My own enemy

Significant Others, Family, and Friends

My own enemy

Postby kupkeix » Sat Dec 16, 2017 11:38 pm

I have a supportive partner, family who I have come out to and did not reject me and supportive queer friends. But my fear has been crippling these last few years. I came out as trans and wanting to take hormones to my family in 2015 and since then have emotionally retracted into myself. Just this year I have finally registered in a trans healthcare program and have my first appointment January 2018. I am only recently starting to tell my queer friends who I know are all encouraging me towards doing the right thing for myself...I was too afraid to receive that encouragement. And I spent a lot of time projecting my own internalized transphobia onto my patient and loving partner...it has been hard to be honest with myself.
I have struggled with a lot of self loathing around wanting to appear more masculine...being associated to the patriarchy as a physical embodiment of it... when I and my loved ones have had so much trauma from men. And i hear so much shit about men, usually cis men, but the terms get generalized and it is hard not to internalize it...I start to feel angry at my heart's desires. It's been an ugly cycle that has left me keeping people at a distance and depressed.
I tried to convince myself I could go on with my partner as I am, not transitioning with hormones...but it has gotten unbearable...when I'm not dissociated, i spend a lot of time feeling sad and hopeless.
I'm hoping getting in with this clinic will help me turn my life around. My partner deserves me at my best as much as I deserve to feel like myself...something I have yet to fully experience in this life. Just joined this forum after a really hard day and needed to get this out.
-K
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Re: My own enemy

Postby julie.chan » Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:21 am

I have struggled with a lot of self loathing around wanting to appear more masculine...being associated to the patriarchy as a physical embodiment of it... when I and my loved ones have had so much trauma from men.

I don't think you're going to transition successfully into being a man if you're a misandrist. That's what this sentence shows me: misandry. Hatred of men. It's not healthy.

And i hear so much shit about men, usually cis men, but the terms get generalized and it is hard not to internalize it...I start to feel angry at my heart's desires. It's been an ugly cycle that has left me keeping people at a distance and depressed.

I don't know what your friends and family have told you, but the fact of the matter is that almost all men in the world are good people, just like how almost all women in the world are good people. There is no basis to associate all men with the few men who have done evil things, any more than there would be to associate all women with the few women who have done evil things. If anyone thinks that you are a bad person for being a man, that person is a bigot and I would highly recommend not associating with them. The same goes for anyone who tries to make you feel ashamed for being a man.

It doesn't matter if you're a trans man or a cis man. A man is a man. The only reason people like TERFs think otherwise is because they don't actually believe that trans men are men.

I tried to convince myself I could go on with my partner as I am, not transitioning with hormones...but it has gotten unbearable...when I'm not dissociated, i spend a lot of time feeling sad and hopeless.

This is about you and your mental health. If what you need to do is a problem for your relationship with your partner, the best thing for both of you is to go your separate ways. There's no shame in that.

Just to check, do you have a therapist? That's very important.
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Re: My own enemy

Postby kupkeix » Sun Dec 17, 2017 1:17 am

Thanks for the reply. I had a really toxic, horrific run in recently with a cis man who turned out to be a con that triggered past trauma on top of being its own new source of pain in my life...on the flipside it really helped to trigger me into some reality with myself... Dealing with someone that deceptive forced me to look at the ways I lie to myself. No, hatred of men is not healthy...it goes back deep for me beyond trauma, to ideas my mother imparted...and I'm desperately needing to unpack all of it... I am guilty of perpetuating misandry by not actively speaking up and saying "not all men..." when those conversations have actually hurt me... because it usually comes up with someone ranting over a particular situation then switching to generalizing. A lot of my friends are sex workers and I have done sex work, so a lot of the guys I and they have dealt with are just not in the interaction to be decent or respectful. It kind of proves itself as a point--why I had to leave sex work.
I havent been in therapy since 2013 but have been trying to get one since the summer.
Last edited by kupkeix on Sun Dec 17, 2017 1:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My own enemy

Postby kupkeix » Sun Dec 17, 2017 1:24 am

My partner is all for me getting whatever help I need and has made it clear there is no alternative but for me to seek help. I was too afraid to because I've been so used to fighting against these feelings about myself for as long as I can remember. And always running from them.
I recently did remove one of those people from my life, because I dont think she will ever change her negative attitudes around masculinity. This was someone I really cared about, and ending that dynamic was also part of what helped me reach this breaking point. Keeping those people in my life previously, even seeking out some of those friendships, I have realized was a part of my self destruction and hiding myself.
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Re: My own enemy

Postby julie.chan » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:10 am

I had a really toxic, horrific run in recently with a cis man who turned out to be a con that triggered past trauma on top of being its own new source of pain in my life

This is something you really need to talk to a therapist about, but try not to let this incident define what you think of men in general. The male sex didn't con you; an individual did.

I am guilty of perpetuating misandry by not actively speaking up and saying "not all men..." when those conversations have actually hurt me...

No, that doesn't make you guilty of anything. The one saying nasty things about men in general is the guilty party here.

I recently did remove one of those people from my life, because I dont think she will ever change her negative attitudes around masculinity. This was someone I really cared about, and ending that dynamic was also part of what helped me reach this breaking point.

It's good to hear that you're looking out for yourself. Don't forget: companionship is important, so if you're losing friends, make new friends too. If you're having trouble doing that, I'd suggest checking with your local library or e.g. meetup.com to find group activities you're interested in, and signing up for those. That's a good starting point.

And I know I'm repeating yourself, but make sure to find a therapist ASAP. It's very important. A stranger on the Internet like me can only do so much. ;)
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