Unsupportive parents

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Unsupportive parents

Postby TheCrimsonValley » Sat Sep 09, 2017 3:36 am

So, I'm a trans FtM, my parents have known for 2 years now.
I spoke to them calmly, told them that if they had any questions at all they could just come and speak to me so that we could all have a good and healthy relationship to one another and my transitioning.
My mother insisted that they of course loved me and that they would support me.

However, there has been no support, right the opposite.
My mother keeps on dead naming me, she has NEVER used my real name once and when I try to correct her or tell her that it hurts and it really damaging my my self esteem and mental health, she simply shrugs her shoulders and says "I'm trying!".
She keeps referring to me with things like "my daughter", "my little girl" ect which I absolutely hate and which only serves to drag me further away from her.

I've tried speaking to her several times about these things, about my transitioning and my coming hormonal treatment and how this is who I am and it makes me happy but I get no support.
Several times she has thrown the "but you used to be a happy little girl" and "I don't understand, those are things that one notice as soon as the baby can talk!", quickly erasing me as a trans because I didn't figure stuff out until my 20's.
Try as I might, she turns the subject around and makes it about her, how hard it is for her, how this isn't easy for her all the while completely ignoring how it is eating away at not only my mental health by any chance of us having a good relationship to one another.

My father doesn't speak much but when he does it is not supportive stuff.
He mostly grunts or gives me glares of disapproval whenever I try to bring the subject up.
The last thing he told was in correlation to my towns pride parade, giving the line "Is no one normal anymore!".
I haven't tried to speak to him after that, it was the solid stone that he considers me abnormal, my identity abnormal as well as my relationship to my agender partner abnormal.

I've never really had a healthy relationship to my parents, there has been a lot of emotional manipulation and gaslighting which rendered me in a lot of mental healthcare.
The trouble is that they insist on contact with me, though they have no intentions of being mindful or supportive.

I'm at the end of my rope here.
I want to know how I can break things of with them, I've tried to keep things good but I really feel this is not how things should work and I shouldn't have to bend over backwards and sacrifice my own happiness so that they can keep up appearance of a "happy family".
I just don't know how to approach this or if there is even something I can tell them?
My mother is very, delusional, for lack of better word. To describe it shortly, she is obsessed with being the "perfect mom" and having the "best family" and any pointing out of her not being perfect makes her explode with anger.

I guess I just need any advice right now.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:15 am

This probably won't be exactly what you want to hear, but my experience will probably be pretty applicable to yours. Our stories are pretty similar.

When I ended up coming out to my parents I did so via phone call from thousands of miles away in the event that things got really bad. They thought that I was going to tell them I was gay, but had no idea that I was telling them I was transgender (mtf in my case). They were knocked pretty off-balance, and my therapist at the time was on the call so their response was probably more measured than it otherwise may have been, but like in your case they said they supported me and just wanted to be happy.

That support never materialized.

Both parents deadnamed me consistently for four years, despite repeated attempts to get them to use the right name, or god forbid the right pronouns. They wanted credit for trying without any regard to how hard they were trying (not very). They would parade around old pictures of me for everyone to see, and would joke about how they could get out of social events if they told people I was trans. So funny! We would consistently argue after not too long about how they were really dragging their feet on this, and every time they relented and said they would try harder only to never bother trying any harder at all.

All the while they would try to do anything they could short of open hostility to keep me from transitioning. "What will the family think?!" "What about the neighbors?!" "You might kill your mom from stress because she has high blood pressure!" "Can't you wait until your grandpa dies?" "It's so hard for us!" "But Jesus said..."

I was seething with rage at all of this for a while, and when I transitioned to the point where I legally changed my name and felt comfortable going full-time, I moved out. The -very last thing- that happened before I left the house with my final load of stuff was my dad deadnaming me. When I corrected him, he just shrugged his shoulders and said "whatever". Great last impression.

