I am now seriously confused

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I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:25 am

After last nights dream, I just no longer understand myself.

I don't really know what I want any more. Or who I want it with.

I thought I wanted a man. Not that I've really been with one.

I don't consider myself to have been around during the marriage, but he sure seemed ok with women.

But after last nights dream, I think what I really want, is a person that really wants me.

What does it make me, if all I require is someone that wants me?

To be honest, after 9 months of dilating myself, just being penetrated by a penis is not going to be enough to excite me. It was fun to play with one the one time I was able to do so. But I just don't know if one has to be present.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby AbbyGray » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:26 am

Lesley Niyori wrote:What does it make me, if all I require is someone that wants me?



Human, that is what it makes you.
Try things out see what fits, you don't have to limit your self to one type of person.
You are attracted to who your are attracted to, people can't help that any more than we can with our genders.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:55 am

Thanks, Abby. Yeah, human, I think that is about where I'm angling for.

I think I need a new approach to dating. Somehow I need to address a first come first want me, for real, first get me approach.

Oddly enough, I've had lesbians attracted to me in the past.

I'm not sure what my good points really are. I know I make friends easily.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby AbbyGray » Sun Feb 04, 2018 12:06 pm

Well, making freands is a good point. Just get-out and be your self. True, it's easier said than done. I have always found that the best relationships came from being freands first.
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sun Feb 04, 2018 3:39 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:I don't really know what I want any more. Or who I want it with.
I thought I wanted a man. Not that I've really been with one.
But after last nights dream, I think what I really want, is a person that really wants me.

What does it make me, if all I require is someone that wants me?


" There is a person born, to help another person out of their distress. "
---Ancient Wise Proverb

I would hope that your needs could be addressed and satified by a strong, close friendship with someone, someone of either gender. It is just tiring to keep hearing comments of, " Want my man, Where is that perfect man, My Prince cometh, My boyfriend, where is he, Look at that man on the motorcycle, Where's the men's room ", etc., etc. It all seems so hopeless, and then in the end, having to read about it.

Well, making fr[ie]nds is a good point. Just get-out and be your self. True, it's easier said than done. I have always found that the best relationships came from being fr[ie]nds first.


Abby has a good point, an outlook that I would recommend to you. Instead of working the Internet lists of 'Plenty of Dead Fish', 'O.K. Goony', and the like, try and get out in public, try and be sociable, try to meet real people by volunteer work and the like. Maybe you will find that true friend after all. I wish you well, from Ponytails.
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:00 pm

Oh the internet is not my only method.

Trouble is, I live in the safest place on the North American continent.
No hurricanes, no floods, nor fires, no earthquakes, nothing.
The downside though, is all we have are welfare bums and senior citizens.
Lindsay Ontario, where your greatest fear is dying of boredom.

I'd move, but my techguru makes it brutally clear (thanks to his incredible internet skills), that the chances of me being able to afford anywhere else, is less than my chances of finding a relationship in this town.

I am actually quite sociable. I go to church (where everyone is in their 70s and older).
I'm in a book club (ladies from church).
I'm in a hobby club (all married old men).
I love to go for long walks daily (everyone in town knows me).

We have two sports bars, and a Legion and a Mooselodge location for nightlife dancing (dancing hehehe yeah right). The sports bars, well I suppose for 90 minutes during karaoke night they might have a chance to meet someone. The other two, unsure.

I'm only using "Plenty of bored housewives/introvert men' out of desperation.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CeliaEriksson » Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:56 pm

Wow Lesley,

I've only ever wanted, and achieved, the idea of being desirable and wanted, then the finality of being loved and returning that love to a man. But twice I have found that criteria fulfilled in my many years. Oh so many times I've found myself a complete shipwreck after..... well, you can guess, it does not matter. Yet such wants have never been without my mind.

Do whatever feelings you have matter? Embrace whatever feelings you have and go with them, it is only you that knows where to go, so go there.

Whatever your feelings, you are entitled to share them with us and I can assure you that one day, because you seek that person passionately and because I know that you are a get up and get out there person, one day soon you shall find your beau. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby dreamin » Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:17 pm

GET FUUUCCCKKKKKEEEDDDD

does it really matter w/ who :?:

don't answer, i don't care
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:30 pm

Well Dreamin', you might not care, but we might. I think that sometimes you are not a very nice person. If you have a problem please talk about it with us, rather than just being awful and rude. It's all I have to say at this time.
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby dreamin » Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:34 pm

CeliaEriksson wrote:Well Dreamin', you might not care, but we might. I think that sometimes you are not a very nice person. If you have a problem please talk about it with us, rather than just being awful and rude. It's all I have to say at this time.

no i like being awful and rude, the end<3
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CeliaEriksson » Mon Feb 05, 2018 5:42 pm

Pooh!
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Mon Feb 05, 2018 6:47 pm

dreamin' , Demon, and myself actually have many things in common, socially speaking.

