PTSD thread.

Significant Others, Family, and Friends

PTSD thread.

Postby Demon » Wed Mar 14, 2018 6:29 pm

So I was doing some graphics art, I saw this netting thing. The netting reminded me of a girl's hot leggings, a specific girl to be exact and I fantasized worshipping her legs, her legs so sexy full of nettings. But then I remembered the girl invited me to a party once, with her friend. It was totally bogus, her friend was giving me signs she liked me so I went to kiss her, then she told me she didn't like me like that. And then, the other girl, with the leggings, was giving me signs a week earlier, so later that night I went to hug her and she wouldn't let me hug her. But I will tell you the worst part about it that gives me PTSD. I walk into the room and all the girls are cuddling with each other and lezzing it out. But they tell me I'm not allowed, implying I am a boy and only girls are allowed to lez it out with each other. Now here's the thing about it, I was wearing makeup and they knew I was trans, yet still did not fully accept me with the other girls, like I was a Rosa Parks to sit on the back of the bus while everyone else gets to have a good time. This traumatizing scene plays out in my head over and over, that was my one chance to get laid and I was randomly born a boy and society treats me like shit because I don't have a female body, and they just rub it in that I am a boy like a double whammy of misery and rage. And then to rub in my anger, society tells me I am strong tall and handsome and so I should have a girlfriend already, when actually being strong and tall is what kept me from getting laid in the first place, if I was short and petite I'd be accepted by them already. So them telling me that just loops over and over, and the scene loops over and over about how I can never get laid and just unwanted and rejected because I was born into a male body and males are treated like shit by society. Except these crossdressers and transwomen who are more petite than me, who can get laid 24/7 but I can't. Then some alpha males tell me if I just man up I will get laid, but then I remember all the crossdressers and transwomen who get laid with the women I loved and I can't, and it fills me with jealous rage. And then I think about my tall transwoman friend who got laid 24/7 as a college kid, and I'm like, that was supposed to be my college party where I finally got laid, and yet I didn't get laid, yet my transwoman friend could get laid 24/7. The jealousy and insanity loops in my mind over and over again 24/7. And my transfriend tells me I am such a loving person with a good sex drive, it is such a crying shame noone appreciates me because I'd such a good lover and its so sad I cannot ever experience love. And then it loops in my mind over and over and I can't work or concentrate, I just get filled with misery, rage, anger and PTSD. Earlier when I was a kid I'd read Spiderman comics and I'd say the Hulk is such a brute and caveman and say I cannot believe how someone would act like that, and I looked down on him, I said I would never be like that. But now, I see the truth, we cannot escape our fate, he cannot escape his fate and I see the truth of the world, that it is a shit Twilight Zone of shit and garbage, now I understand that we are victims of this world and now I understand the Hulk has no choice, now I understand the rage, like Two-Face I cannot escape my fate and am trapped in this sick sad world.

Now, the girls I talked about earlier, they were bi. And it's like, I'm not man enough to compete with their boyfriends, and not female enough to be accepted into their lezbo circles, so no matter what I lose and get hosed. If you aren't part of the cis gender norms noone treats you like other people. It's all such total bullshit and this world sucks. The city I live in looks like trash. The human race makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. And its a curse and rigged. For instance I go to this liquor store once a week, and they have hot porno magazines, but I was so bitter I never wanted to buy any. But then a year later I decide I finally want to buy one, and when I go to the liquor store its out of business, like I am in the Twilight Zone. And then it's like, sometimes I go to trans group therapy and hear these rich passing transwomen with 190 iq's about their lives, how they whine about having too many women and boyfriends. Meanwhile my IQ barely above 150 and I don't pass and I am poor and I can't get a job as some elite scientist programmer like they can because I don't have a 190 IQ. And then they lecture me about how sex is not that important, that it makes up two percent of your life. It's like dude sex makes up 0 percent of my life so even that would be an improvement. It's like you have a loving wife and two boyfriends, yet if I want to have sex its taboo and you say I need to focus on other things in my life...Yeah right talk about hypocrit. It's like dude I have other hobbies besides sex, but the fact noone loves me makes me depressed and interferes with me enjoying some of my hobbies. Understand? Jesus christ its like I'm in some kind of Twilight Zone of insanity where noone understands this basic stuff. It's like Im a human I need sex and intimacy, but they all pretend like sex and intimacy doesn't matter and we are all a bunch of robots of the Twilight Zone.

But for the rest of you, trying to help, I will not rage. I know you all are just trying to help me, so I will try to be like Spock with no emotions. You tell me if I am just positive good things will come to me. As spock I respond that that is illogical. There are several instances when I have been nice and positive and tried to open my heart to someone, and had them ruin my day. Therefore it is illogical to place all the blame on me. Futhermore, there are other instances where I have tried to be positive, but others have been slowly negative towards me. For instance one time I was positive around this woman, and she responded by trying to "cure" me from being trans, she said she wanted to date me, but only if I became a "real man". Therefore, it is often others which dictate the positivity or negativity of a situation for me. Other times, I try to maintain a positive communications with someone, but they simply ignore me or respond to me in a hostile manner. Other times, there are girls I have feelings for, and some of these girls also have feelings for me, but they are most always usually dating someone else, since the law of averages indicate that desirable women are highly sought after, and thus in scarity. It is also indicated, that no certain amount of positivity will suddenly change that fact and cause a woman to leave her own relationship to spend more time with me. Therefore, after many years of observations, I would conclude that simply being positive, is not a complete or reliable solution to fix this negative situation that I am trapped within.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: PTSD thread.

