Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationship

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Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationship

Postby Sharpiee » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:58 pm

I've been in a relationship for just over a year now. It's my first real relationship. I'm a trans guy, post-top surgery and been on T for a few months longer than I've been dating. My partner is a bisexual cis guy.

I thought originally that my not enjoying sex was because I was a virgin when I met him. I thought that it would get better the more comfortable I became with my body, the more we experimented, after having top-surgery etc.

But it hasn't. It's got worse. And I don't know what to do.

I want to make it clear that I 100% identify as a guy. I have no regrets about transition, except that I didn't do it sooner (I didn't start until I was 16/17, despite having suspicions since I was very young - we're talking prepubescent). But top surgery didn't go well for me. My scars are so much worse than most T-guys'. I'm still in pain, 6 months post-op, and have very limited movement on my right side. This is despite me working out regularly (after the surgeon saying it was okay to start again) and making sure I lost weight and was as fit as possible before surgery. Alas, it didn't work out. I'm glad I had it done, but I wish with all my heart that my chest didn't look like a hackjob. The surgeon wants to do revisions, but it will never improve entirely.

That's insecurity number one.

My partner, though bi, is very fond of penis, to put it blunt. He's insecure about his own size (and my issue with this we'll get to in a minute), and has a real thing for 'monster cock', so naturally I feel pretty bad that I can't give him that. But at the same time, I don't want him to stop talking about penises around me. I like browsing porn together and sending each other people we find attractive, or things we want to try. It's a good way for us to still feel sexy with each other while we're apart (which we often are, for weeks at a time). But I think a prosthetic would make me feel worse and, besides, I can't afford one - yet.

I really struggle to have sex. Not just emotionally, but physically. We first started with anal, because I thought I would be more comfortable mentally with that, and could just ignore the front anatomy. But it's messy, it's stressful, rarely ends well, and it either hurts, or doesn't feel like anything. The only time I enjoy it is when I get myself off, but after orgasm I can't stand to be touched again because I'm too sensitive, and if I'm not stimulating myself, I immediately start panicking that I'm going to make a mess or screw up, if you catch my drift. We've had enough accidents in the past, despite me changing my diet, exercising regularly, prepping well before etc, that I'm more or less petrified of anal. The only position it really works in is on my back, because my legs are too long for us to doggy-style comfortably. I tried being on top, and unfortunately that ended up in the biggest mess, and I couldn't bring myself to let him touch me for a long time after that. It doesn't seem to bother him, as he accepts it's a risk of the territory, but I'm mortified and ashamed, especially when I don't even get anything out of it at the end of the day. I could get off just as well by myself, without the worry.

So, because of how anal goes, we tried usual PIV sex. I'm too small. I've been to the doctor, and I'm ridiculously tight. As in, can't even get a pinky finger in. He's not huge (by societal standards, apparently; to me he's massive and I guess I grossly underestimated how big an inch actually is) but it hurts so much, and after 12 months of trying, we've only just got to a point where I can open up enough for him to get in halfway. Bearing in mind this is after an hour or more of foreplay. And it doesn't feel good. It might not hurt, once I'm finally relaxed and lubed up, but I don't get any pleasure out of it either.
And then, with him saying things like "wait until you have sex with someone bigger than 5 inches - THAT'S a cock!" I feel even more like I'm crap at sex. If I can't take him, when he's supposedly on the smaller side...

I just feel broken. I don't feel anything during sex. The only time I can get off is by myself (through pants), or when he goes down on me. And I'm rarely comfortable with that. I let him do it because it's a way to get off, and he enjoys it, but I worry constantly about how I look, how I respond, what he's thinking about. I feel awkward when he calls my anatomy my dick, but also awkward when he calls it by anything female-orientated.

The only part of sex I enjoy any more is performing oral on him. It's the only time I feel in control and like I'm getting as much pleasure as he is.

The problem is, I'm starting to make excuses to not have sex. He has never, in any way, made me feel like I have to do it, or has pushed me to do something I don't want to do. If I've ever been in pain, he has stopped immediately, and refused to continue even when I've asked him to. Which makes it hard to discuss this with him, because if I admit I've never really enjoyed sex between us, I don't think he'll ever trust me sexually again.

But this is breaking my heart. All around me people are getting on with their sexual lives. Even a friend who suffered the same as me has managed to have sex now, and she enjoys it. Some people have told me that he can't be the right partner for me, if I can't have sex with him, and that hurts because I love him and can't imagine being with anyone but him. I'm wrapped up in bitter jealously and hatred towards people leading normal lives because nothing I'm doing seems to work.

I recently suggested to him that, if he wanted, he could other people on the side, if he wanted sex with someone with a penis for a change. Because sometimes, he does miss sucking cock, or being topped. And I genuinely wouldn't mind. I'd rather he have his needs met, and still come back home to me, than resent me because he's not getting what he needs. At this rate, I could go the rest of my life without sex, and I wouldn't care any more. It's too stressful and painful and there's not really any reward at the end of it for me.
He didn't take it very well, and is now convinced I'm saying it just because I have low self esteem at the moment - which isn't true. I've been thinking it for a long time now, and besides, I have never had good self esteem. :lol:

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. The one person I would want to talk about it with is my partner, and I feel I can't. I can't talk with my friends without getting jealous and comparing myself to them.

I've been for psychotherapy for this and many other things, and haven't really made any progress.

