that comes with living in a gender that I previously was relegated to merely envy.
It has been an amazing journey. I'm so excited to be here now. Here, by the way is 4 months away from my scheduled SRS and BA in Thailand in an effort try and finally slay this dragon that's known to anyone in this life as "dysphoria".
This little Diary/Blog will be my way of staying in touch with myself. Gut checks and reality checks are my hope as well as a chronicling later of what was on my mind. Opinions from others are totally welcome and the sole reason I'm doing this in a public forum. So here I go, I hope to interject something of value to myself every day. And please, if anyone with more experience or just notes of caution or even a simple nudge, has anything to offer that might help me avoid pitfalls or sees me going off the rails, fer' crying out loud, please,just tell me. I'm thick skinned, introspective and open to any constructive criticism. Hell, I'm good with non-constructive criticism. Just save the snark please.
So here I go! I'll post more soon about what I'm feeling and where my head is at on all this stuff. It's swimming in a world of different emotions and I hope this helps me wrestle some of them into submission. Till then, be well my Sisters and Brothers and thanks for reading! Jessica
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sat Sep 30, 2017 3:16 pm

Start prowling for sales on things like feminine hygiene products.

Pantie liners are cheap and volume friendly, but in my 4 months since GRS, I conclude actual pads will serve you better. You don't need anything more than a modest pad, but, the daily experience for me is only a pad will save you from panties always ending up damp from what a panty liner won't absorb.

No really, if you have 20 or 30 packs of 20-30 pads of an economical brand, that's only a start :)

Find a nice supply of medical grade lube, and buy a shit load.

Trust me on this :)

Dilating is messy, go to a dollar store and find some cheap terrycloth hand towels, about a dozen. when dilating, sit on these, and just rinse them off in the shower after you are done. They clean up fine, and you can hang them up to dry in the bathroom and you won't need to worry about needing costly pads for this.

Find a nice source of antibacterial dish soap to clean your dilators.

Of all of my journey, the only hard part has been affording the post-surgery supplies.
Make sure your panties are all proper in design for pads. You're going to be wearing pads all day every day for a long while.
Just trying to cope.
email is sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 4:04 pm

Thanks Lesley! I appreciate all those helpful hints. It's certainly something I hadn't considered and will help me be better prepared. It was very kind of you to post! Jess
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:02 pm

Hi Jessica,

I wish you so very well on the final part of your journey! I'm going to follow your blog coz I know you are a nice person from everything you have written. I'm always going to live without SRS, I like being special. I admire you for going the whole hog if it's right for you. Good for you hun, we are all different. Best wishes Celia xx (PS....and there was I calling you Jen!)
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:25 pm

This will sound weird of course, but I'm dealing with it myself actually.

3 years or more of depression, anxiety, fear, and worry that something will happen, something will prevent GRS.

Then I'm laying in bed groaning, ice packs in my panties, aching from breast augmentation and laughing to myself "I'm all woman now, it finally happened, ouch that hurts".

And now, I'm feeling stressed out over a weird sensation. I'm unsure, it might be 'happiness" but I'm unsure. I forgot what 'happy' felt like. I seem weirdly 'uncomfortable'. Because I can't relate to the sensation. Is it happiness and it's just so long that I felt it that it confuses me :)

I have also experienced euphoria since GRS. I spent most of August strangely giddy.
Just trying to cope.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:36 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:Hi Jessica,

I wish you so very well on the final part of your journey! I'm going to follow your blog coz I know you are a nice person from everything you have written. I'm always going to live without SRS, I like being special. I admire you for going the whole hog if it's right for you. Good for you hun, we are all different. Best wishes Celia xx (PS....and there was I calling you Jen!)


Thanks C! The world needs Unicorns too, girl. You do you. :wink:

and there was I calling you Jen!


Jessica Lynne taylor Jentay
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:41 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:This will sound weird of course, but I'm dealing with it myself actually.

3 years or more of depression, anxiety, fear, and worry that something will happen, something will prevent GRS.

Then I'm laying in bed groaning, ice packs in my panties, aching from breast augmentation and laughing to myself "I'm all woman now, it finally happened, ouch that hurts".

And now, I'm feeling stressed out over a weird sensation. I'm unsure, it might be 'happiness" but I'm unsure. I forgot what 'happy' felt like. I seem weirdly 'uncomfortable'. Because I can't relate to the sensation. Is it happiness and it's just so long that I felt it that it confuses me :)

I have also experienced euphoria since GRS. I spent most of August strangely giddy.



