A sweet moment

Share your most memorable experiences

A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Nov 13, 2017 2:09 am

Me and Liam went to Toys R Us Saturday night. The reason... I on a whim decided I wanted a soft and very huggable cute stuffed animal. (Partly to feed the little girl in me that always wanted a bed covered in soft animals but never could, but mostly for those days when I am alone and need to hug something because between my son's allergies and my apartment's fees having a real lovey animal is not ideal.) Here I am a little nervous in comfortable clothes, searching for this. But also being a goof enjoying nostalgia with Liam. As I was focused on if I wanted a almost acceptable purple unicorn with a rainbow mane. Liam overhears a little girl talk to her dad about me.

Little Girl: She is so tall I want to grow up like her.
Father: You can if you eat good and work real hard.


As we walk away unicornless, Liam passes this on and I about cried in the middle of the store. He was very excited about how sweetly I had just got gendered. But really while it was none of my business I mostly wanted to tell that little girl something.

Your dad is right, it has taken me lots of effort and that work never ends. But please never measure yourself against others we are all both challenged and blessed in our lives. What is important is that you never give up hope in being true to yourself and your dreams because it is that heroic light in you that shines brightest when it all seems too much.


I look back at myself and hardly understand how I got here. What is changing inside me that has enabled this? Confidence? Hormones? Voice Training? Make-up? A look I like? All of this? None of this? I do not know. Am I in a pink fog? Maybe.. I still feel pretty far from where I want to be but I am not hiding anymore.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Nov 13, 2017 5:34 am

Ashley@Heart wrote:
Little Girl: She is so tall I want to grow up like her.
Father: You can if you eat good and work real hard.


...I still feel pretty far from where I want to be but I am not hiding anymore.

Very nice, very nice and affirming!
__________________________________________________________________
I remember a couple of years ago myself and four of my girlfriends went to the SF Zoo for an afternoon. I was standing in line to pay for my snack when the woman with a small girl ahead of me said 'let the lady go through first'. I thanked the mother and the little girl looked at me and smiled saying 'you are a nice lady'.

Who said it 'it is the little things in life that count the most'?
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Mon Nov 13, 2017 1:11 pm

That's great! I'm very happy for you :)
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
-Albus Dumbledore.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Nov 13, 2017 2:49 pm

I worried that posting this could be misconstrued as bragging. But what I wanted to convey was that even this 6'4" 47 yo girl who was wearing skinny blue jeans, not especially feminine brown boots. A form fitted purple lace top and a floral komono style cardigan all covered by a big scarf. Has a moment like that or a discussion with a envious cashier over buying jeans for our shape. That what we see as obstacles for ourselves keeping us from being out and open may not always be as much of a problem as we first think.

And before you think I have suddenly changed and dove head first into all things girly. I have been hiding my braless state with jackets and scarves. This is because I have yet to find one that I like the fit of. And i don't want to spend much money as I have been prone to growth spurts and have been really sore and sensitive there lately. But even Liam is like girl would you get a bra already. (And don't get me started on the number of times this graceless clutz has hurt herself whacking her own newly sensitive bits.)
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:22 pm

And i don't want to spend much money as I have been prone to growth spurts and have been really sore and sensitive there lately. But even Liam is like girl would you get a bra already.


Lol :lol: I understand that, as much as I wish I didn't. Most of my bra shopping consisted of me grabbing things that might be my size, and speed trying them on, because since they started growing I felt super uncomfortable in the lingerie section.
It's a struggle, though. My best suggestion would be to find a soft, cheap, (wireless, if you want) "training" bra. They're not super expensive, so you won't break the bank, especially if you grow faster than expected.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:53 am

KoroSensei wrote:Lol :lol: I understand that, as much as I wish I didn't. Most of my bra shopping consisted of me grabbing things that might be my size, and speed trying them on, because since they started growing I felt super uncomfortable in the lingerie section.


It's one of those things that I respect so much about so many of the trans masculine men i have had the good fortune to meet. Is how strong each of you are in the face of so many things reminding you if how you were born. And how many rather than completely reject all aspects of their born gender honor and enjoy aspects of that life they led.
For some reason I have trouble buying a training bra.. I am a goof and the thought of it seems so odd for someone my age. It's like a gateway thing.. accepting my teenager status in my second puberty makes it so much harder to stay out of hot topic.. :lol: do you know how long I contemplated combat boots?

And to any one who thinks that I have miraculously overcome my fears. Nope.. public bathrooms of either gender are still a huge deal. And public clothing shopping is a bit depressing and hard to do for long.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:10 pm

accepting my teenager status in my second puberty makes it so much harder to stay out of hot topic.. :lol: do you know how long I contemplated combat boots?

