Where is home anymore?

Share your most memorable experiences

Where is home anymore?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:55 pm

Sometimes we have no idea where or how we will end up. I am over 3000 miles from where I started this journey now in a romantic relationship with a man I met geeking out over Tolkien. Now living alone for the first time in my life, this sacred girl has been slowly moving ever father out and connecting for the first time in a long time. Walking a busy Tacoma street as myself by myself to get help from an amazing stylist, thrifting with new friends in a busy store and getting correctly gendered for the first time by the staff without me ever introducing myself. Have I been nervous oh hell ya.. but the girls with me kept me distracted and there long enough to get a blister on my toes from all the walking in my heels looking at clothes in that huge store. And the Thai food they treated me to after for driving them around town was wonderful! And oh goodness my boyfriend... *fawn*

So I thought I knew where my home was as I clung to what I knew. An identity that people would embrace, a sexuality nobody would question, and the family life everyone expected. But as that artifice fell and some of it was torn from me I was left bare and questioning everything. I thought I had nothing and was nothing. But really home and family are where you make it. And for once when I look in the mirror I finally see my imperfect self, she has a great smile and expressive eyes. She hates fussing with makeup, likes wearing too much black, and feels more alive, more passion, more love than she has any right to have. And this isn't even giddy me right after a E shot.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby Lesley Niyori » Tue Oct 03, 2017 6:38 am

I can relate.

I have lived in Quebec, and Ontario, and mostly in Lindsay, in the old family home, and for a time in Toronto when first married, and then 5 apartments in town until poof it was suddenly over, separated, eventually to be divorced and then 'he' was gone too.

Today, I live in this nice apartment. I actually think I like this place more than any other place I have ever lived. I'm a princess, and how about that, I even live in a tower :) Ok it's really just an attic apartment level 3 flights of stairs up. You know, peaked ceilings and mostly 4 foot high walls.

It's home, and I have turfed all of 'his' crap. It's now a girlie looking apartment. China dolls and teddy bears and makeup and accessories. Ok, there are also models of tanks :) But I have a tablecloth on my dining table and pictures of Sailor Moon on the wall as well as on my entertainment stand I have my Sailor Moon collectibles. It's clear a woman lives here, even if she is a bit nonstandard hehe.

There's no real connection to his past. I cut the links. My life, it feels like it has always been here. And really, it has, aside from those horrible moments I was still stuck with him the 2 years before the separation.

Now, my thoughts are mainly, this is my home, and if I find Mr. Right, hmm I wonder where he might take me. I ponder things like, I hope he doesn't take up more than his half of the bed. And what will it be like sharing space with a man?
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue Oct 03, 2017 11:46 am

Thanks for sharing! I find myself in a strange place style wise. Pulled to punk/goth/strega like the angsty teen girl I never dared to show or be. And austere interior with framed reproductions of famous art on the walls and clean simple lines. I plan to buy some heavy gauge aluminum wire and twist and form it into a large metal tree above the fireplace to hang all the art and letters my boyfriend and others have given me. Because so many people have helped give me the light I needed to grow. And remembering those flowers in my heart is a touchstone when I feel cold and alone.

Edit: Sorry about that I was replying on my phone and just wanted to get the idea and reply out.. "real art" bleh.. its all real.. dumb statement is dumb... :oops:
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby BK199 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:33 am

I have been a drifter , a refugee, a pioneer, and now a transient.

you can never go home again
home is where the heart is home is where i hang my hat

for me now home i s the wilderness. forest, mountains, or desert, ect. where I am at one with nature and myself. it s the best home i
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby BK199 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:35 am

tips: clean the floor and walls by hand once

spend time in nature

consider adopting a needy pet ;)
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:36 pm

I am glad you are comfortable with that life. I confess the thought of living without a fixed address terrifies me.

As to pets I wish. I could my apartment has rules for such things. And my son is very allergic to cat and some dog dander. It's just not worth the risk. No matter how much I may miss having a lap cat.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:43 am

Ashley@Heart wrote: And my son is very allergic to cat and some dog dander. It's just not worth the risk. No matter how much I may miss having a lap cat.


I though that you were living with The Man of Your Dreams, doing the 'Happly Everafterward' and the 'Not a Care in the World', in the Pacific Northwest, Carolyn. That is why you moved so far away. Am I wrong about that ?
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:16 am

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:I though that you were living with The Man of Your Dreams, doing the 'Happly Everafterward' and the 'Not a Care in the World', in the Pacific Northwest, Carolyn. That is why you moved so far away. Am I wrong about that ?


Hahaha.. Liam is an amazing and wonderful man. And I would love for him to move in with me. But he is a stubborn and independant mountain boy (oh goodness he loves the thought of having a huge beard). And even though he is struggling to find a good job in his field. (Not the underpaid freelance artist he currently is) He will not accept that level of help from me. I mean yesterday I put my foot down on his shenanigans after he came to me with a very uneven haircut he did on himself. I refuse to let my boyfriend who is looking for a job look like that.

And no I didn't move to Washington just to be with Liam. I moved to be closer my kids AND be close to Liam. It also happens to work out that now I work 100% remotely which means that I can dress however I please. Which has been a freedom I have never had before and am now working on the confidence to assert my identity.

So yeah my time in Washington has been filled with change. And the hormones and the physcal changes that I so desperately craved when I came to this forum over a year ago. They are just a piece of a much larger puzzle that finally is coming together. (Though oh goodness finally getting to the point where my breasts don't just hurt all the time is nice. Yeah, still sensitive and itchy but in experienced hands.. I am pudding. :oops: )
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby BK199 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:35 am

Ashley@Heart wrote:I am glad you are comfortable with that life. I confess the thought of living without a fixed address terrifies me.

As to pets I wish. I could my apartment has rules for such things. And my son is very allergic to cat and some dog dander. It's just not worth the risk. No matter how much I may miss having a lap cat.




i never said i was comfortable with it. i'm disabled and broke. one of many

i hear tutrles make good pets in apartments, and fish tend to always get through the rules. maybe the shelter has a hampster who needs home
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Re: Where is home anymore?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:37 pm

BK199 wrote:i never said i was comfortable with it. i'm disabled and broke. one of many

I am sorry to hear that I misinterpreted your earlier message to mean you at some level enjoyed the freedom of that life.

BK199 wrote:i hear tutrles make good pets in apartments, and fish tend to always get through the rules. maybe the shelter has a hampster who needs home


They got rules for everything here. Including fish. My desire for fish is very low, I met my ex over fishkeeping and to be honest I really don't need that reminder. I have never enjoyed most reptiles, snakes, rats, bugs etc. As a kid I used to raise cute fuzzy albino hamsters. No idea why beyond the sheer cuteness.. I have always liked growing plants and raising animals. But I have always been a cat person having a sweet loving lap cat again would be really nice about now I just hate having to say goodbye I have had to be the one to handle that deed. So no what I need more than a cat is more people. Yes this introvert is finally trying to leave her shell.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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