My last BIG family coming out

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My last BIG family coming out

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:34 am

It sounds like I am going to step into the middle of a family reunion in my best dress and say Hi, I'm Carolyn!

But no, This Friday I am just talking to one person. He is just 9 years old this journey of mine has effected both of us far more than I ever wanted. And if I am honest this little person and his sister almost six years later are the ones that helped me see my illusions and rampant escapism for what they were forcing me start taking a hard look at myself.

I don't know how he is going to react and it has been over a month since I have seen them. I have missed them so much it has hurt in ways that often send me into crying fits and I know it has taken way too long for me to get to this point. But here I am, I know no matter how much I think about it, or plans I make.. My feelings will be doing most of the talking. I just hope he will understand.

Hopefully this goes better than it did for my now ex-wife. He is a good kid with a big heart and deserves so much happiness.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby helen2b » Wed Oct 11, 2017 5:58 am

You'll ace it, Caro. I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, so that everthing goes well for you. :thumb:
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Out to kids: Nov. 2015
Legal name changed 09/11/2016
Driver's Lic., Medicare and Bank accounts amended 22/11/2016
Out @ work 17/01/2017
Out to siblings 06/03/2017
BA...13/07/2017

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince.
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Shay » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:37 am

I'm sure it will go great! Hope it works out for you, let us know how it goes!
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby KoroSensei » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:08 pm

Kids are more accepting than you'd think :) Best of luck Carolyn.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:32 pm

The trick might be yanking him away from his Nintendo long enough to hold a conversation. Actually no his mortal enemy is silence who am I kidding. :lol:

I agree things will be fine though a little odd for him and a touch uncomfortable for me.

One thing I am not doing is wearing any loose and valuable jewelry in my ears or around my neck. My daughter is always curious. And I don't need her pulling on my recovering earlobes.

What I am unsure about is if I should do anything with my daughter. I think this time I will let Daddy slide. And talk to my son about how he wants to call me.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:52 pm

Carolyn.. I’m not sure what sage advice to give... but I do know it seems you could use a hug. Sending one your way... one mom to .... another.
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby MikiSJ » Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:31 pm

Ashley - 9 year olds tend to be accepting of things not forced on them. Be honest and answer every question as though you are talking to an adult, because 9 year olds know when they are being BSed.
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I'll repeat a story I have told several times on the board:

A friend of mine had a 11 year old son, an only child from a second marriage. She got to the point in her life where it was imperative to be who she was and determined it was necessary to tell her son.

She got dressed as herself and went to sit in the family room waiting for her son to come out and when he did he freaked and ran off to his room crying and shutting the door.

The next night my friend got dressed again. This time her son came and sat next to her, layed his head on her lap and fell asleep. They have been together ever since.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Ashley@Heart » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:55 pm

Mom2TranAdult wrote:Carolyn.. I’m not sure what sage advice to give... but I do know it seems you could use a hug. Sending one your way... one mom to .... another.


Thanks, it means allot I never turn down hugs. A small point, and I am not complaining but some girls like myself struggle with a parental identity. My ex-wife cares deeply for our kids and is a wonderful mom in every sense of the word I will never try to take that or diminish her standing if I can help it. And yes in a biological sense I am their "father" (sorry I am really tired of that argument). I find how we honor our fathers and mothers is obviously a very gendered thing so as a parent who feels neither fits anymore there is allot of emotion buried here. An example, Father's day almost from the beginning for me has been a time to put on my best mask and smile my best fake smile. While silently wanting to die or slink off for alone time. Don't get me wrong getting showered with honest unforced affection from my kids is the best thing ever but that day is always a struggle. This year my kids were 2000 miles away in Arizona for FD, my mother who was desperate to spend as many of the remaining days I had left with her decided to take me out to celebrate and spent the whole time telling me what a wonderful loving father I am. I hardly felt it, I was feeling numb on the drive back home so I took a detour to get some beloved tea in the hopes that would lift my mood. In the end I mostly wanted to ram my car into a concrete barrier at top speed far from anyone. But thankfully I didn't Instead I curled up in my bed and reached out to the one person I knew who could keep me afloat. My dear sweet Liam. I don't need a day, I don't want to be honored, just a hug and a I love you every so often and I am good.