Lol :lol: Hot topic is a sirens song to me as well. I was in there and saw some marvel super hero men's briefs and was like "one day, I'm buying those" :P
But don't be too afraid of buying combat boots :lol: , I think part of my realization process has been having fun finding new aspects of my personality that I didn't know I had because I'd buried them too deep. And in that, finding new clothes that express those aspects.


And how many rather than completely reject all aspects of their born gender honor and enjoy aspects of that life they led.


That's really true. I dressed pretty feminine until last year when I realized I didn't like dressing girly anymore, and felt uncomfortable looking feminine. I still really enjoy some feminine things though. It's almost like I had to go through that super girly phase to be able to find myself.

For some reason I have trouble buying a training bra.. I am a goof and the thought of it seems so odd for someone my age.

The only good part of being older and buying one in that sort of style, is that they have much cuter options :P
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:50 pm

KoroSensei wrote:But don't be too afraid of buying combat boots :lol: , I think part of my realization process has been having fun finding new aspects of my personality that I didn't know I had because I'd buried them too deep. And in that, finding new clothes that express those aspects.

There is a side to me that wants to do wild things and be free to do as she pleases now, sometimes all black and black and imposing and others eclectic, nerdy, and playful. And another that just wants to be to look well dressed trying to understand the language of clothes especially for my size and age. I was out with a girlfriend who is a little over ten years younger than me. Her first comment was wow you look great. Followed by gosh I thought I had to give up skirts above the knees after I hit thirty. :roll: I will however be ordering a pair of riding style boots. If I can finally decide between black or brown. And nerd me wants a full length Tom Baker scarf (Doctor Who) And matching coat in a girl's cut. (Still deciding on the duster)

KoroSensei wrote:That's really true. I dressed pretty feminine until last year when I realized I didn't like dressing girly anymore, and felt uncomfortable looking feminine. I still really enjoy some feminine things though. It's almost like I had to go through that super girly phase to be able to find myself.

When your boyfriend is all excited over crazy make-up in the Mac counter. And his eyes practically beg you to let him apply the new makeup to your face after. What's a girl to do? For me I think I had to get married and have kids before I was pushed hard enough to accept myself. My voice teacher teased me about my quoting of Monty Python informing me that was a rather boyish space. But but... Liam loves Monty Python.. oohh.. damn!
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:54 pm

sometimes all black and black and imposing and others eclectic, nerdy, and playful. And another that just wants to be to look well dressed

That sounds like my closet :lol: the one that never changes for me, whatever I decide to wear, is goofy socks. I have a very diverse collection of socks, ranging from studio ghibli, to Harry Potter, to Marvel.... I love socks :P

When your boyfriend is all excited over crazy make-up in the Mac counter. And his eyes practically beg you to let him apply the new makeup to your face after.


Thats what I do to my sister :lol: I love shopping for her, she looks great in just about anything, so I have fun finding clothes for her to try on or make up she'd look nice in :) I jokingly call her my Barbie doll, because I enjoy finding/making clothes for her. (Plus she kind of, in a good way, looks like Barbie. All long blonde hair and blue eyes)

My voice teacher teased me about my quoting of Monty Python informing me that was a rather boyish space. But but... Liam loves Monty Python.. oohh.. damn!

I've yet to watch those :) My friend keeps trying to get to watch them (as well as a bazillion other movies, I'm very behind on movie culture :P )
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:51 am

KoroSensei wrote:That sounds like my closet :lol: the one that never changes for me, whatever I decide to wear, is goofy socks. I have a very diverse collection of socks, ranging from studio ghibli, to Harry Potter, to Marvel.... I love socks :P


Everyone loves to point out my long willowy body as a plus. But it means bigger feet girls size 14. Which so much of the cute girly socks and stuff just don't fit. A perpetual disappointment. I don't fangirl much. But artistic work that reminds me of things I enjoy, yes please!

KoroSensei wrote:Thats what I do to my sister :lol: I love shopping for her, she looks great in just about anything, so I have fun finding clothes for her to try on or make up she'd look nice in :) I jokingly call her my Barbie doll, because I enjoy finding/making clothes for her. (Plus she kind of, in a good way, looks like Barbie. All long blonde hair and blue eyes)

Looks at self..
Blonde... Well mostly.. check..
Blue eyes.. check..
In a relationship with an amazing transguy who likes to do or help with my makeup and such.. check..