Thank you, Sweetie, I appreciate your insights
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 12:18 pm

So I'm on a buttload of Estrogen. I happen to inject the stuff and presently take 5 mg. of Depo-Estradiol every 3.5 days. Previous to this and for the last 13 months I took half that dosage and saw some pretty nominal results. The majority of my feminization has come from 160 painful hours of electrolysis and a massive amount of FFS with Dr. Mark Zukowski in Illinois. So you can count me amongst the disenchanted regarding present TS hormone protocols used by most Endocrinologist's. Particularly in the case of my 59 year old ass that is possibly sporting about a thimble full of HGH. As most of us know, as you get older, without HGH you get shit results from HRT. I've seen tons of delusional women armed with hope and rose colored glasses that try and convince themselves that hormones are accomplishing their goals, but as I pointed out, it's usually mechanical and not biological changes they are receiving. So armed with tons of anecdotal studies about the efficacy of higher dosages for women of my advanced decrepitude I've gotten her to finally get on board and use me as her test monkey. Did I mention I'm on a butt-load of E? Okay, so none of this would matter except for the fact that I'm finally seeing some meaningful differences. Softer skin, the beginning of fat redistribution, better moods with more serenity as well as the titty fairy finally making a showing. So I'm a happy girl. It will be interesting to see how things shape up as I've literally only been on this new program for about six weeks. But my oh my, the changes have been so encouraging.
Marching towards my Feb. 9th D-Day (It's about D-amn time Day for my GCS, I look forward to things in my head and parts on my body being more congruent with what I need to function in this world and hopefully in a state of bliss. Thanks for listening to my rambling to those that are doing so...more soon.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Oct 01, 2017 5:31 pm

My experience of estrogen and new boobs is it is more about internal rebuilding and not as much about size.

The first 2 years, my breasts ached. They weren't getting bigger so much as they were changing. I have no problem with the notion if life made me pregnant, they would be able to breastfeed.

They weren't so much getting bigger as they were getting better.

I wasn't able to sleep on them until recently.

They're going to be sore regardless of what they are doing.
Just trying to cope.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 11:59 am

Well, here I am with a bit of a quandary on my delicate girl like hands....lol. I have the option of getting a BA while I'm in lovely Thailand and making my GCS a one stop shop. The up sides on the old Franklin list is that I get it done while under anesthesia for the GCS and it gets done for 4000 dollars. That's pretty alluring when you consider I'll be done with the physical side of transitioning and won't have to deal with the dangers of being put under more than once. Unfortunately, all is not perfect. The downside is that soon after my return, I am going to need to move and though I'll be doing no heavy lifting, we all know loading boxes of clothes and bric-a-brac is our job and not the movers. Add to that I have a huge amount of crap :o .
So I'm at a crossroads. It seems like it might be more prudent to wait on the BA and have it done after the move and settling in. Doing it here in the States though, will cost me 3000 additional dollars. So I thought I would ask my sage friends here at TG Boards what they thought and which way they would go. It truly has me wondering which way to turn?
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Kay » Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:19 am

jentay1367 wrote:Particularly in the case of my 59 year old ass that is possibly sporting about a thimble full of HGH. As most of us know, as you get older, without HGH you get shit results from HRT.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormonal_ ... nhancement

"In women with Laron syndrome, where the growth hormone receptor (GHR) is defective and insensitive to GH and serum IGF-1 levels are very low, puberty, including breast development, is delayed, although full sexual maturity is always eventually reached.[27] Moreover, breast development and size are normal (albeit delayed) in spite of GH/IGF-1 axis insufficiency"

"An animal model of Laron syndrome, the GHR knockout mouse, shows severely impaired ductal outgrowth at 11 weeks of age.[29][30][31] However, by 15 weeks, ductal development has caught up with that of normal mice and the ducts have fully distributed throughout the mammary fat pad, although the ducts remain narrower than those of wild-type mice.[29][30][31]"

This suggests there is more than just HGH.

Did I mention I'm on a butt-load of E? Okay, so none of this would matter except for the fact that I'm finally seeing some meaningful differences. Softer skin, the beginning of fat redistribution, better moods with more serenity as well as the titty fairy finally making a showing. So I'm a happy girl. It will be interesting to see how things shape up as I've literally only been on this new program for about six weeks. But my oh my, the changes have been so encouraging.