The point of contention here and now being, if I am presenting it correctly, is the futility of clawing, scratching, and gnawing on the Internet dating sites, you know, Plenty of Garbage, O.K. Psyco, Christian Swindle, Craig's List of Real Losers, etc., etc. Then posting all about your disappointments and failures here on these boards with the " men " that one meets on such sites. A real turn-off, IMO, as maybe that being what dreamin' was illustrating.
dreamin' insight is always interesting.
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby dreamin » Mon Feb 05, 2018 7:46 pm

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:dreamin' , Demon, and myself actually have many things in common, socially speaking.

The point of contention here and now being, if I am presenting it correctly, is the futility of clawing, scratching, and gnawing on the Internet dating sites, you know, Plenty of Garbage, O.K. Psyco, Christian Swindle, Craig's List of Real Losers, etc., etc. Then posting all about your disappointments and failures here on these boards with the " men " that one meets on such sites. A real turn-off, IMO, as maybe that being what dreamin' was illustrating.
dreamin' insight is always interesting.

YES :!: you get me ty Ponytails... glad you like my POV hun, hope you're well! :mrgreen:
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:07 pm

Well, until I actually discover proof they're wrong, I can't really fault their comments, to be honest. Rude or otherwise.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Kim 0 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:09 pm

I admit that, after reading through this thread, I am (sincerely) slightly confooozed myself? :? Is this about wanting a relationship with a (any) man? Or is it about just wanting to get laid? Either one is completely fine in any event...I guess I'm just not getting something that's possibly lost in translation? Maybe I'm just tired...

On topic, I actually have something of the opposite "problem" currently, in that at this point in life, I actually have zero interest in having any kind relationship. I am quite happy just with my own company while I figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Ironically, there are a couple of people that are in my vague social circle that seem quite romantically interested in me. It's not anything serious or worrisome and neither one seems like stalker-ish or potential psycho material, but it is rather odd. :|

I guess we all have our crosses to bear in our own way(s). Life is just weird as hell, I guess.
I think I'm actually a sane woman trapped in a lunatics brain.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby dreamin » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:21 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:I can't really fault their comments

hell YES you could fault my comment luv! :D by all means, it deserves your scorn at minimum (sorry, i can't be bothered to even scroll up and see what i wrote for reference)

Kim 0 wrote:Is this about wanting a relationship with a (any) man?

can't speak for op (of whom i can't remember, again my apathy says that's too far up in the thread right now), but my offering on the subject was just the result of exacerbation... it likely came across as me being the sort to cheerfully turn trix on every gent within a 100 mile radius tho ...slutastical (and sore) ...as it were
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Kim 0 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:59 pm

dreamin wrote: again my apathy says that's too far up in the thread right now)


You may very well already know this, since you seem pretty techy...but you can actually hit the HOME key on keyboard and it will auto-jump to the top of any page you're on. :mrgreen: I am not some tech genius: I only recently discovered this myself after years of scrolling scrolling scrolling. It was like a quasi-religious experience. :o

me being the sort to cheerfully turn trix on every gent within a 100 mile radius tho ...slutastical (and sore) ...as it were


I would expect nothing less of you! :P (and I mean that in a good way, of course) :mrgreen:
I think I'm actually a sane woman trapped in a lunatics brain.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:13 pm

Kim 0 wrote:I admit that, after reading through this thread, I am (sincerely) slightly confooozed myself? :? Is this about wanting a relationship with a (any) man? Or is it about just wanting to get laid? Either one is completely fine in any event...I guess I'm just not getting something that's possibly lost in translation? Maybe I'm just tired...

On topic, I actually have something of the opposite "problem" currently, in that at this point in life, I actually have zero interest in having any kind relationship. I am quite happy just with my own company while I figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Ironically, there are a couple of people that are in my vague social circle that seem quite romantically interested in me. It's not anything serious or worrisome and neither one seems like stalker-ish or potential psycho material, but it is rather odd. :|

I guess we all have our crosses to bear in our own way(s). Life is just weird as hell, I guess.