Hmm.. is there something I need to know about this Barbie thing? :lol:

KoroSensei wrote:I've yet to watch those :) My friend keeps trying to get to watch them (as well as a bazillion other movies, I'm very behind on movie culture :P )


I am not a good person to talk on this. Monty Python is nostalgic for me, but hardly something one has to watch. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Video games.. meh.. block buster films.. only if they are really good and Liam wants to. Now that I spend so much time away from the people at work. I am drifting finding myself.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:08 pm

But it means bigger feet girls size 14. Which so much of the cute girly socks and stuff just don't fit.

Well, if you are interested in fun socks, a youtuber I watch (who is very tall with big feet, but still wears super cute/fun socks because he loves them) buys a lot of his socks from here:

https://www.happysocks.com/us/

I don't know what all they have, but the few I've looked at are amazing.

Hmm.. is there something I need to know about this Barbie thing? :lol:

:lol: Maybe there is! There's just something very fun about dressing someone up :P

Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Video games.. meh.. block buster films.. only if they are really good and Liam wants to. Now that I spend so much time away from the people at work. I am drifting finding myself.

I've personally only just been rediscovering my love of gaming. I think it's because I really only enjoy playing with someone else, and my dad and I have been gaming together on weekends. Which we haven't done before, so it's been a lot more fun.
And movies because of my friend, who is a MASSIVE movie buff.

But I understand the drifting feeling, although my drifting is more to do with a person than myself, I think. Although there are times when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing :P Like I don't know where to go next.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:41 am

KoroSensei wrote:Well, if you are interested in fun socks, a youtuber I watch (who is very tall with big feet, but still wears super cute/fun socks because he loves them) buys a lot of his socks from here: https://www.happysocks.com/us/I don't know what all they have, but the few I've looked at are amazing.

Thanks, I blame you for any excessive sockiness!

KoroSensei wrote: Maybe there is! There's just something very fun about dressing someone up

There was a strange satisfaction in shopping for clothes for Liam and feeling out of place in the men's section.

KoroSensei wrote:But I understand the drifting feeling, although my drifting is more to do with a person than myself, I think. Although there are times when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing Like I don't know where to go next.

I spent I think over two hours talking to a ex-coworker I have been friends with for 20 years who I had just re-introduced myself to. He was a big goober falling over himself trying to adjust jumping between "old buddies" and "I am talking to a woman". He finally realized why all these years I acted the way I did, and then apologized for past statements and behavior. It was in a completely awkwardly human way heartwarming. A reminder that no matter how high the wall you build some idiot is going to scale it and surprise you.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby KoroSensei » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:20 pm

Thanks, I blame you for any excessive sockiness!

:lol: I'll gladly take the blame for that!

He was a big goober falling over himself trying to adjust jumping between "old buddies" and "I am talking to a woman". He finally realized why all these years I acted the way I did, and then apologized for past statements and behavior.

That's nice to hear :) It's always nice to hear that people can be that cool about things. It's a very real fear of mine where I live, that people who were previously nice to me, will turn into complete asses. And even though I wouldn't need (or want) them in my life of they did, it would still hurt.


A reminder that no matter how high the wall you build some idiot is going to scale it and surprise you.

I have one of those in my life now :lol: She's always there to pull me out of my dysphoric funks. And I'm so glad that I met her :)
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: A sweet moment

Postby Ashley@Heart » Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:36 pm

KoroSensei wrote: I'll gladly take the blame for that!

I will so send you goofy sock pictures when I can figure out a way to do it and not want to immediately delete them or look weird.

KoroSensei wrote:That's nice to hear It's always nice to hear that people can be that cool about things. It's a very real fear of mine where I live, that people who were previously nice to me, will turn into complete asses. And even though I wouldn't need (or want) them in my life of they did, it would still hurt.


I wish I had a magic formula for you. I came here eighteen months ago scared and worried about myself and my family and desperate to do something to feel even a little better. I guess I was bad enough that a couple of girls did everything short of call a therapist for me. A gregarious girl from here got worried and asked to call me and wouldn't let me go until she beat into my head that I could do this. And that I could speak the words I am transgender to another human. I don't have many friends, no real "besties" and no serious relationships had I ever opened my heart fully to. This includes my wife if we are being honest here. And that is the stark reality of not being true to yourself and thus allowing yourself to connect. I was taught early that I was a freak, adults wondered openly what was wrong with me. I accepted those words. You do not have to, you can do this. Reject with all of your strength that notion. You are special! So reject the gendered garbage that makes you think you need to be anything or do anything anyway other than the way you are comfortable with. Liam often mentions other transmen that have inspired him and each one has paved their own path to their personal identity in unique ways. As you grow confident in who you are, you will want to connect, you will need it and there is no need to rush it. Trust your gut, chances are if you really feel the need to be open with a person at least part of you has decided it is okay. As always I am here to listen even if all you want to do is rage about someone I don't know.


Socks!
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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