Looking for some people

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Looking for some people

Postby blackdog2190 » Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:15 pm

Hello everyone. I have been a member of the forum for awhile but do not post very often, maybe like twice. I will start with my situation and then ask for help.

I am MtF, not currently on anything other than antidepressant, but I have gotten my referral letter and getting closer to my transition. I am married to a cisgender woman and we have two kids that will be 4 and 3 in just a few months or so.

We are getting along pretty well, but my wife is worried about the safety of our kids when they start school. We live in a small community and word gets around quick, plus it's a very religious and conservative community. We are discussing relocating in the future.

That's really about it for my situation at the moment that I haven't talked about. My therapist suggested getting to know people who are or have went through a similar situation.

My questions are what were the hardest challenges for you and your spouse?
Were you able to stay together and remain happy together?
We're your children bullied or picked on in school because of a trans parent?

If you can please help us out it is much appreciated. My wife is having a hard time accepting this but I give her credit, she is doing really well so far and is there for me when I need to talk to someone.

Other than what I read on here I don't know anyone that is transgender, so I'd like to get to know some people and make some new friends. Feel free to private message if you're not comfortable posting a reply or if you just want to talk.

Thank you everyone in advance and have a great day.
-Danielle
-Danielle
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:12 pm

Ok, when you married, did she have any idea?

You were male in presentation at one time I'm guessing. What would your wife think if you took the usual next step?

If you are essentially female inside, what would her reaction to having a husband that becomes a wife? Let's be frank, is she into being defacto made to end up in a lesbian relationship? I mean, if you start hormones and have gender reaffirmation surgery, she will no longer have a husband.

I have a son, he's 22, an adult and as such, my ex-wife was not able to TELL my son how it was going to be when I started my transition a few years ago. But even though we got a divorce for other reasons, it was inevitable, as she's not a lesbian and the marriage was doomed. I DO know transgender women who have managed to remain married to non-lesbian cis females. But two women in bed, really can't be intimate with it being anything else eh.

If you and your wife are cool with each other, your children won't be a problem. If they experience trouble at school, you treat it the same way you treat ANY form of bullying. You don't tolerate it.

Religious community? So what. Be prepared to tell them to cram it I guess.
I'm an Anglican. I'm treated properly. It's a Canadian Anglican church thing. I can assure you if I was treated poorly by any form of inherently Christian church, I'd remind them forcefully, Jesus doesn't permit judgment by any of us. Tell them to read the second commandment until they figure it out.

Your wife is not going to have an easy time dear. She married a guy. Guys, they tend to do guy things. Especially married guy things in bed with their wives. So if you take that from her, well, you have to expect she will be unhappy about it. Makes a bit of sense. You have to do what you have to do, but keep in mind, she might tell you the same thing. Just try and not use the kids as a weapon against each other. That's never a good thing regardless of why marriages sometimes don't work out.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby blackdog2190 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:49 am

Thanks for the reply, so here's some more details on us.
I am 27 yrs old and she is 25, I still present as male as I am only out to a handful of people in my family and hers. When we started dating in 2011 I told her my feelings but tried to assure her I would never transition as I felt at the time I didn't need to, however as time went by I have struggled more and more to the point of I have to be able to be myself and she understands that. I sometimes struggled in bed so we've had to be creative since day 1.

We love each other dearly and both want to make this work. I know she's upset and I've let her speak her mind. She knows my true intentions now and she is trying to come to terms with being perceived as lesbian. It's not easy for her and I understand that. We are trying to get through this and so far it's pretty good. We don't treat each other any different, and she is being supportive as she promised.

The big thing at the moment is we don't know anyone who has been through this. We really want to find a couple in our area that has or is going through the same thing so we both would have at least someone outside our family that we can openly talk to about our feelings and problems.

Overall I would say we can make this work, I have faith that we can make this work. It's going to be a long rough road, but that's marriage right? She's not only my wife but my best friend.

I think I've covered most of what you asked me if you have any other questions I'll answer them the best I can. Thanks again Lesley for your reply.
-Danielle
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby AbbyGray » Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:36 am

Similar boat, kid of 6,, married 10 years. Been out to her now for nearly 2 months? She was very up set and pissed off at first but has carmed down now. Supportive in some ways. Such has brought me feminine clothing for Xmas, some make up as a surprise present etc. But does not want to talk about it, just want me to work out how far I need to go etc (been told SRS would be the breaker,) . It was a suprise for her, even though I have been dropping hints for years trying to talk to her about it. Still early days, but having freands that I am out to and can express openly as Abby even in guy mode, has helped by having people to talk to and gives mental space to my wife to process things while things at home have not overly changed much, just working out how to tell the kid. Got a story book designed to explane to him about transgender before explaining why daddy is in a dress.
From what I have read and people I spoke to is that if your marriage survives coming out then there a good chance of saving it, but I know I have been very lucky in my support so far. Probably change when telling biological family or when she processed it fully.
It has been rough at times and damaged trust, but there's hope is what I am trying to say, And mental health has been improving since, with help from the Gp and freands.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby Lesley Niyori » Mon Jan 08, 2018 8:12 am

Hey Danielle.

You being younger and more modern might be all you require perhaps. I was married longer than you have been alive :) It didn't help my marriage. But there were other elements.

But if she has always sort of known, that sure makes a difference. If the family also knows, that also helps.

That you too both are agreeable, might be the key.

And, this is a bit personal but required, if you get to do everything a transgender woman might do, but, you keep the male gear, she might get to continue to get her intimate 'needs' in bed met, she might have enough to fulfill her own requirements.

Not all transgender women get the surgery. Not all transgender women NEED that surgery. You have kids, so you have gotten to be parents, so, if hormone therapy ends up making kids no longer an option, you still got to do that one thing already eh.

