Feeling vulnerable

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Feeling vulnerable

Postby CeliaEriksson » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:16 am

Sorry about this, I have to write. I won't go over it again and again, so I'll just write about how I feel.

I am a little depressed these last few days. A culmination of stuff getting on top of me, don't worry I never self harm and that sort of stuff, I'm far too much of a coward. But I do get this immense feeling of vulnerability when feeling so. It's several things that stem from something quite horrible, recently rejecting someone I kind of like but don't like enough. I ended it quite abruptly too, rather than slowly letting go.

I begin to dwell on my imperfections and that at such times. At 56 I'm far from perfect and on the wane, it's a constant battle and I keep up the fight. The little creases and a myriad of things get more apparent as the years pass and times like these they appear far more 'there and obvious'.....

The vulnerability thing is very hard to get over, I fight that by feigning confidence, but then, (and you'll think I'm being very silly), it's hard to fake the right amount of being vulnerable to be cute, which I do when super confident and revel in when happy.

It does not stem from being who or what I am, hormones and that, it's about life in general, but mostly men. I like men lots, but also get scared so very easily when any show interest, it's how I am, I get over it once I know them, but I've had too many bad things happen that I apply a lot of caution and am very, very nervous at first with any man I don't know.

It's all sounding so selfish too, it's all about me, isn't it? I know this. The guy I could have had is nice beyond belief personality wise and in that way is perfect for me. That is why I kind of let him into my life, just a little, but sex seemed to be his main interest, nothing was really about us becoming a couple. Yet, I keep thinking about how he might be feeling, how sad he may possibly be which is really soppy, for he did not seem terribly upset, three weeks by the way, and might just as well have felt he had a good 'curious' run and is relieved at getting rid of me, the pain in the arse that I am as I've been told I am, in those and similar words, often enough. Perhaps I am.

I feel bad enough right now, but the other bad things happening are like compounding this, silly things, my exhaust has gone and other silly things broken at home, work is getting very annoying lately too. I know I'll come through after a few days. I just needed to talk about my vulnerability a little, I live alone and it's hard.

I know many here are straight with nice understanding wives, or are like me but they have nice husbands and boyfriends. I don't think there are many that are trying currently to find a man to settle down with, which I have been doing for a long time now, but I just wonder if anyone has such issues as I do. At my age I can't be super choosy, but in my defence I also have to find someone I really like if it's going to really work. I tried a dating site a couple of months ago and they were mostly creeps, I'll never do that again. I kind of resign myself to oldmaidship, which makes things worse right now.

It's very hard for me. I have had partners in the past one good one bad, but for those that don't know, I am entire, I have never wanted SRS and am sure I never will, I like being what I am, even though this brings such difficulties and always will place paradox and a lot of caution upon the table of my life, it also brings uniqueness and something special that I adore, but it has also brought loneliness at home.

I'm going to try to pick myself up and go shopping, I have to go to get my prescription too and maybe hit the golf range on the way home. I hope I get through it without being too skittish and not be chatted up. I have to work shift tonight and tomorrow night, I'll throw myself into that at hope I'm feeling better by Friday. I don't want sympathy, or even advice, for it's not linked to being tg or hormones, I handle that well, there is not a lot to be done apart from talk and write of it, get it off my chest. I'll be alright, back to my 'life is great' self soon enough. I've just this horrid vulnerable feeling right now that I get from time to time. It'll pass. So sorry for my very selfish post. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby MorganWoolf » Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:34 am

I know you don't want sympathy, but would you accept a hug?
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby MikiSJ » Wed Aug 09, 2017 12:16 pm

Celia

I know Morgan offered a hug, but what you need is someone to really touch you; to validate that you are a real person of worth - and you are.

Please try to find someone who you can actually reach out to and touch and have that person touch you back.

Yes, I have a wife and she is always there but the most important time I spend is with my therapist who I see monthly. We always end the session with two women hugging each other. That is so very, very important to me to have that validation. I literally float out of her office, the uplifting is that important to me.

I know, from your post, that things are building on you and your mental stamina is getting buried, please try to reach out to someone, anyone to help you get through this time of despair.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby CeliaEriksson » Thu Aug 10, 2017 12:48 am

Hi, thanks Miki and Morgan. All cyber hugs returned...

The folk at work were very good last night, I think they soon knew I had the 'willies' as we say over here. That helped and I feel a little less frit. I shall talk to a very close and old friend today, she lives fifty miles away so it'll be by phone, but she is a good listener. On Friday I shall see my niece for shopping and she'll be helpful too, she always cheers me up. Thanks again, I'm hoping I'll be my old self soon enough. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore.
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby CuteButLooksPregnant » Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:32 am

Maybe, just maybe, if you are on HRT, Celia, maybe your body does not absorb and 'burn' the hormones in a steady state, but does so in an up and down fashion. Maybe that is a factor in your uneasy feelings that come and go. Remember, your cyber friends are always here to help and encourage you.
Anyway, I wish you well, from Ponytails, a Twin Tail Advocate.
I'm Ponytails, a Twin Tail SilverGray

"Put all of our dreams and wishes into these Twin Tails;
Just like how we live by our streaming hair;
With Red Courage;
And Blue Love;
And Yellow Hope; to draw strength from...."

" TAILS ON !"
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby car_wheels » Thu Aug 10, 2017 12:31 pm

Celia,

It is easy to be up and down. Hoping you feel better.
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:42 am

Bless you Ponytails. You may well be correct, but I have used 50mcg patches for quite some time now, before I was on the pills and the same feelings would come now and then. I think it's caused by stuff happening that gets on top of me sometimes and it's just how I am. I am naturally cautious and easily frit, but when I feel like this it's like it's accentuated a lot more.

My Mother is bipolar, though I don't know if that could be a factor, though when she had episodes, coming and going from every six months or so to going several years absolutely fine. They lasted for weeks or even months, peaking with some very strange behaviour. I'm nowhere near that.... even though it's a fact that it has passed down the female side of my Mother's family. Surely not? I'll not even dare suggest there's a problem to my GP, anyway I do handle it ok and I also can go a long time feeling fine.

I hold up well, if you met me now I would be all smiles and be pleasant and you'd wonder what I am going on about, I do my job well enough and housework and all that. But inside I just feel scared, of pretty well everyone and everything. I hope today, with many distractions, it'll help me get through, for I still feel skittish. Well, I've just come off nights and am very tired, I have to take my car to the garage. Thank you, sweet Ponytails and everyone. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby VirginiaHall » Fri Aug 11, 2017 4:21 am

Hello Celia,

I owe you a letter. Moved and living out boxes and unpacking.

Virtual hug (((())))

Be well.

V-
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Re: Feeling vulnerable

Postby CeliaEriksson » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:48 am

Hi Virginia,

It's nice to hear from you again, I hope you are well and your move went well. (I always make a list of all the people I have to telephone btw, it helps as there are so many, you've probably done that, but if you have not, sorry to remind you!). Well, I am feeling a little more like me after hitting some golf balls and collecting Helga, her exhaust did not need replacing, it was some blank plug thingy they welded back on. I did not know her exhaust comes in six bits and lots of other bits too, I thought it would be one long pipe. I have rearranged shopping to Monday with my Niece as I was not good at driving the hire car and did not want to damage it, I don't like strange cars, anyway I am looking forward to seeing her, I like her so much. With overtime tomorrow, I will busy myself Sunday.

Take care and lots of hugs. Celia xx
Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
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