No, not with 'any man', I meant any human. I'm unsure if I'd even turn away a female any more.

No, it's not about getting laid. I couldn't care less about getting laid. I've never had sex as me, so I'm not even able to comment on sex. No point of reference.

I'm just tired of the seemingly pointless search.

I've tried searching as openly transgender on typically hetero dating sites, and as just woman on the same sites. I've tried dating on sites supposedly for transgender specifically.
And it seems two things are painfully apparent of the hetero sites. 1. the sites only exist to take money from the gullible people willing to give the dating sites money, and 2. fakes that either exist to scam suckers out of money, or bored underappreciated wives and introverted men who just want to talk.
As for the transgender sites, they are actually not transgender sites, they are sites for transsexuals who are ok with gay men only wanting them for essentially gay sex (because two male bodies ain't much else), and it's clearly about the sex and not meaningful relationships.

So I've basically altered my approach to be looking for the first decent human, willing to offer a meaningful relationship, wins.

I have no real idea if a man is better than a woman right now.
I've never had either as me.

But it's having a rough effect on my spirit wondering if there is anyone at all out there for me male or female. I'm feeling categorically unwanted.

And I'm tired of my well-meaning buddy prattling on and on about "God's love".
If His love was so all-fired powerful, you'd think he could at least direct SOME attention my way eh.
I'm getting tired of what seems like lackluster dedication.

Some people like being alone.
Some people, like my friend, just plain hate men.

I'm not one of them.

Yeah, I think I'd pick the gorgeous cowboy, over a woman.
I think.
I don't really know anymore.
Not that it matters.
There ain't any cowboys around here.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Kim 0 » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:01 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:I'm just tired of the seemingly pointless search.


Alright, fair enough, Lesley. I read your whole post and so you know, I wasn't making fun of you or making light of your situation. I was genuinely just a little baffled by it all. I don't really know you that well (yet) so I certainly wasn't criticizing you or your approach. :)

There ain't any cowboys around here.


On this though, I would politely agree to disagree. There are definitely still cowboys out there in this crazy world we all share. Some quite handsome and interesting ones at that, too. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer other than that maybe we only find what we're looking for when we stop (actively) seeking it out. Life is funny like that, you know?

I think the French have some saying that goes (something like): "So goes life, so goes love, so goes war, so goes the way of the world". I wish you nothing but peace, safety & Good Luck on your Journey. :)
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby dreamin » Tue Feb 06, 2018 2:54 am

Kim 0 wrote:I would expect nothing less of you! :P (and I mean that in a good way, of course) :mrgreen:

ooOOoohhh so you DO think i've got an absolute gaping *MAW* of an anal pussy from every bloke in town teaming up, patiently waiting their turn in groups, and then quad-cocking me into oblivion, eh Kimbo :?: well, fortunately the only things i've got that are wide & voracious are my appetite around my favorite meals, and today's imagination courtesy of a medium-grade depression, the results of which i so graciously shared with each. and. every. one-of-u ...SO very freely<3

Kim 0 wrote:...we only find what we're looking for when we stop (actively) seeking it out. Life is funny like that, you know?

totally agree with this^ sentiment :!: ...and i didn't even have to overexert by clicking the HOME key to find it. the nugget-wisdom of the thread came directly to my browser's viewport, as the universe saw to it
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Papillon » Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:30 am

One of the paradoxes of being transfem is that by definition we are forced to get men that are not entirely cis-normative (of you are into men to begin with). In other words, if you identify as and feel like a woman, it only stands to reason that you might be a person who prefers a straight'-shootin hetero guy that wants the woman in you, but you have to be content with someone not a binary as that. It may not float your boat, and I could understand why any attraction from them in terms of non-vanilla preference could be a turn'off.
Fear is the mind killer.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Joyliss » Sun May 06, 2018 9:28 am

[quote="Lesley Niyori"]After last nights dream, I just no longer understand myself.

I don't really know what I want any more. Or who I want it with.

I thought I wanted a man. Not that I've really been with one.

I don't consider myself to have been around during the marriage, but he sure seemed ok with women.

But after last nights dream, I think what I really want, is a person that really wants me.

What does it make me, if all I require is someone that wants me?