Postby Demon » Fri Mar 16, 2018 1:48 pm

continuation of ptsd thread
PS: The other thing I forgot to mention is this. I have PTSD and I told my therapists before but they didn't believe me. They would just say, only soldiers have PTSD and since I was never in the war in Iraq I can't have PTSD. They just brush me off and don't take it seriously. So I will tell them this which I never told them before. I have PTSD because of all the abuse and trauma I've been given by society. All the weird looks and hate I gotten for trying to be who I want to be. Betrayed and not accepted by friends and family. And being treated unfairly and as an outsider. And my PTSD is so bad that sometimes I will just blank out, and the memories of me being rejected and hurt will make me blank out of reality. In real life people will be talking to me and I don't even know they are talking to me, because my PTSD is so bad that my negative memories make me blank out of reality. And when I go back into reality I yell and snap at people like a soldier of PTSD. And it's like that sound effect of movies where real life voices are barely audible and you can only focus on a negative trauma, then the real life voices slowly become audible exponentially, and then you just yell at them for being annoying and ask them "WHAT???". Also, I think the PTSD is damaging my ability to transition, Its like I want to be a woman, but my brain associates the transition as the cause of my trauma. So it's like there are two seperate things, my want to be a woman, and my want to transition. I want to be a woman but my transition is the cause of my PTSD, thus I am afraid of it.

PS2:
More twilight zone shit.
Go into therapy for ptsd. PTSD ad on radio. (Been to therapy 1000 times an no ptsd ads except now.)
So like I'm in the matrix or some supernatural rigged reality. I am 100% sure now this world is supernatural.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: PTSD thread.

Postby kupkeix » Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:54 am

I read your posts Demon because I can relate to you. Your psychiatrist is whack telling you only soldiers can have PTSD but it sounds like what you are describing is more like CPTSD because it's not from just the past. And the zoning out you describe sounds like dissociation. As for those women you tried to get close to...well the one you kissed, maybe asking first would have been a lesser rejection than trying to read the signals and go for it. But people are allowed to have preferences and if you are attracted to mostly lesbians be prepared for rejection. :? I would never say sex and affection is not important. I'm not asexual so it is important to me. Everyone wants to feel loved..the corny truth is it starts with loving yourself or the rest is meaningless physical getting off at best. Some of what you say, the self deprecation, can be triggering to read though. Your psychiatrist is flat out dismissive as to what trauma actually is. Being trans or nonbinary, whether we medically or socially transition or not, can be a very traumatic life to live. Some people suck, I hope you can find ones who don't like your friend who thinks you are loving and worthy of love. Might as well be the most comfortable you can in your own self because at the end of the day that is who you have to live with. You might be angry and full of rage either way...but will you regret your life more one way or the other is the bottom line question?
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Re: PTSD thread.

Postby nexyjo » Mon Mar 26, 2018 2:57 pm

For what it's worth, I think every trans person suffers from some degree of PTSD. I believe it comes with the territory.
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Re: PTSD thread.

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:27 pm

Demon wrote:They would just say, only soldiers have PTSD and since I was never in the war in Iraq I can't have PTSD.

Those counselors/therapist know nothing about PTSD.

I suffer from PTSD, but not because I am a Transwoman. I suffer from Survivor's Guilt because I came home from Vietnam and I have friends and schoolmates who didn't. I have a friend, a close schoolmate, who didn't lose his life, or an arm of a leg, or any injury to his body. He lost his soul in Vietnam - and he has not found it again and, yes, he has PTSD.

While I was in a combat zone, I like most everyone else who was in Vietnam, didn't see direct combat. I was on an aircraft carrier and we were called to General Quarters (Battle Stations) only once and our launch ready F-4 destroyed the four attacking North Vietnamese gunboats in very short order. (There were other ways to die on an aircraft carrier in a combat zone - look up the ship boards fires on the 1967 Forrestal CVA-59 - 134 lilled/161 injured and the 1966 Oriskany CVA-36 - 44 dead/156 injured [I personally saw this one from my ship the day after my 19th birthday, while I was aboard the Constellation CVA-64] .)

PTSD derives from many different experiences. I had a friend (sadly, she died this year) would literally go into a panic state whenever she felt the ground shake. She was home, and only 1.5 miles from the epicenter of the Loma Prieta Epicenter in 1989. She lived in abject fear of another temblor shaking her house apart.

I suspect that any Army Quartermaster (logistics & supply) who saw a fellow soldier torn apart by an AK-47 during Tet is probably harboring some form of PTSD - and likely an overt form of PTSD.

Combat experience is not a requirement for a diagnosis of PTSD.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: PTSD thread.

Postby REM1126 » Mon Mar 26, 2018 8:30 pm

MikiSJ wrote:... the 1966 Oriskany CVA-36 - 44 dead/156 injured [I personally saw this one from my ship the day after my 19th birthday, while I was aboard the Constellation CVA-64] .)


The Oriskany was sunk as a dive/fish reef off the Coast of Pensacola. I have dived it several times with a friend who, as a pilot, lived aboard and flew off the ship. He never mentioned a fire, so he may not have been on it at that time. Knowing his age, he was probably on the ship in the early 70's.

Anyway, I have been on the Flight Deck of the "Mighty O", and in the Nav Bridge and the Flight bridge.

http://florida-divepros.com/dive-sites/uss-oriskany/
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