I guess I'm just asking if anyone else has been here, and how you cope with it? I know the problem is me, and solely me, and only I can change it. But things don't seem likely to improve and at this point I'm just looking for ideas on how to move on and make do, and stop these feelings of inadequacy and upset.

EDIT to add: I WANT to enjoy sex. I get turned on. I'm into the thought of topping and bottoming. The physical just doesn't catch up.
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Re: Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationshi

Postby Lesley Niyori » Sat Feb 03, 2018 6:20 pm

Hello Sharpiee

Well, I'm transgender female. And my body is almost 56 (next month), and while it might seem I can't really have any connection to your situation, well maybe I do, sort of.

So I thought I'd say hello, and at least show you that you have an ear here.

You're having trouble enjoying sex.

Me, well, I'm still a virgin in that I have not yet had sex as a woman here.
I was married for 27 years. Well, he was. That's a complicated explanation found elsewhere in my post history.
The thing is, he was positively addicted to sex. I think he was overcompensating actually.
The problem is, his addiction, has made me leery of sex now. It's a door I am unsure I want to be opened.

So much so, it is likely ruining my ability to find someone.
Because I've become solidly hardcore old-fashioned no premarital sex.
Which seems to be quite the deal killer in 2018 dating.

So it seems we are both experiencing something that is ruining sex for us.

Me, I had surgery last May 2017. My clitoris has not healed yet. I'm not even sure I want to know when it turns on. I'm frankly afraid to find out how good it might feel. Because I have baggage where sex is concerned.
I want a man so badly it's invaded almost all of my life. I never seem to stop talking about it.
And yet, I'm afraid of sex.

It must be frustrating for you to have the partner, and not have the gear.
Me, I have the gear, and no one seems to want me.
Yeah, it hurts.

I'm guessing losing a partner because you couldn't perform, would be like me being unable to find a partner because they didn't think mine was real enough.

And yeah, I love myself just fine, but, it feels horrible not being able to find anyone that wants me, so yeah, I can relate to your self-esteem worries. Sometimes loving one's self is little comfort when no one else does.

Anyway, I hope it has helped me listening.
I'm here to make friends and share in our journies.
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Re: Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationshi

Postby Roofroof32 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:54 am

Maybe you aren't with the right partner or you could just be unhappy with yourself.
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Re: Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationshi

Postby car_wheels » Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:34 pm

This is all a little TMI, but I would suggest reading a book like "The Joy of Gay Sex." M4m sex has it's own code and is pretty specific in sets of behavior....not to get too specific but there might be too much emphasis on penetrative intercourse and not exploration. Queer people don't need to conform that much.
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Re: Just don't enjoy sex, I think I'm ruining my relationshi

Postby MorganWoolf » Mon Apr 02, 2018 2:35 pm

Hey Sharpiee!

Forwarning to all about to read this. This may be TMI, I'm going to be opening up unabashedly about things. You have been warned.

My first thought was "Is he asexual?" then you ended it with your edit.

So, in reading your story I found a few parallels and I thiiiiink I can give advice....? (I'm FtM too)
First of all, before I share stories, there are some important things that need to be said. Never do anything you don't want to or don't like during sex. Don't. You will mess yourself up.

I once had this amazing therapist. He was helping me with heavy depression, suicidal thoughts,...and a rape I had suffered. I was in a relationship by this point. He told me for homework that my spouse and I should just body map. Touch each other, everywhere, find where we like, where we don't, even if we think we already know. Go over every single inch.

Sex shouldn't be something we're given a manual for. Sex is something that should come naturally. Our fears of preformance are ingraned in us from society.

That being said...I have my own issues. On top of having been raped, I also had an unusually thick hymen which Haley liked to referr to as "the impenetrable wall of doom". We had tried to have sex multiple times. I tried getting drunk first. I tried everything and each time it ended in Haley being extremely frustrated and me feeling horrible. Broken.
I had my hymen broken by a doctor under anesthesia and even then I kept kicking her off (which is impressive, I'm rather small for a guy and she was twice my weight because well, she's a trans girl and had a guy body at the time).

By the time we had sex there was no...thrill...in it. It was sort of a "oh, that's it?" sort of moment. I still have preformance issues, to the point where I think I fall into the category of asexual. I don't need sex. I get horny but I'm perfectly happy taking care of that myself. Since Haley started hormones her drive has dropped and frankly I'm at peace now.

But you have a different relationship.
Honestly, you need to be very very honest with your partner. Having sex is such a vulnerable thing. You need to feel safe, if you don't then it just isn't going to happen the way you want.

Maybe open up to your partner and see if you can try hitting a "restart" button with your sexual relationship. Instead of trying to build on what has failed, start again, like you two have met each other for the first time. Don't dive into the need for penetration. Sex and intimacy do not require penetration. And your fetishes (or his fetishes) don't have to be part of sex either. He might like big cock, but that doesn't mean he needs you to have that. It's just his fetish. You guys can slowly work up to something you two enjoy.

Which the fact he keeps bringing it up to you when it's obvious you don't have that kinda irks me. That's a jerk move.

Just sayin'

You need to call him out on that one.

Its great you've been going to therapy! Sometimes it takes a while. Therapy is a slow process. It is also possible that you need to try a different therapist, especially if you've been with yours for a long time and there has been no progress. Try someone else. They may have a different approach.

I hope this helped a little and I hope things improve for you!
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