To be honest, after 9 months of dilating myself, just being penetrated by a penis is not going to be enough to excite me. It was fun to play with one the one time I was able to do so. But I just don't know if one has to be present.[/quote]
I don't really have anything figured out myself so this probably means very little, but I don't think all you require is someone that wants is all you require I figure more than anything that's likely just your starting point for figuring out more if they don't want you its guaranteed to not last and the other things that don't work for you are discovered over time of being with someone that wants you
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby REM1126 » Sun May 06, 2018 9:54 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:After last nights dream, I just no longer understand myself.

I don't really know what I want any more. Or who I want it with.

I thought I wanted a man. Not that I've really been with one.

I don't consider myself to have been around during the marriage, but he sure seemed ok with women.

But after last nights dream, I think what I really want, is a person that really wants me.

I don't mean any of this accusatory or hostile; I am just trying to understand:

How old are you? I thought you were, like, six years old or something (not physically, I understand that your body is older).

Maybe, I misunderstood some sort of metaphor. Maybe you were speaking poetically. But, I tried to make sure that I wasn't misunderstanding, and you seemed to be leading me to believe that emotionally and psychologically you are a six year old girl in a grown person's body; and that you remember nothing of life before six years ago. If that is the case, you don't need to have any sexual relationships with anyone at all. You aren't mature enough to handle it.

What am I not getting here? Are you emotionally and psychologically an adult or a child? :oops:
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sat May 12, 2018 10:21 am

REM1126 wrote:I don't mean any of this accusatory or hostile; I am just trying to understand:

How old are you? I thought you were, like, six years old or something . . . .

Maybe, I misunderstood some sort of metaphor. Maybe you were speaking poetically. But, I tried to make sure that I wasn't misunderstanding, and you seemed to be leading me to believe that emotionally and psychologically you are a six year old girl in a grown person's body; and that you remember nothing of life before six years ago. If that is the case, you don't need to have any sexual relationships with anyone at all. You aren't mature enough to handle it.

What am I not getting here? Are you emotionally and psychologically an adult or a child? ( italics and underline mine )


Lesley has come to this community three times now, each time claiming to be a real, honest child. Nothing wrong with that, as I myself at select times and occasions portray myself as a twelve year old teen/tween. But then practically all Lesley talked about is being romantically and sexually with men, crying all the time that a man is not making love to her. That kind of attribute and longing is definitely beyond that of an innocent child. Someone here was able to finally point that out to her with the realization and hypocrisy only then sinking in to her mind and heart. Lesley became offended at the stripping away of her child-like personality to reveal a sex-starved adult underneath, and promptly left. If she returns, it will be sojourn number 4.
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby REM1126 » Sat May 12, 2018 11:23 pm

I didn’t mean to cause her to leave. I merely was expressing my own confusion over her apparent confusion.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Sun May 13, 2018 8:23 am

REM1126 wrote:I didn’t mean to cause her to leave. I merely was expressing my own confusion over her apparent confusion.


You did nothing wrong, IMO, REM.
If a person is so very insistent that they walk around out in public wearing " The Emperor's New Clothes ", when they are actually naked, then someone has to point out the necessary realization and hypocrisy for their own well being. If they choose to still walk around naked, then that is on them. If they choose to leave, to walk around naked in the next city over, that is there prerogative. You did nothing wrong !
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby REM1126 » Mon May 14, 2018 8:46 pm

This is a "support" site. We are supposed to support each other through our trials and tribulations. Sometimes, I have difficulty knowing how to "be supportive" and "help" people.

When people say internally inconsistent things, do you bring that to their attention and hope that this helps them see it? Or, does "support" require you to indulge whatever random and disconnected inconsistencies they lay out?

I have seen people come here and make all sorts of outrageous claims, which were wholly inconsistent to the point that anyone paying attention would be quite sure that at least a lot of it was fantasy. And, I have seen others call "Bull Shit" and call the person a liar. I wasn't trying to do that. But, I am not sure that is "unsupportive" of being trans. I think maybe it is just unsupportive of being full of ..__it.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Mon May 14, 2018 9:16 pm

Update on men for me.

I have stopped trying to understand them. They don't make sense to me.
I don't understand the urges. They make me uncomfortable.
I have given up on dating, finally, completely in totality.
I don't care if I ever experience sex with a man.

I have decided, and you can call it 'weird' or anything you like, to just say I'm married to my teddy bear Frank.
No, it's not real, or legal. So what.
If someone said Lesley, I'll pay the fee, I'd in a heartbeat fill out the forms and change my name to Lesley Bear.
Then I could show them my wedding ring (it's not a real wedding ring, but sure looks like one), and say "I'm Mrs. Bear", and then show them my ID, "see, my name is Bear". And explain my maiden name was Niyori.
But finding a spare 200 bucks won't come easy in MY life eh.

