which way to go when coming out to family?

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which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:17 pm

Trying to work out the best method to break what's happening to my mum and brother. While I am planing to go full time in June or July time, to allow for practice talking, various therapy and hopefully bridging services. So no real rush to drop the bomb on them. But I have two concerns. One do I do it one on one, which would allow them to express there feeling openly. Or do it together tempering reactions. I think it will be ok, but you never know. Also thinking about March time to give me and my partner time to adjust before injecting more issues into the mix. The second issue is that my brother asked me to be his bestman for November. Now I am not planning to turn up to his wedding in a dress, as I don't want to sour there day as some relatives are not worth the oxygen they breath to put it mildly, but he gets on OK with them. So thinking androgynous for the day. Do I tell him sooner in case he has issues and wants some one else, I guess if they are doing morning dress stuff it will have to be sooner. So they don't waste money on suits that they will not use.

Just planning out and preparing really, helps keep my mind away from the dark.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby Lesley Niyori » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:18 pm

I suggest doing it separately.

I also suggest immediately telling him you can't be best man. Lie if you need to.

You don't want to mangle his wedding day. And you being a best man that in time ends up being a farce in his eyes, well, you will have ruined the memory for both of you.

So yeah, I'd step down as best man before the weekend is done actually. And a lie will do less damage than his 'best man' not even being a man.

Forget what family says about the wedding stuff, the bride and groom will appreciate their wedding photos not being a total waste.

Dear, it would be nice if you could be a bridesmaid of course. But that is likely asking for too much. But life will be tricky enough, avoid anything you can avoid that can only go ugly.

I myself was a 'best man' once. I don't know what he thinks of the pictures these days. I don't care though, he ditched me. I was also a husband once. Yeah, I don't want any of those pictures either. I have long ago gotten rid of all evidence he ever existed. You only want to be making future happy memories.

I dream of someday being a bride in a white wedding dress. I dream of all THOSE possible happy moments.
I think it would be funny if an old friend was a bridesmaid in my wedding again :) This time she would be MY bridesmaid, not the ex-wife's bridesmaid :)
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:50 pm

I think I will have to arrange a meeting with him, and explane the problem. I can't lie to him about it, as I can't think of a valid reason which would not be made worse when I do come outt to them.

Talking about weird weddings, I officiated at a close freands handfasting, and she had one of our cis male freands as her head brides maid. it was very sweet, although he panicked when I told him that he was the backup if the bride did not show up!
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby MikiSJ » Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:21 pm

The term 'best man' is undergoing a bit of a transition itself.

Let your brother decide who he wants as his best man. If you disclose to him who you really are, and if he fully accepts who you are - then maybe he will still want you as his best man, even if you are wearing a very feminine tuxedo.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:18 pm

Just need to work up the courage to talk to them now! Main problem the driving for 2.5hours hurts my back, and I am worried if we meet at mine or half way then they could be driving while up set. Phone seems easier but it's abit impersonal for such a sensitive subject. I think I need to get a grip and drive, perhaps see one and then the other as they live in the same town still.
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To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby Andina » Tue Jan 16, 2018 9:04 am

It is (will be) a very emotional time, don't trust it to memory. Write a letter that logically explains all you want to say but then deliver it in person and say just that, that you were worried that you would forget things you wanted to say and you are ready to discuss it after they have read it, now or later.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby Lesley Niyori » Tue Jan 16, 2018 9:24 am

Andina wrote:It is (will be) a very emotional time, don't trust it to memory. Write a letter that logically explains all you want to say but then deliver it in person and say just that, that you were worried that you would forget things you wanted to say and you are ready to discuss it after they have read it, now or later.


Good idea.

Remember Abby, stop being this all about worrying about them. You need to worry about you just as much.
It's not like you can't have trouble driving home too eh.

But at least on their turf, if it goes bad, you can always leave. On their turf, they might be more comfortable.