Things finally came to a head a little under three years ago and we got into a heated argument about how they have basically done jack shit to support me, all while acting like they were my biggest allies ever (ha!). Eventually they came right out and told me that they shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable about all of this and I shouldn't stress them out by having the audacity to tell them that they are getting it wrong. Their comfort, apparently, was a hell of a lot more important than my happiness.

So I walked out and told them that as long as this was going on they would rarely hear from me. Dad would email me every once in a while, but only when he needed something from me. I think he mentioned something in an email about how he hoped we could just let bygones be bygones, and that he would try harder. I responded to him that I had heard that many times before, and wouldn't really accept his umpteenth apology if he didn't actually change moving forward. His emails became curt and snarky after this, and I ended up cutting all contact with my parents. That was almost three years ago.

With the exception of this post, I refer to my parents by their first names as opposed to "mom and dad". There was so much shit that I had to deal with them outside of me being trans, like how they are both unrepentant narcissistic alcoholics and emotionally neglectful to a high degree, and my transition and their inability to deal was the last straw. I changed my number, I blocked their emails, and while I still have an excellent relationship with the rest of my family, the parents are effectively dead to me. When I moved again I made every effort to keep them from finding out my new address. While I have been gone, they have essentially turned the McMansion they live in into Fort Fox News with security cameras, alarms, and an ever-expanding arsenal of guns, plus even more liquor than normal. They also enthusiastically voted for Trump. There's really nothing for me to go back to.

So my advice:

You need to evaluate whether your relationship with your parents is a net positive or a net negative for you. They don't get credit just because they had sex nine months before you were born. It sounds like they really have no intention of respecting who you are, and from the sounds of things they probably aren't too willing to engage in therapy to iron out their issues. I really, REALLY do not suggest this lightly, but maybe some no-contact period might be best for you to give you and them space. If you are luckier than me, not having their child in their life might be a wake up call to them that they need to get their shit together and treat you better. But if not, be prepared to walk. It sucks, and it certainly wasn't easy for me by any means, but getting away from them is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

If you ever need to reach out, please don't hesitate to PM me. I've fought in these same trenches.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby TheCrimsonValley » Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:28 am

It's really great for me to be able to share my experience with other people who have gone through similar cases. And I can only say that I feel more than sorry for you and the roller-coaster ride you had to go through with your family.

I've been considering cutting them off for a while, I would actually love to do so. I'm getting married to my partner of several years, we're moving into our own little nest, I'm finally going to get my education to become a hairdresser, we even got a little cat.
If we don't calculate my parents into this my life is really on the right side.

The trouble is, my mother is very forceful, for lack of better words, in keeping contact. This extends to all my siblings, I've even told both her and others in my family that she has a trouble "cutting the umbilical cord" so to speak.
I lived with my partner in Paris for almost 4 years, almost 3 hours with plane from my parents and I kept minimal contact, in the beginning no contact at all.
I've never felt so good for such a long time, it was as if a nagging horrible voice that tells me that I am wrong, ugly and can never do anything had just died.
But my mother started putting fuel to the fire, constantly messaging me on facebook and skype, insisting that we need to have contact, we need to speak, that's what families does!

I'm studying and living in the same small town where my parents live and as such I can't fully avoid them.
If I stop picking up the phone or answer messages from my parents I know that there will be hell to pay.
Even though none of them have EVER been physically violent with me my mother is extremely emotionally abusive and verbally abusive and I know for a fact that she'll start spreading to the rest of the family what a terrible person I am and minimalise all contact I have with any other family members.
I've tried other times when I was younger to get away from her and my psychologist was willing to aid me but my mother got wind of it and both gaslighted and berated me until I broke down in tears and told my psychologist I couldn't go through with it.

I understand I might have to do it the hard way but I can say right now, that is not going to be easy!
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:21 am

TheCrimsonValley wrote:I've been considering cutting them off for a while, I would actually love to do so. I'm getting married to my partner of several years, we're moving into our own little nest, I'm finally going to get my education to become a hairdresser, we even got a little cat.
If we don't calculate my parents into this my life is really on the right side.