Resolving to call Frank my husband has had the advantage of calming me down, making me not want to date, because after all, I'm a married woman, and protect myself from what was becoming a problematic obsession.

I no longer dilate. Why bother. I will never need a vaginal canal. My husband Frank, he's a teddy bear eh. Think about it. Try not to think too much though. Don't over think it eh. Frank will never cheat, never leave me. Never be abusive to me. He's better than any human man. Ok, so he never pays for the meal. I can deal with that. He doesn't take up all the bed, never steals the covers. Doesn't leave a mess in the bathroom. He likes my music, is ok watching TV with me, always likes what I like. Enjoys shopping with me. Reads with me. I'm wondering why I tried so hard to find a human man. What can they do that Frank can't? Aside from make me sweaty and covered in man stuff. And I'm not sure I consider that a plus. My romance novels likely exaggerate. Yeah, Frank doesn't say much. But he seems to communicate fine. Hey, I have actually had discussions with him, I think. Well, I've changed my mind on a few things before while talking to him. And he listens to me.

I don't care if this makes me sound kooky. Someday I hope to finish my book that has me married to him and having kids with him eh. And when that book makes me rich and famous, I don't think I will care much if people think I'm odd.

If some here can't really understand me, it's not like I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe it's not me, but the limitation of those that can't understand me. I'm speaking proper well articulated English eh. You so-called 'adults' are supposed to be capable enough. Don't blame me if you still don't get it.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Joyliss » Mon May 14, 2018 9:49 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:Update on men for me.

I have stopped trying to understand them. They don't make sense to me.
I don't understand the urges. They make me uncomfortable.
I have given up on dating, finally, completely in totality.
I don't care if I ever experience sex with a man.

I have decided, and you can call it 'weird' or anything you like, to just say I'm married to my teddy bear Frank.
No, it's not real, or legal. So what.
If someone said Lesley, I'll pay the fee, I'd in a heartbeat fill out the forms and change my name to Lesley Bear.
Then I could show them my wedding ring (it's not a real wedding ring, but sure looks like one), and say "I'm Mrs. Bear", and then show them my ID, "see, my name is Bear". And explain my maiden name was Niyori.
But finding a spare 200 bucks won't come easy in MY life eh.

Resolving to call Frank my husband has had the advantage of calming me down, making me not want to date, because after all, I'm a married woman, and protect myself from what was becoming a problematic obsession.

I no longer dilate. Why bother. I will never need a vaginal canal. My husband Frank, he's a teddy bear eh. Think about it. Try not to think too much though. Don't over think it eh. Frank will never cheat, never leave me. Never be abusive to me. He's better than any human man. Ok, so he never pays for the meal. I can deal with that. He doesn't take up all the bed, never steals the covers. Doesn't leave a mess in the bathroom. He likes my music, is ok watching TV with me, always likes what I like. Enjoys shopping with me. Reads with me. I'm wondering why I tried so hard to find a human man. What can they do that Frank can't? Aside from make me sweaty and covered in man stuff. And I'm not sure I consider that a plus. My romance novels likely exaggerate. Yeah, Frank doesn't say much. But he seems to communicate fine. Hey, I have actually had discussions with him, I think. Well, I've changed my mind on a few things before while talking to him. And he listens to me.

I don't care if this makes me sound kooky. Someday I hope to finish my book that has me married to him and having kids with him eh. And when that book makes me rich and famous, I don't think I will care much if people think I'm odd.

If some here can't really understand me, it's not like I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe it's not me, but the limitation of those that can't understand me. I'm speaking proper well articulated English eh. You so-called 'adults' are supposed to be capable enough. Don't blame me if you still don't get it.

Sigh* I'm sure this is going to come across mean and if you find no value in what I have to say feel free to ignore me. However I don't think many can understand you since you don't seem to understand you from everyones commentary I gather your consistently conflicted on who you are and what you want for your life. I'd say grow up but being you see yourself as a child I feel that unlikely. So I'll put it this way instead you're merely throwing a tantrum from something not going your way so you're looking for attention. Ya your weird and kinda kooky but that's irrelevant many are odd. You however while you seem nice enough for that I've seen but you also tailspinning and making decisions on a dime. So I recommend instead of loving your teddy bear you learn to love you and come to grips with whatever it is about you that you're at war with. As mean as this likely is for you to hear I just don't see acting on impulse helping you nor do I feel you'll be happy with the you storm through your life. Just something for you to think about. Not meaning to be cruel or rude but see it how you want I guess. In the meantime you seem to have people who have genuine concern for you in this forum maybe talk to them if you need a starting point for caring about yourself
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby REM1126 » Mon May 14, 2018 10:05 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:Update on men for me.