There you go! I think many doctors are UNDERTREATING their patients and their fear of higher doses is not justified scientifically. Maybe wait a little before BA as you might end up with decent breast growth on just hormones? You save some money and get to incur less pain. :)
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 2:44 pm

Thanks Kay. I always appreciate your insights. Always. And thanks for the suggestions. I will consider them carefully. With the renewed breast growth, I really am looking at taking acwatch and see approach :)
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Oct 09, 2017 6:55 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:...I'm always going to live without SRS, I like being special....

I too will live the rest of my life with my boy stuff hanging there (although I would like to get rid of the boys).

I have had two wonderful therapists who helped me find Miki and her true self. My current therapist (S) knows that when I show up dressed in braless (I am a size A) a pair of clogs, NYDJ jeans, a tee-shirt and MAYBE some light makeup that a woman is sitting in the chair.

It is sometimes tiring to talk about this gender spectrum that we all live on. But it is true that once we find out who we are, we can then get on with our lives as this found person - how ever that person wants to present her/himself as.

I have found Miki. Jess has found Jess, Celia has found Celia and Susan has found Susan, and...we have or will become who we are - and that is good, so very good.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 7:03 pm

MikiSJ wrote:I have found Miki. Jess has found Jess, Celia has found Celia and Susan has found Susan, and...we have or will become who we are - and that is good, so very good.



Yes...it is. And so wonderful to have the opportunity to know you guys! :thumb:
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 5:45 pm

So I wake up this morning with my head in a muddy ditch, metaphorically speaking of course. But I felt like crap. You know the days. The ones where upon waking you you feel like an imposter, there's a man staring back at you in the mirror and like everything you do is for nothing and you're not actualizing in any way. Now back in the day... when I woke to this, I'd start chain smoking and have a 3 Bloody Mary breakfast. But I don't smoke any more and getting drunk actually makes me feel like shit, so neither one of those old cures was an option. It's 9 hours later now and I have to say, I simply don't feel too much better. These days, the ones I dread that come and hit me like a hammer, these days are brutal. "Dysphoric" does nothing to give voice to how I feel. Every time it happens, I tell myself it will be the last and I'll be at the top of the mountain soon to enjoy the downhill ride to the other side where safety is at hand and doubt will be banished and something reserved for trivial matters, not my "path" or right to a presence on the planet. But I realize these days that that's not going to happen and that this doubt and dysphoria may be with me till the end of days. How to deal with it is my new quest. No longer will I delusion myself to believe it won't resurface. How to deal with it? How,to, deal, with, it? I hope I can find a path that isn't more destructive than the pain I experience from it. In the meantime, tomorrow is another day, isn't it. Perhaps I'll awaken to a better attitude and some hope that isn't dashed by my ever resurfacing Id. I certainly hope so. I also hope that after this surgery that I've scheduled that I revisit these feelings less often. I hope so. Because after the hormones have done all they'll do and the surgeries have all been performed, after my face has been rearranged, after the voice training and the subtleties of presenting female have all been exploited, my hope of all my tomorrow's being better because I just need that last nip, tuck, srs, BA and whatever else I use as a crutch to know myself, doesn't kill the sadness of that feeling of inadequacy and and the sham of being an imposter, I worry I'll never know what will? But I live in hope. I'm a hopeful person and tomorrow's another day. It's what I grasp for now. When my bag of tricks of physical magic is exhausted, what will I grab at when the monster still rears its head? My biggest fear is there will be no way to slay the dragon. It is a terrifying thought.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby VegasJen » Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:12 am

Just a quick comment on the BA issue. If you think you need, or just want, BA, do it at the same time. The fact is, by the time your lower body is ready to lift, turn and walk, your boobs will feel fine. I would be cautious of how soon after your surgery you're talking about moving. You should not, and will not want, to be lifting and moving a bunch of stuff for at least the first 5-6 weeks. Even after that, no strenuous exercise for probably 8-10 weeks post op.
I had my BA about two weeks after bottom surgery and my boobs were fine several weeks before I was physically able to resume totally normal activities.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 11:34 am