I am glad that you have something of a positive environment that you are in. It can help buoy you against the parental stress if and when shit hits the fan. Stability is always a good position to assert yourself from.

The trouble is, my mother is very forceful, for lack of better words, in keeping contact. This extends to all my siblings, I've even told both her and others in my family that she has a trouble "cutting the umbilical cord" so to speak.


If she won't cut it then you will probably need to cut it for her.

I lived with my partner in Paris for almost 4 years, almost 3 hours with plane from my parents and I kept minimal contact, in the beginning no contact at all.
I've never felt so good for such a long time, it was as if a nagging horrible voice that tells me that I am wrong, ugly and can never do anything had just died.


It sounds like you already know what you need to do.

But my mother started putting fuel to the fire, constantly messaging me on facebook and skype, insisting that we need to have contact, we need to speak, that's what families does!


It sounds like she doesn't want to talk with you, just talk at you. If you are going to cut off your parents (which sounds like the right move, at least temporarily), then you need to cut every possible line of contact. Block them on Facebook, Messenger, Skype, or any other app that they might use to get to you. Blocking my parents' Facebook accounts was one of the very first things I did, because it gives them not just a way to communicate with you, but a continuously open window into the current state of your life, where you are, what you do, and who you associate with. That can only work against you, regardless of how spotless you might be.

I'm studying and living in the same small town where my parents live and as such I can't fully avoid them.


How often do you run into them? If it is a matter of changing where you get groceries, do laundry, grab drinks, etc., then these are inconvenient but important changes to make, depending on where you are. I am of the opinion that seeing cut-off family in person is way more harmful than having a remote conversation. I would probably end up hospitalized if I saw my dad in person. I am not even exaggerating there. It would be full-on panic attack time.

If I stop picking up the phone or answer messages from my parents I know that there will be hell to pay.
Even though none of them have EVER been physically violent with me my mother is extremely emotionally abusive and verbally abusive and I know for a fact that she'll start spreading to the rest of the family what a terrible person I am and minimalise all contact I have with any other family members.


Then preempt her. Strike up conversations with your extended family. Ask them to get coffee/dinner/[regional activity] sometime. Visit them if you know your parents won't be around. The more that you spend time with these people, the more likely it is that when your mom tries to talk shit about you that they know she is blowing smoke out of her ass.

I've tried other times when I was younger to get away from her and my psychologist was willing to aid me but my mother got wind of it and both gaslighted and berated me until I broke down in tears and told my psychologist I couldn't go through with it.


For the record, if you aren't currently in therapy, I strongly recommend you get therapy through this, because it is a tough and emotionally draining thing for anybody to have to go through. Take it from me.

I understand I might have to do it the hard way but I can say right now, that is not going to be easy!


Oh it won't be easy by a mile. It will probably be really, really hard. Even after you go through with it, you'll think you're crazy or in the wrong or being the unreasonable one, but you must soldier through because it will pass. Oftentimes the things that are really worth doing are difficult, and this is a classic example of that. The pain you endure if you go through this eventually gives way to clarity, relief, and a hell of a lot more serenity than you have right now.

Easy for me to say though, being on the other side of the internet and all, but that has been my experience.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby TheCrimsonValley » Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:00 am

Yeah, you're right on this one.
I guess I somewhere just always get stuck in the lines that I'm probably the one who's wrong, that I'm the bad guy, I'm the one being overly sensitive ect.
I'm getting in contact with a therapist so that I can get things sorted out, I know I need it since I come to realize that my way of handling things are a result of gaslighting, that I always think I'm the bad guy, that I am stupid and can't do things right, that nothing I do will ever matter.

It's going to be so bloody hard but I'm at least finding some solace in the fact I won't be alone.
My friends are extremely helpful, heck they're more family than my "parents" have really ever been to me, with some activity like a new education and some help from a psychologist, I'm certain I can do it.