I have given up on dating, finally, completely in totality.
I don't care if I ever experience sex with a man.

I have decided, and you can call it 'weird' or anything you like, to just say I'm married to my teddy bear Frank.
No, it's not real, or legal. So what.

There is no insult here intended AT ALL.

OK, now that DOES sound like the response of a 6 year old child. When she was that age, my step daughter wanted to marry me, but her mother jumped in and told her that she wouldn't let her take me away from her, and that she would need to find someone else.

You probably need some time to yourself without dating to start to feel like a mature woman. Have friends, hang out with them, learn yourself. Then, perhaps you will want what other grownups want.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Joyliss » Tue May 15, 2018 7:49 am

REM1126 wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:Update on men for me.

I have given up on dating, finally, completely in totality.
I don't care if I ever experience sex with a man.

I have decided, and you can call it 'weird' or anything you like, to just say I'm married to my teddy bear Frank.
No, it's not real, or legal. So what.

There is no insult here intended AT ALL.

OK, now that DOES sound like the response of a 6 year old child. When she was that age, my step daughter wanted to marry me, but her mother jumped in and told her that she wouldn't let her take me away from her, and that she would need to find someone else.

You probably need some time to yourself without dating to start to feel like a mature woman. Have friends, hang out with them, learn yourself. Then, perhaps you will want what other grownups want.

Ok that was said in a far nicer thing than I had said so if she bolts don't feel guilty you can blame me if you'd like. Just saying
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Tue May 15, 2018 8:46 am

No. I'm not throwing a tantrum.
Your conclusion is more indicative of you have to have it your way than mine actually.
You need for it to be me having a tantrum.
I'm not seeing you as mean, more like obtuse.
As for looking for attention, well, it would be kind of pointless to join a forum, if we didn't want the attention.
Thus, your claim I am merely seeking attention is flawed.
Why are you here if not to be noticed?
I already love me. Enough that I went through the transition to be me. And all of the ordeal connected.
I realize you are having trouble with the teddy bear thing. Keep in mind, that is YOUR difficulty, not mine.
Yeah, I've been known to change my mind on things. It's better than being mindlessly inflexible.
I actually have a large swath of friends. They're more worried that I put myself at risk being my real self too publicly in front of judgemental persons. They're not interested in making me not be me, just where I do it.

I'm not in a hurry to have what 'grownups' have. It's not as valuable as you think.

I've made my choice regarding men. They had their chance. It was probable I wasn't ready. It might be to my advantage nothing ever came from dating. Even if at the time it was frustrating. I will never know. Because I've made my choice. Everyone that seriously knows me, knows I'm not kidding. Anyone that can't get it, likely also doesn't care enough to try harder. I'm fully aware of the limitations of my marriage. I'm also fully aware of what it's like to date as a transgender woman. I'm fully cognizant of the realities of being a transgender woman when it comes to a range of issues, like having kids. I'm never going to have a baby. Then again, I'm also fully aware that a person in a 56-year-old body ain't going to be having a baby for just that reason as well.
The main benefit of marrying a human man simply isn't part of the picture with me. I'm not having his children. And being transgender, in this society, means I can sure kiss goodbye being chosen to adopt. So not going to happen. So holding out for a human man is a wasted effort.

So you can sit there and do your best to judge my actions as long as you wish, and your best likely will be insufficient.

I'm not throwing a tantrum.
I'm dealing with a very complex, very confounding, very out of the blue totally from left field condition that is way outside of the norm here. I was not given the predominant transgender experience. I was not aware of something 'out of place' during my body's original youth. Well, then again, maybe I was, and my reaction is the problem. Perhaps I have simply been a victim of my own refusal to accept something I couldn't deal with at that time. Either way, in 2012 the lie fell apart. The cover-up failed. I got rid of the fake.
But I haven't had memories suddenly come rushing in. I have spent all of my transition, making up for lost time, as if the clock was turned back. I know it is 2018. I know my body was made in 1962. And I don't recall doing anything as me prior to 2012.