Thanks Jen, I appreciate the advice. My concern about having the BA simultaneously is that PAI, which is where I'm having the SRS has a maximum size of 550cc implants. A plastic surgeon in Chicago has recommended 650 cc implants. So I'm dealing with that little quandary. I'd absolutely like to do it all in one shot. I don't like the idea of multiple anesthesia's. But if I do it at PAI, it's a 4000 dollars proposition and if I do it in Chicago, it's more like 7000 dollars. I may be forced to move, maybe not, it's a logistics issue on whether the variable of my house selling happens....or not. If I don't have the BA, it makes healing and moving much less problematic. So it's wait for what I really want, or push it up and do it all at once and save money and the pain of a second recovery. I really hope the answer comes to me with some clarity.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby VegasJen » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:48 pm

Be careful there. I would have loved to gone bigger but my surgeon wouldn't do it. I didn't have enough breast at the time and he warned me that, 1) he simply couldn't fit anything larger (500cc) in the tissue available and 2) anything larger and I run the risk of separating the skin from the sternum. If that happened then there would be a permanent flap of skin essentially "floating" between the two implants. Of course, I don't know how much breast tissue you have and that's a factor. At the time of my BA I was a large A or small B cup. 2.5 years of hormones and I had shit to show for it. :x
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:39 pm

Hmmmm'...that's food for thought. I'm somewhere between a AA and an A. The titty fairy missed my house as well. My Mom was Skinny but all the other women in my family were rather buxom. My sister has large breasts but she's also a bit overweight and has three kids. Well that's something else to think about, thanks Jen. I really appreciate it as I'm hoping to go under muscle.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:13 pm

jentay1367 wrote: ...When my bag of tricks of physical magic is exhausted, what will I grab at when the monster still rears its head? My biggest fear is there will be no way to slay the dragon. It is a terrifying thought.


Maybe- Try making friends with the dragon instead. I hope you are feeling better.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 9:49 pm

Mom2TranAdult wrote:
jentay1367 wrote: ...When my bag of tricks of physical magic is exhausted, what will I grab at when the monster still rears its head? My biggest fear is there will be no way to slay the dragon. It is a terrifying thought.


Maybe- Try making friends with the dragon instead. I hope you are feeling better.


Not quite sure how to make friends with that which leaves me so cripplyingly paralyzed, but I do thank you for your well wishes.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:16 pm

I really do hope you are feeling better. :)

Sometimes you can make friends with deep sadness ... by just letting it visit for a bit without also invitng shame judgment, and anger. It tends to not last as long that way. Maybe something you haven’t tied yet, that’s all.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby DawnF » Sat Oct 14, 2017 9:18 am

jentay1367 wrote: So here I go! I'll post more soon about what I'm feeling and where my head is at on all this stuff. It's swimming in a world of different emotions and I hope this helps me wrestle some of them into submission. Till then, be well my Sisters and Brothers and thanks for reading! Jessica


Thanks for sharing, and wishing you the very best!!
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Sat Oct 14, 2017 3:26 pm

Thanks Dawn! Having a better day today. This waiting thing is hard but at least there's an end game involved now. Unfortunately, now that there's a static date to think about, time has taken a nose dive and is crawling along. I'm anxious but at the same time don't want to wish my life away. Anyways, enjoying the peaceful space in my head today as "he" hasn't bothered me.
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Kay » Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:08 am

I'm 12 yrs post-op, pass 100% of the time, also on the phone because my voice passes too. I've been approached by several guys all throughout my transition, been whistled at, given numerous compliments, even by women BUT even now, there are days when I still see HIM in the mirror so it's something we must live with because our mind works that way, it latches on to old images we have. I also can get paranoid about my voice and my anxiety over it never leaves me completely. No surgery will ever help with this, it is far from perfect and will only raise pitch meanwhile resonance (and self-confidence) are KEY.

The silver lining is, WE GET TO FINALLY BE OURSELVES, the more we get out there, spend time with people who only know us as the women we are, the more we start seeing ourselves as who we truly are AND a little testosterone can actually help, as I'VE found out LOL so maybe not let those levels drop too low (?)...also when u really feel dysphoric, take some progesterone orally...or Xanax, that will do the trick for a few hours, make you feel good and help you see what the entire world sees too...A WOMAN!
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby jentay1367 » Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:13 am

Ahhhhhhhh......Kay!!!!!! My Guru! As always, thank you for your valuable input. Any clue where I can get the progesterone you speak of without a script?
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Re: The end of physical transitioning. A Diary.

Postby Kay » Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:16 am

Inhouse...Allchemist? Those online pharmacies or ask your doctor.
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