So thanks mate, really, it means a lot to be able to just get to hear other people share their experience and to get advice and clarity when you start just running in circles.

All the luck in the future, remember to stay golden!
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MikiSJ » Sat Sep 09, 2017 4:06 pm

First of all - welcome to the board. We have a growing number of guys here to give you support.

You don't mention your age (I am assuming late teens/early twenties), you don't mention if you have a job (I am assuming no) and you don't mention if you are still living at home (I assume you still live at home).

I did not come out until I was in my late 60s, long after my parents were gone. But I had problems with my mother beginning in my pre-teens. I won't go into the specifics, but I divorced her, first in my mind and later when I moved out of the house in my late teens. We never reconciled.

My Father was a good guy and while we were not close, I really think he would have accepted me.

Soooooooooooooooo, become self-sufficent, find a place to live and let you parents come to you - on your terms.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MorganWoolf » Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:37 pm

Hey! Welcome!
I'm Morgan, and I'm FtM too! I also didn't learn about myself until I was in my 20's. I'm 28 now btw. Anyway...

Your mom sounds like mine.
She's nuts (my mom I mean).
I had to run from that place. My spouse (who is also trans...MtF) saved me from that place by giving me a way out. They weren't giving me issues about being trans (none of us knew anything yet), but there was certainly emotional neglect and emotional abuse. When I finally moved out it was like waking up from a long nightmare.
The night I moved out I was lying in bed starting at the ceiling feeling like everything before that moment wasn't real. I essentially stopped talking to my parents. It just...happened. Contact with them picked up again after about 2 years.

You can't change them. You shouldn't have to. They are not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. Once you are free, hold your ground on everything you are. Do not give them an inch, you've already given them miles and they've still abused that.

I've been trying to break away from mine. I think I still have hope that some sort of healing will happen. So, I do let them in. It might not work, or maybe I'll be surprised and a miracle will happen. But once you are out of the house you make the rules, and if they don't like it, tough.
You will have to meditate and ask yourself a lot. This isn't going to be easy. I agree with Natasha, you need a therapist to help you with this if this is truly the path you wish to take. My therapist actually offered the possibility of just cutting things off permanently with my parents.
Or really...I mentioned wanting to and she said, "That's definitely a possibility. Is that something you really want? Because we can work on that." I was shocked and I said, "I can do that?"
She said, "Why not? Your relationship with them is toxic. Why stay in it?"
It sorta blew my mind. But, they are our parents, and so it will always be painful. I'm stuck in feeling of, "Maybe things will heal" and "Maybe they can make up for it"
It's just the kid in me yearning.
If you do cut off, realize it isn't something that just...happens and its over. No. You will have a lot to work through and they will try to contact you, and you will have to be ready to defend your position.
I don't know how toxic your parents can be, but if your relationship with them is toxic enough, it will be in your best interest and you will need to prepare. Of course the only person who can decide if that's what you truly want is you. But be ready! You'll have some battles ahead of you!

I've recently come out to my parents. So far they're taking it well but I wonder if they aren't going to do what yours have done. I'm ready to hold my ground and do what needs be done (or so I think).

I'm also available for PM if you want to talk.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Lucy-chan » Sun Sep 17, 2017 7:20 pm

Ive had a bit of this... But I've got much more to go.

My mother and one of the brothers already knows. My mother keeps promising to not 'go the whole hog' until after she's dead. (Which could be 20 years from now.)

I'm 37, and right now my grannies kinda the priority. Given that she's got about 3 months left to live. I reckon if a wait until my granny passes. And give my mam suitable time to grieve. But then ill start transition when i turn 40. Surely that's fair. Right?

Ive also got my dad and my other brother to deal with. Both i have the alpha male bullshit going on. In fact i told my brother i was spending a lot of time listening to a radio station that's dedicated to musicals this afternoon. He replied 'how very gay'.