Your failure to accept that as truth is your own failure. I'm telling you, I have 6 years of experiences as me.
Inside of an older woman's body, that sadly had to be considerably rebuilt. I have skills and knowledge that simply are there. They're handy. It's like being born rich. You didn't make the money you enjoy, but you don't mind having it and using it. If I sound a lot smarter than a 6-year-old, fine, I 'sound' a lot smarter than a 6-year-old. But I am benefiting from a couple of close friends that see to it my 6-year-old behaviour doesn't harm me. They have coached me on what to say and what not to say on my Facebook page in public. Because I am often totally unaware of what might not be a good idea. Actually, I can see him now "Lesley, why are you even discussing it with these people on TGBoards, they don't really care about you, you should just stop talking to them". He might even be right.

I'm happy being Mrs. Bear eh.
I'm actually glad I've finally gotten that small part of me on board with all of this.
No, I'm not interested in finding some random sent by life person in the future.
When I look around me, and I see how many persons I know who are single moms. Or divorced moms. Or moms that have husbands they regret having. I'm glad I managed to have a son earlier. I'm glad that's behind me. I'm kinda happy my son has a girlfriend, and she has a 3-year-old daughter (not by him though). I'm ok with the idea of getting to be called granny later if I'm lucky.
I don't think it is a problem that my husband is a teddy bear.
I think it's neat.
I think it is ok he will always be the same man I married.
I'm not concerned that my marriage isn't official.
I'm aware how valuable an official marriage really is. "To love honour and obey, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others in thought word and deed, till death do us part...... or until one of us is no longer worth it, or I change my mind" That's really how it should be worded eh.
Yeah, like being officially married is so special.

I'm just as married as I was to a human for 27 years. I can actually say I might be even more married.
My ex never argued with me ya know. She talked only barely more than Frank does.
Humans can be overrated.

Anyways, don't go thinking I'm reacting too fast. Don't be presuming I'm in some sort of tailspin here.
Some people are simply decisive. Some people are actually able to commit that easily.
Some people can make course corrections that readily.
Some people can admit they might have been wrong, and they simply change their situation to correct it.

I don't envy you adults.
I sometimes get annoyed with myself for not understanding some things.
But I don't envy your inflexible lack of wonder, damaged innocence, and broken imaginations.
Life has killed off the fun in you.
I pity you for it.

Oh, and I didn't bolt last time. A moderator made it plain I couldn't stay.
I have since learned stuff about myself.
I'm having less trouble with my age issues.
Not saying they have all gone away though.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Joyliss » Tue May 15, 2018 11:01 am

Oh I don't need have it my way I'm merely attempting to give constructive criticism. If you want to marry teddy go ahead. My view isn't shaped by your weird ms. Bear idea that's fine. My view is shaped by how you come across and from interpreting everyone elses response to you that you seem to be in constant conflict you get somewhat emotional. Then make impulse decisions that haven't met to your satisfaction thus you're doing so again. As for the everyone seeking attention eh kinda? Yes everyone is seeking to interact with others learn and figure things out. However they do not all storm in call attention to themselves to force spotlight on to their lives in the heat of every little moment. However if that's what you wish to do and this holds no value to then feel free to ignore me and pursue what you believe will make you happy. It's your life and advice is just something to think about and follow if you wish
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Tue May 15, 2018 1:49 pm

Well, there is no 'go ahead and marry my teddy bear' it's an already past tense situation.

I did.

Sadly though, it's troublesome just in that people think it is 'weird'.

I'd rather you developed your conclusions of me though based on my comments, and not the reactions of others.

There ARE some on the forum here, that I couldn't care less about. And that includes their comments. Which in some cases are unwanted and occasionally offensive.

My entire life has been in 'conflict' to a point. Comes from being born transgender.

It is also troubling that you perceive me as 'storming in'. Not even sure how you arrived at those thoughts.

I'm not new to the internet game. I'm not new to forums. I'm also aware of the drastic limitations text-only communications enforces. I'm fully aware that some people simply can't communicate efficiently without the rest of human elements to discussion, body language, tone etc.

It is a telling comment, that in all of my transition of several years, the BIGGEST assholes I have experienced whilst online, have been transgender persons. Not religious fanatics, not red necks, not closed minded old people. Transgender people.