Please tell her, that THIS woman would be willing to consider HER a woman of incredible worth if she can love you so much, that she permits you to be the you that you need to be. It sounds like when she said to love honor and respect in sickness and in health good or bad to death do you part, that her word was genuinely worth something. I think she potentially deserves some form of demonstration of acknowledgment of her honouring those words so well. Maybe get her something like a birthstone ring you can tell her is a promise to always be worthy of her. Just an idea.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby blackdog2190 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 3:13 pm

I'll start with Lesley then get to Abby.

So yea we've got the parent thing going for us, while after our second child she got neonatal lupus so we aren't able yo have anymore children. The health risks to her and baby would be too great.

Currently those I am out to are obviously my wife, my best friend and his wife, my oldest brother and his wife, Kaitlyn's (my wife's name) brother and sister, and her aunt. My oldest brother was the big shock for me as I expected him to reject me but turns out him and his wife are my biggest allies next to Kaitlyn. My best friend is kind of a rocky road right now, we've known each other since kindergarten and I just came out to him a month or so ago. He doesn't agree or support but also doesn't reject me. If it stayed like that where he is just neutral that would be fine, but he likes to tell me how big of a mistake this is and how he thinks testosterone is my answer as it helped him with low T. His wife is truly neutral and is there to listen to my wife when she needs a different ear. Kaitlyn's brother and aunt are both cool with it though I haven't spoke to them only Kaitlyn. Her sister was a shock as she is very open minded and has even posted on Facebook that she is safe to come out to but became angry when my wife told her. If my dad goes back to work Wednesday I plan on coming out to my mom, which I will try to post about how that goes.

As for how far I'll go in transitioning we have discussed SRS some and that it is a possibility I'll get it. She seems ok with it it is one day and one step at a time. I'm trying to give her time to process everything so I'm trying to pace myself.

Now for Abby, thanks for your story, I'm sorry that SRS is the breaker, not sure if that's something you feel you have to have but I hope you and your wife get through everything as well as we have so far. I'm glad she is supportive and I have a similar problem with my wife talking about it. She has days where we can talk about it but it can't be the only thing we talk about.

I hope your son takes it well, I think he should as young as he is. Mine are young enough yet that I don't think much explanation will be needed until they get older. My therapist gave me the name of a book I have it on a piece of paper I need to find it and get it.

So you being pre transition as well do you dress often? I don't because my dysphoria prevents me from it. I can't stand my male body, and if I dress I look too manly to feel feminine. Now that the holidays have past I'm growing out my hair and keeping my face shaved so one step at a time.

Hope you both are doing well today and look forward to more replies.
-Danielle
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby Lesley Niyori » Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:03 pm

Things sound mostly positive.

It does happen eh, some MTF persons transition fully, and remain married.

And sometimes the people that support you the most surprise you and sometimes the people that let you down, you thought couldn't possibly do so.

I lost a very close friend. Very very close friend. And yet, my big brother, who I fought with all through my childhood (oil and water eh), is the strongest supporter of the family. He considers me his little sister. I have even gone so far as to tell him to always do what is right to protect me, even if it pisses me off :)

He's aware I dream of finding a husband just like him :) He's my ideal man.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby AbbyGray » Tue Jan 09, 2018 11:51 am

The dressing was in stages over the past couple of years, female jeans and leggings (I have wide hips so they do fit better and the stretch material help my back pain. It true and an exerllent excuse.) these days I am wearing feminine t shirts and jumpers so kind of quirky / camp look by what I been told this is both at home and at work, just need to add the breast forms and wig to go full Abby( although wanting more skirts and gothic look when I got the money and go full time. (kind of given up on worring to much on what people think, just want to be me and happy) But it was more of a nessaity to help ease the dysphoria or at lest take thle edge off it and help reduce the levels of depression and dark thoughts and stupid thoughs. But going fully out? Once at home with the wife, and after when she's out. But also around a freands house last week for first time in front of her and her partner which as very comfortable and getting make up lessions, and to the local support group. Mainly to keep away from the little boy and our house guest we have had for 3 weeks. But to give her space to process things. she's got a lot on her plate with her family and job. It would be nice to talk more about it to her, but I will give it time. She wants me to work things out, and keeps buying cloths for me from the charity shop when she finds some thing in my dimensions which looks good, also helps shave my back while is brilliant as I can't reach to two spots. We work together so work talk is our normal chatting. So I practice speech tones in the lab when alone, more feminine walking when invigilating exams and walking to the train etc. Currently planing to go full time during the summer, as it will consinside with the student change over, so I can sort any issues out with staff, with out the addition of confused students. Just need to explane to the kid now, that and waiting for appointments with Gic and other therapists.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby AbbyGray » Tue Jan 09, 2018 2:45 pm

Then again when my paranoia kicks in I wonder when she will snap and what seems like a smothish dream will come crashing and burning around me.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby blackdog2190 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:20 pm

Sounds like you are making progress. I'm also happy for you that she helps you with shaving and clothing. Hopefully she remains supportive of you and sticks around. Where do you live? I live in south west Indiana. Again I hope your son takes it well. I'm glad you can be yourself and can hopefully continue to do so comfortably.

Lesley, I'm sorry you lost a close friend. Yes for me things are mostly positive. My fear is my dad, he has said in previous conversations that I would be disowned. I have come to terms with that and it will hurt, but I have come to accept that so I can be myself.
-Danielle
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby AbbyGray » Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:42 am

Yeah, I forget that most people in here are from the US. I live in a large town south of Manchester in Cheshire UK.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: Looking for some people

Postby blackdog2190 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:53 pm

Oh ok, well it's nice to get to know you and hope to talk more in the future.
-Danielle
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