That should give you some idea of what I'm up against..... But to be honest, they can all just fuck off!!!!
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Sun Sep 17, 2017 10:14 pm

Natasha you were saying; (sorry can't figure out how to easily quote portions rather than the whole post! )

"There was so much shit that I had to deal with them outside of me being trans, like how they are both unrepentant narcissistic alcoholics and emotionally neglectful to a high degree, and my transition and their inability to deal was the last straw."

Parents come in all shapes and sizes and have their faults and imperfections... if what you say is true, as you say yourself- your parents let you down LONG before you came out as TG. I'm so sorry that's your experience and it truly pains me to think what you have been through. You may well have good reason to distant yourself from a dysfunctional situation.

BUT Anyone reading this thread who has loving parents who have done their best (probably not perfect but no one is) don't be too quick to shut them out. Give them a chance to make mistakes... remember how long it took you to accept yourself and work through all your own feelings about your gender identity, and realize it may take them time to do the same. We're all just human after all, aren't we?

Also- you may find that with some time (and maybe distance) your relationship with your parents will change... as you both grow and change. There may be a time for a closer relationship maybe just not now.

Once again- just another point of view because I know most of you are very open minded and emotionally intelligent enough to sort through things for yourself and realize not everyone's experience is the same.

As always reading posts like this makes me reflect on my situation and how to do right by my daughter. I hope she gives me that chance.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MorganWoolf » Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:25 am

Lucy-chan wrote:I'm 37, and right now my grannies kinda the priority. Given that she's got about 3 months left to live. I reckon if a wait until my granny passes. And give my mam suitable time to grieve. But then ill start transition when i turn 40. Surely that's fair. Right?


It's not fair to you. Transition isn't quick. It takes time. You won't live forever. And who knows what'll happen in 3 years! What'll be the excuse then? "My mother is now going through ____ and so I'll postpone it a little longer."
You don't know that it'll be okay in 3 years. And if you keep pushing it back she'll just expect it'll never happen, push for it not to happen.

Don't worry about them. In 3 months you will not have transitioned enough for your grandma to notice. And she doesn't have to know.

..... But to be honest, they can all just fuck off!!!!


So what're you waiting for? :) Start the journey!
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Lucy-chan » Mon Sep 18, 2017 4:55 pm

MorganWoolf wrote:
Lucy-chan wrote:I'm 37, and right now my grannies kinda the priority. Given that she's got about 3 months left to live. I reckon if a wait until my granny passes. And give my mam suitable time to grieve. But then ill start transition when i turn 40. Surely that's fair. Right?


It's not fair to you. Transition isn't quick. It takes time. You won't live forever. And who knows what'll happen in 3 years! What'll be the excuse then? "My mother is now going through ____ and so I'll postpone it a little longer."
You don't know that it'll be okay in 3 years. And if you keep pushing it back she'll just expect it'll never happen, push for it not to happen.

Don't worry about them. In 3 months you will not have transitioned enough for your grandma to notice. And she doesn't have to know.

..... But to be honest, they can all just fuck off!!!!


So what're you waiting for? :) Start the journey!



To be honest, i'm also waiting for the outcome of the British governments white paper.

If i can transition without all the therapy. Id prefer that. I know I've got issues with my mother. And it's pretty much fucked me up. I don't want it gumming up the works further down the line...
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:34 pm

Mom2TranAdult wrote:Parents come in all shapes and sizes and have their faults and imperfections... if what you say is true, as you say yourself- your parents let you down LONG before you came out as TG. I'm so sorry that's your experience and it truly pains me to think what you have been through. You may well have good reason to distant yourself from a dysfunctional situation.

BUT Anyone reading this thread who has loving parents who have done their best (probably not perfect but no one is) don't be too quick to shut them out. Give them a chance to make mistakes... remember how long it took you to accept yourself and work through all your own feelings about your gender identity, and realize it may take them time to do the same. We're all just human after all, aren't we?