MikiSJ wrote:The next night my friend got dressed again. This time her son came and sat next to her, layed his head on her lap and fell asleep. They have been together ever since.


I look forward to my version of that new beginning.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby MikiSJ » Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:35 am

Ashley@Heart wrote:
MikiSJ wrote:The next night my friend got dressed again. This time her son came and sat next to her, layed his head on her lap and fell asleep. They have been together ever since.


I look forward to my version of that new beginning.

...and I hope your story is just a beautiful.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Oct 16, 2017 8:05 pm

Okay I guess a update is in order. So it happened.. I spent the whole weekend starting Friday as Carolyn with my kids, had a long talk with my son about all of this. (About being transgender, what it means to me, a brief history, and how much I love him and his sister.) He informed me that his mother had told him that we got divorced because I lied but not what it was. And while I guess from a literal standpoint that may be true I kind of bristle at that. And after our initial talk he seemed to vacillate between liking the idea of having two mommies and calling me daddy like my daughter and ex-wife still do. We went out, me and Ashley traded jewelry and did our nails, we all shopped for food, the perfect costumes, and played for hours in a lovely park. I feel this was a good start other than a brief and very public lollipop meltdown with 3yo Ashley in the checkout line. (Damn you in line impulse items.)

However I will say that internally I felt a bit split, expected to be old me by my kids and having those behaviors drawn out far too easily by them and my own parenting habits. So it has a been a bit of a fight to understand who I am as a parent now.

But really I need to stop being so hard on myself and just accept that this is all and always will be a work in progress and to acknowledge how far I have come.

Perfectly Imperfect.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Mom2TranAdult » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:25 pm

Carolyn, thanks for sharing and updating us. You have loads of courage and from my standpoint your ex was truly out of line calling you living authentically a “lie” ; you were right to bristle at it! Your best defence is to be you and show your kids your courage and humanity. The conversation will carry on and be different as your children get older. Keep building from what you already have with them - they need their other mom!
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Breanna74 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:47 am

Hi Carolyn, Im so happy things went well with your kids. Personally i think you got them at the right age as when i came out to my kids i had a 15yo,16yo and a 7yo and i know which one took it the best. The (then)15yo and I are still struggling with common ground and her coming to terms with everything, (even 3 years later) while the (then) 16yo is totally accepting even if she still struggles to use feminine pronouns.
My 7yo boy however....when it came time to tell him I was as nervous as you were, built it up in my mind like you did and then when i told him, he understood perfectly immediately, nothing changed and after about 2 minutes said "so can i go play the playstation again" and ive never had a problem with him since. I even got a gift from him for mothers day this year.

I to wonder about what to be called by them so i leave it up to them and whatever they are comfortable with, which seems to be Dad and that doesnt bother me except on the occasion that i havent been picked and then they start referring to me as dad and *give the game away* so to speak.

Point being they are young and will love and accept you for who you are and how you treat them, the stronger youre love for them the stronger the bond you will experience, but im sure like me you worry for them at school and what they are being told by their mother/others (tbh i dont have that issue as she is awol) but to them its just who you are, and thats all that matters. Enjoy and relax, you got this. :)
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done. Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal - Bruce Lee
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Re: My last BIG family coming out

Postby Ashley@Heart » Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:20 pm

Thanks, a small update. My son and daughter will be staying with me from late Wednesday until Sunday this week. And again over Christmas for a week. Here I am this curmudgeon over the silliness of this crazy holiday season called Christmas. And I am so excited about buying a small tree and setting up a fire in my fireplace. With stockings... and such.

I agree on the timing.. I have read letters written by teenagers hurt by a parent telling them they are transgender. And they cut me to the core. I know it more frequently goes well. But everything I have learned has told me it is far better talk with them when they are young. So I have wanted to talk to them for awhile now.
-Carolyn

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”
― e.e. commings
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