I never came here thinking the entire forum membership was going to be a swarm of kumbayah singing fuzzy warm friendship.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Joyliss » Tue May 15, 2018 2:53 pm

Eh I wouldn't worry about my finding anything weird my opinion is really not that important just a pov. I have. I have little of your talk to judge you off of so I read what you sound like then read other people's to get a better idea of you. That's not entirely accurate but it does usually get one closer at any rate congratulations on your wedding may you two have a happy future together
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Tue May 15, 2018 4:36 pm

Lesley has come to this community three times now, each time claiming to be a real, honest child. Nothing wrong with that, as I myself at select times and occasions portray myself as a twelve year old teen/tween.

Lesley became offended at the stripping away of her child-like personality to reveal a sex-starved adult underneath, and promptly left. If she returns, it will be sojourn number 4.


And so begins Sojourn Number 4 . . . .
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Tue May 15, 2018 5:38 pm

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:
Lesley has come to this community three times now, each time claiming to be a real, honest child. Nothing wrong with that, as I myself at select times and occasions portray myself as a twelve year old teen/tween.

Lesley became offended at the stripping away of her child-like personality to reveal a sex-starved adult underneath, and promptly left. If she returns, it will be sojourn number 4.


And so begins Sojourn Number 4 . . . .


A. no one removed anything from me.
B. sex starved?
c. I did leave, I was told I couldn't stay.

Cute but looks pregnant eh. how about too fucking ugly to use her actual picture in an avatar. You neither look cute nor pregnant. Merely fat and old and balding.

You want to be mean, fine, don't expect me to be any less.

I sure didn't come back here to hang out with you.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Bea » Tue May 15, 2018 5:47 pm

:lol: going for a ban this time, I see.
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Tue May 15, 2018 7:34 pm

Bea wrote::lol: going for a ban this time, I see.


You are usually right on the money, Bea. Hold on to you hats, folks, we're in for a bumpy ride, 'cause a tiger doesn't change their stripes.
"My family as begged me to shame not the name of Romeo, but thy male will commit suicide, and die. I will then take thy holy name of Juliet, and be baptized anew as a cute teen girl!"

-Juliet, from Romeo&Juliet, Ep6: Wondering Son anime
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby REM1126 » Tue May 15, 2018 11:25 pm

Lesley Niyori wrote:My entire life has been in 'conflict' to a point. Comes from being born transgender.


I thought you said you never had any idea that you were TG until 6 years ago, and that it came out of the blue. First of all, if you cannot remember anything at all before 6 years ago, how do you know that you were or were not TG the whole time? You can't remember anything, right? And, therefore, what leads you to believe that you have been TG since birth?
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed May 16, 2018 4:13 am

Bea wrote::lol: going for a ban this time, I see.


Oh like you think you'd be something I'd regret losing access to?
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed May 16, 2018 4:16 am

CuteButLooksPregnant wrote:
Bea wrote::lol: going for a ban this time, I see.


You are usually right on the money, Bea. Hold on to you hats, folks, we're in for a bumpy ride, 'cause a tiger doesn't change their stripes.


Yah, you were a fake person with a not real name yesterday, and a not real picture of your not real self as well.

What, you think you can't be the real self on this forum?

Why should anyone here give a damn about you anyway?

What proof does anyone here have that you are really transgender eh?

I've met chasers of all sorts on the internet. Losers that just want to pretend to be something they're not.

And you think you're better than me?
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby Lesley Niyori » Wed May 16, 2018 4:21 am

REM1126 wrote:
Lesley Niyori wrote:My entire life has been in 'conflict' to a point. Comes from being born transgender.


I thought you said you never had any idea that you were TG until 6 years ago, and that it came out of the blue. First of all, if you cannot remember anything at all before 6 years ago, how do you know that you were or were not TG the whole time? You can't remember anything, right? And, therefore, what leads you to believe that you have been TG since birth?


Your reading skills are worthless clearly.

I had no idea I even existed until 6 years ago. Which is why I have no personal memories earlier than 2012.
I have random memories left behind from him. Which I have only recently been understanding anything about.

Maybe I should keep my posts shorter so some of you don't suffer such difficulty in keeping track.

Why am I even wasting time conversing with artificial individuals anyway?

REM, what sort of name is that. What's wrong with your real face?
Don't feed me some crap about security issues. If you aren't safe here, I suggest you get off the internet entirely.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
I'm not here for anyone that can't control their need to be antisocial.
Treat me well, I treat you well. Treat me poorly, it won't be welcome.
sukunai.ni.yori@hotmail.com
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Re: I am now seriously confused

Postby nexyjo » Wed May 16, 2018 9:41 am

I think this thread is going in a poor direction. I'm going to close it before it gets even worse.
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