I think that by and large this is true, and that my own situation is relatively extreme with regards to the norm (hopefully). Still, if the parents in question are really dragging their feet on some stuff, my guess is that there is some underlying issue. Sure, the adjustment period is rough. Mistakes will be made, tears may be shed, and there might be an argument or two, and both sides should give the other a little breathing room for a while. But if it takes something like four years to adjust to the right pronouns and name then there is some degree of laziness or apathy involved. A benchmark I have heard from a few people is that six months is generally as long as this should take, and my folks had eight times as much time and went from zero to nowhere in terms of progress.

Also- you may find that with some time (and maybe distance) your relationship with your parents will change... as you both grow and change. There may be a time for a closer relationship maybe just not now.


I will always hope to get my parents back, but I no longer expect that to happen. Even if the lines of communication were to be built back up that first meeting would have to take place in a therapist's office, and there would have to be lots of email correspondence beforehand so I don't end up being hospitalized from seeing them in person. I'm very fortunate that my partner's parents are pretty cool and absolutely adore me apparently, or otherwise I would have no parents at all.

Again, my situation is abnormal. Regardless of what happens with TheCrimsonValley I hope that eventually they can have some sort of meaningful relationship with their parents.

Once again- just another point of view because I know most of you are very open minded and emotionally intelligent enough to sort through things for yourself and realize not everyone's experience is the same.

As always reading posts like this makes me reflect on my situation and how to do right by my daughter. I hope she gives me that chance.


Hopefully everything works out for you and your daughter. It seems you are putting in a fair amount of effort into understanding this situation, which already puts you ahead of the curve.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:23 pm

Hopefully everything works out for you and your daughter. It seems you are putting in a fair amount of effort into understanding this situation, which already puts you ahead of the curve.


Thanks for your well-wishes. I hope so too- and I wish you every happiness as well.
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When will they come around?

Postby VirginiaHall » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:05 pm

This is a familiar story.

Ever hear about the girl who is dating a married man who's in a marriage that's over and he's going to tell his wife that he's going to leave the wife and run away with the girl friend. Once in a blue moon it does happen, but usually is a stalling tactic.

Here are the words to the family. "I understand that you are having trouble using my real name and pronoun and I understand it is difficult. My therapists says that this kind of thing is setting my progress back and I agree. I am going to take a time out from the family until you have come to the place where everyone is onboard and then let me know when that happens."

This actually works in that it takes the onus off of you. Using the wrong name and pronoun is calculated disrespect and you don't have to be party to it. If I had a boyfriend of another race and I brought him home and the family used a racial slur over and over and kept apologizing about how they "forgot," no one would buy that.

My question to myself was, "What positive thing am I getting out of this relationship?"

I did not have a solid answer and I walked.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby VirginiaHall » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:31 pm

Lucy-chan wrote:
I'm 37, and right now my grannies kinda the priority. Given that she's got about 3 months left to live. I reckon if a wait until my granny passes. And give my mam suitable time to grieve. But then ill start transition when i turn 40. Surely that's fair. Right?


I transitioned in the 1970s and was in my 20s. Do the math and that'll tell you I am closer to granny's age than to yours. I am sorry she is ill and I am sorry to hear the prognosis. I do need to clarify something, though. People have known about trans for fifty to sixty years now. People who are in their 70s and 80s have had decades to get used to the idea. It's you young folk who are just finding out about it.

Christine Jorgensen, April Ashley, Renee Richards (my era) all transitioned between 1952 and 1977. They were on all the talk shows. They were in the newspapers--headlines. This is nothing new.

I have a friend whose dad was a big mining company mogul who was dying of a wasting disease that could practically be graphed. The dad had a trust fund in excess of $2 million he was going to leave to his "son." They family pleaded that she not transition. Wait two years. She said, "no." She transitioned. Dad wrote her out of the will. She got two extra years to be herself.

We gray hairs are pretty good at rolling with the punches.
Last edited by VirginiaHall on Thu Sep 21, 2017 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MikiSJ » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:51 pm

It is so sad that there are parents who hold future wealth over the contemporary happiness of their children lest the child do something not in the parent's favor.