But you need to definitely do this face to face.
If you are verbally mean to me, I will verbally bite you back.
If you attempt to chastise me for verbally biting someone who was verbally mean to me, I'll verbally bite you too. Don't be quoting me rules either.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:27 pm

I did the letter method with the wife and that worked out OK so far. This whole thing has driven me to move over the country, deliberately not made wide socal circles (mixed with social angisity), gained numerous qualifications to prove that I am my mind and not my body which controls my destiny. (tricky when mixed with dislexia and depression) . Driven to the bring of dispare, to be in the same position as I was 20 years ago,
The fear of upsetting my mum. that she is losing one of her sons. Then again I remember when she was plating my hair when it was shoulder length saying she always wanted a daught

Better find that pen and paper again!
Last edited by AbbyGray on Mon Jan 22, 2018 4:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby Michi » Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:03 am

Do you think they have any hints that you may be trans. Is your partner same sex? I would think it wouldn't be as big of a surprise then.


Dropping a few hints would be my idea of an easier way to come out to the family. It's not the easiest thing to start talking about. I'd try to get out of the wedding as soon as possible. Who knows maybe you could get invited to the bachelorette party?
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:18 am

No, I am married to a cis woman, what would be 10 years this year. (we are seeing how things feel as they progress)
Have been dressing androgynous for a while now and they noticed at Xmas that I was happer than last time they had seen me. Told them that I have been working on what produces my depression they asked what it was but I did not want to disrupt the holiday for my little one. So they know some things up.
Just got to do it! Who knows I may have said something when was little and forgot about, they did give me my mums Barby doll and wardrobe to play with along with my starwars action figures!
Last edited by AbbyGray on Mon Jan 22, 2018 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:02 am

Well letters have now been written. And now time to arrange meet ups. Still being off work with infection has been useful!
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:17 am

Well, with letter proof read by wife and freands (paranoid that it was drivel and made no sense.) information packs printed (I like being prepared!) . I have just heard that my mum is coming to visit tomorrow to help take the little one to school due to some timing issues with work. And I said I would explane every thing the next time we meet which was going to be the weekend, but is now Tuesday . Oh well get it over with I suppose!
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby SophieCantDance » Mon Jan 29, 2018 3:50 pm

You have all my love and support Abby. <3 I really hope things go well with her.

Information packs are a good idea, I have toyed with the thought of doing something similar.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:07 pm

The packs are to steer them to trans positive information first rather than googles pot luck, but also to help break the ice abit as they know that when I am worried about some thing I over prepare so it's a liked of in joke.
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To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby jentay1367 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:43 pm

I myself was a 'best man' once. I don't know what he thinks of the pictures these days. I don't care though, he ditched me


Me too. He said it wasn't an issue, he lied. I thought our relationship was stronger than this, it wasn't. I spent a long time thinking I precipitated this....on further consideration, life is hard, for everyone. I'm still learning the dynamics of forgiveness. Not for them, for me. I don't have the energy for anger any longer.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:22 pm

When really well with my mum, bit of explanation was required for questions, but in the end accepting and supporting. just the rest to do at the weekend. :D
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby SophieCantDance » Tue Jan 30, 2018 7:24 pm

Yay Abby! I am so happy for you.
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:31 pm

Oh slightly unforseen issue with information packs, my mum thought I must have some terrible illness if I need to speak to her alone and bringing a thick wad of paper with me. It was apparently a releaf when she read the letter and it was just transgender issues!
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby AbbyGray » Sun Feb 04, 2018 12:55 pm

Well that's all the close family done now! Went well, a few tears lots of hugs, see what happens when the news sinks in more. :D
Don't eat the purple cheese. Pratchett
To those who've survived: Breath. That's it. Once more. Good. Your good. Even if you're not, you're alive. That is a victory. Jemisin
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Re: which way to go when coming out to family?

Postby SophieCantDance » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:05 pm

<3 Amazing news!
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