A little closer to the truth.

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A little closer to the truth.

Postby Ashley@Heart » Fri Nov 10, 2017 9:22 am

I feel a little preface is required here. I know so many of us have suffered greatly at the hands of others and that I partly because I didn't understand or have the bravery or conviction to express myself openly that I have lived a far more privileged life than perhaps I would have. For those who don't know me well I came of age in the 1980s I was always a bit different and sensitive even in the protected bubble that was my father's elementary school. But once I left there things got bad for me. But I thought it was not worse than what any other outcast suffered. I think this is not going to bother anyone but I felt it necessary to lightly warn what was coming. I am really good at burrying things so it should of come as no surprise that I would be triggered on occasion and not be sure why. This is one such discovery.

So I was watching the Netflix series Sense 8 and oh my did I feel connected to that the trans-girl Naomi. Even in areas where we didn't have shared experience (like a hateful mom) I felt her pain keenly. So when to help another she relates a story where she is forced to do a boy thing as a kid, feels super uncomfortable about her body in the boys lockers I was shaking and loosing control (just typing this is hurting) so when it gets far worse and the boys grab her and burn her in a over hot shower I went fetal flashes of my own experiences I had buried hitting me wave after wave. I didn't understand even my panic attacks that sent me to the floor as a uncontolled mess last year were not that bad. So this has forced a lot of introspection.

I always hated the boys locker room. I was always intensely uncomfortable and the other boys knew it and took advantage of it. And the showers.. never.. but many a boy came back from them. I can't tell you how many times some thought it funny to expose themselves "to the fag". Or to threaten me with (both sexual but mostly physicaly) or actually be a little physical. Some loved to brag about their love lives and what girls they had sex with. Once or twice in my dreams as a girl they would be there.. and somehow things would be better between us then. (Yes things went farther than that.). So really I couldn't understand why that show hit me. And then like the big dummy that I am I realized that I was still viewing this from my viewpoint of a scared boy who thought he was cis/het and only dreamed of being s girl as an escape. Once I realized that no I was attracted to these boys even if I didn't accept it at the time, once I understood why I was so unlike them. It became clear. I might of burried all those feelings but I was this girl who wanted to be liked by these boys but instead was tortured. It was a betrayal that comes as no surprise to any woman. But I didn't get it I didn't have that safe space to get away, I had to be with these creatures i didn't get but liked anyway. And never understood that. I still think I had it easy. But I think I am at least closer to the truth of why I am always nervous around men and why this affected me so.

Sorry, this was just a edited dump of my thoughts. That I have mentioned before But for whatever reason felt the need to express.No need to reply, I am not seeking sympathy. I just needed to type this out as therapy.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby dreamin » Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:13 pm

not gonna give you sympathy not ONE BIT!!!! haha ;p

it's good you did some processing about your feelings for men. they can be *infuriatingly* apathetic, unapologetic, and self-centered ..tho i realize at least the last 2 aren't specific to just them

growing up it seems i had a pretty skewed view of males, and never felt comfy with the traditional things they always loved (fishing, cleaning the fish, hunting, football, others) ...tho oddly enough had surface-level male friends with whom to share my childhood. we'd at least jump on a trampoline, swim, bike-ride, play soccer, and video games. without getting more specific, i also had a couple of encounters with males prior to adulthood (not talking about fighting, altho i did that several times with boys in childhood as well). one of the encounters i was in control of how i wanted to respond to him and chose not to (i guess 'cause it was at my parent's house and they were home), the other was bad

however i have made peace with the bad encounter, and i don't blame all men for that older boy's actions with me. in adulthood, likely because i've made peace of my own womanhood, i have been able to realize and enjoy some aspects of men which were always previously closed off to me when we were in that "surface-level friends" state ('cause those friends were always of course implied "no homo")

so yeah, it's certainly not homosexuality for you & i girly... i find that i morph into an almost embarrassingly-feminine girly girl in my tone & demeanor towards guys with whom i'm able to sweetly message back 'n forth. not insincerely, 'cause i'm NEVER one of those girls who wants to play games with anyone's heart ...but yeah men soak up our feminine wiles like a sponge - and they they'll really funnel that excited energy into all the right places

:)
"I'm a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth." Piper - oitnb
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Demon » Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:50 pm

i hate men.
my life is mostly pain
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:30 pm

Demon wrote:i hate men.


Congratulations.
Partially disturbed, totally awesome.
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Nov 13, 2017 1:33 am

dreamin wrote:so yeah, it's certainly not homosexuality for you & i girly... i find that i morph into an almost embarrassingly-feminine girly girl in my tone & demeanor towards guys with whom i'm able to sweetly message back 'n forth. not insincerely, 'cause i'm NEVER one of those girls who wants to play games with anyone's heart ...but yeah men soak up our feminine wiles like a sponge - and they they'll really funnel that excited energy into all the right places


Oh my yes, I had never allowed myself to be honest with my feelings. But once I made peace and accepted who I was it became clear I had some learning about myself to do. Though Liam had quite a bit to do with it, with his boyish charm and a big dollop of assertiveness he has said things and done some things in our growing relationship that has caused me to re-evaluate myself and grow so much more. In the early days I was worried that I would have trouble when confronted by the presence of a man who prior to I only emotional attachment with. Sorry I love the female form, I love feminine people. But Liam pushed buttons in places that made me realize how shallow and forced my prior relationships were, and the desire that exploded from that is so new to me. And now having had that door blasted open, I find myself far more reactive to men when I feel safe. (Most recent example... seeing the latest Thor... Oh my goodness is Chris Hemsworth hot. I am so happy those theatre lights were off... I was blushing something fierce :oops: .)

Demon wrote:i hate men.

Nope, sorry I may not trust most I do not know. But I do NOT hate men. And while I didn't mention it men were not the only ones, I was mocked by girls as well. (And that did hurt quite a bit because it tended to be more emotionally crewel. The boys were just more direct and physical which is why I have a damaged rib.) On the flip side almost all my co-workers are male and every one of them I have come out to has been so very sweet. One of them was like.. oh now it all makes sense I have never been able to figure you out until now. (Though I doubt he fully gets it even with his psychology degree.)
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Demon » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:25 am

jentay1367 wrote:
I hate men


Some of the coolest guys I've ever met were men.


If it makes you feel any better, I hate women too?
my life is mostly pain
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:51 am

I would ask you to buy a puppy, but then I don't know how universal your hate is and I would not want to put the puppy in jeopardy.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Demon » Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:22 pm

MikiSJ wrote:I would ask you to buy a puppy, but then I don't know how universal your hate is and I would not want to put the puppy in jeopardy.


I would never harm a puppy, that is crossing the line. However I may harm a chicken, if I was in the desert and very hungry.
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Re: A little closer to the truth.

Postby Natasha_Lynn » Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:50 pm

Demon wrote:
jentay1367 wrote:
I hate men


Some of the coolest guys I've ever met were men.


If it makes you feel any better, I hate women too?


Some of the coolest gals I ever met were women.
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