While I am roughly the same age as Virginia and some of the 'older' ladies here, I did not have that overwhelming desire to be who I truly was and I lacked their courage to lead the lives' they deserved; I deserved.

I waited until I was no longer employable to take the cover off Miki.

Also, maybe because I hid Miki for soooo long, I think I have developed a tolerance for mis-pronouning, dead-naming, tsk-tsking and such. Fortunately, I am growing into my 'femaleness' nicely and the second glances are less frequent and the nice smiles moreso.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MorganWoolf » Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:56 am

VirginiaHall...that post spoke to me.
I know this is post is TheCrimsonValley's but I have to say it...

Thank you.

I now understand what I'm denying myself by allowing my parents to use the wrong pronouns. I know others have posted the same message, but somehow the way you put it just spoke to me.

Thank you.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby VirginiaHall » Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:02 am

MorganWoolf wrote:VirginiaHall...that post spoke to me.
I know this is post is TheCrimsonValley's but I have to say it...

Thank you.

I now understand what I'm denying myself by allowing my parents to use the wrong pronouns. I know others have posted the same message, but somehow the way you put it just spoke to me.

Thank you.


:D
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby TheCrimsonValley » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:19 pm

Well this certainly wasn't the update I wished to write.

I am in the process of cutting my mother and father out of my life.
I can't really put it in any other way, those are the only words that I can really say and somewhere it doesn't even hurt. It is as if I could feel it coming, as if I was already mentally prepared.

I've really tried, I really, really did while living with my parents for 3 whole months (his on top of a very turbulent and emotionally abusive 26 years of existence) before we could move out to our own place.
During this entire time me and my partner sadly had to go through less than fun things such as:


*My mother and father refusing to use my preferred name and pronouns. When confronted my mother straight out told me that she'll never see me as anything else than my assigned at birth gender and that she'll never call me another name.

*My father using my partners preferred name but then adding an angry "Or *deadname* as they should REALLY be called"

*Several times my family refusing to listen to my worries or even my confrontations about their behaviours, dismissing it as me being too sensitive and overreacting.


It sounds harsh to outer ears I know but I've finally come to the conclusion, with the help of friends and other supports that I am not a child to my parents, I am a possession. If I do what pleases them I get "love" in return.
It has been a horribly long process of gaslighting back and forth, of blaming the trouble on me, that I'm not "really" trans, that I can't be because "they never saw anything", completely ignoring the fact that my parents never "saw" that I was gravely depressed and suicidal either until I attempted to take my own life by which point they did not react with sympathy but with anger that I was "ruining" everything.

It's going to be hard, really hard.
But by now I'm putting the ultimatum on my parents.
Either they can have their comfort zone and refuse to accept this and I'll let them, I can not change them or their views.
But if they choose that, then I am no longer their child. I have to move on with my life. I have a wonderful partner soon to be spouse, an education on the go and a life that I want and I can not have them dragging me down to a place where I'm depressed and might once more consider ending my existence because of the pain.
If they want comfort over loving their child, then that is their choice.

It's been good to read on these forums though, the suggestions and stories coming from everyone else, it is both heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time.
I hope I can update every now and then but until then, I have to really thank you guys for hearing me out <3
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MikiSJ » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:55 pm

I hope your future path has less rocks and roots to stumble over going forward.

Good luck!
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby MorganWoolf » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:18 pm

Cutting parents out of ones life is difficult, but it is certainly a valid option, and it takes courage. I commend you for having the strength to do that. Even after everything my parents have done (mostly non-trans related but still) I still haven't been able to cut them out. I'm too empathetic.

I hope you find the joy in life you deserve, with people who respect and love you for being you.

I'm sure you'll build a new family made of people who will be there for you through thick and thin...and call you by your true name. :)
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:22 am

TheCrimsonValley wrote:I am in the process of cutting my mother and father out of my life.
I can't really put it in any other way, those are the only words that I can really say and somewhere it doesn't even hurt. It is as if I could feel it coming, as if I was already mentally prepared.


This is a familiar feeling, and let me just say first of all that I had hoped it wouldn't come to this.

TheCrimsonValley wrote:I've really tried, I really, really did while living with my parents for 3 whole months (his on top of a very turbulent and emotionally abusive 26 years of existence) before we could move out to our own place.


Remember that you put as much effort into making this work as you possibly could have, and far more effort than you should have been required to give as well. If you ever start getting haunted by feelings of guilt over this, or if your parents keep being shitty, this is not your fault. I have to remind myself of that every so often, though thankfully less often as time goes on.

TheCrimsonValley wrote:*My mother and father refusing to use my preferred name and pronouns. When confronted my mother straight out told me that she'll never see me as anything else than my assigned at birth gender and that she'll never call me another name.

*My father using my partners preferred name but then adding an angry "Or *deadname* as they should REALLY be called"

*Several times my family refusing to listen to my worries or even my confrontations about their behaviours, dismissing it as me being too sensitive and overreacting.


Oh god, that last one hits me especially in the feels. Each of these individually would be enough to burn that bridge with extreme amounts of napalm, but all three of those things together are truly horrifying.


TheCrimsonValley wrote:It sounds harsh to outer ears I know but I've finally come to the conclusion, with the help of friends and other supports that I am not a child to my parents, I am a possession. If I do what pleases them I get "love" in return.
It has been a horribly long process of gaslighting back and forth, of blaming the trouble on me, that I'm not "really" trans, that I can't be because "they never saw anything", completely ignoring the fact that my parents never "saw" that I was gravely depressed and suicidal either until I attempted to take my own life by which point they did not react with sympathy but with anger that I was "ruining" everything.


The fact that you have been able to persevere through all of that shows the strength that you carry, which will serve you well as you move forward and away from this toxic dynamic that you have been trapped in.

TheCrimsonValley wrote:It's going to be hard, really hard.


Yes, it will. Worth it, though.

TheCrimsonValley wrote:But by now I'm putting the ultimatum on my parents.
Either they can have their comfort zone and refuse to accept this and I'll let them, I can not change them or their views.
But if they choose that, then I am no longer their child. I have to move on with my life. I have a wonderful partner soon to be spouse, an education on the go and a life that I want and I can not have them dragging me down to a place where I'm depressed and might once more consider ending my existence because of the pain.
If they want comfort over loving their child, then that is their choice.


You have firmly placed the ball in their court. These are all good realizations on your part to have, and if things feel shitty for a while, focus on all the things you have going for you (a wonderful partner, an education, a life that you want) rather than the wretchedness you left behind when you cut them out.

TheCrimsonValley wrote:It's been good to read on these forums though, the suggestions and stories coming from everyone else, it is both heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time.
I hope I can update every now and then but until then, I have to really thank you guys for hearing me out <3


This is a difficult but worthwhile action you are taking, and I think you'll have the support of just about everyone here, myself absolutely included. If you ever need to vent, my PM inbox is always open.

Best of luck going forward, and I'll send you all the positive vibes I can muster.
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Re: Unsupportive parents

Postby pretendingimokay » Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:44 am

you're doing what i wish i could do - much props for that!

unsupportive parents really are disappointing. you really would think they would try to come around, if at least for the sake of their child, someone who they no doubt would have claimed many times to unconditionally love, but when it comes to being lgbt in any capacity (especially transgender), it's as if this unconditional love suddenly has a very blatant condition applied to it.

i don't get the thought process behind it. maybe it's because i've been through it (or well, going through it), but i just can't rationalize putting how you perceive your child over who they actually are and want to be.

but i figure some people are just self-centered in that way. good for you for standing up for yourself and your partner. it's tough and it won't be the happiest thing you've done, but i promise that you'll be infinitely happier along the road.
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