How do I come out to someone?

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How do I come out to someone?

Postby KoroSensei » Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:22 pm

I'm kind of at the point where I can't move forward without telling my family what's going on. The thing is, I almost feel like saying that I'm "transgender" or "a guy" is a bit to strong a thing to tell my parents and sister.
Is there a way I can tell them, without being like "This is the way things definitely are" and be more "This is the way things might be"?

I just think they won't understand if I say I'm "all of a sudden" feeling like a guy. Because all of a sudden is how they might take it, seeing as, on the outside I've been living as a girl with no problems (wearing dresses, putting on makeup, etc.) until late a few months ago.

It's not that I think they won't still love me, because they *seem* to be okay with things LGBTQ related. (i mean, they watch and enjoy RuPaul's Drag Race, which sounds stupid of me to use in a "they'll be okay" speel but still... you get what I'm trying to say right?)

I guess I've never had anything big I had to tell them, so I don't know how to go about it.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
-Albus Dumbledore.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby Ashley@Heart » Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:24 pm

I don't know your relationships well though to be much help but from what I have seen many start with siblings they trust if possible. I won't put words in your mouth but maybe see it as less about saying "Hi!, I am transgender!" and more about helping them understand how you feel, what lead you to this, and why you see this as a real and important part of yourself that needs to be expressed and explored. And feel free to blame me if that helps. hehe... :P Perhaps write down some of your thoughts to organize them and just let loose your emotions on the pages even if you plan on telling them in person. You can always delete the documents but the act should help.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby MikiSJ » Mon Feb 13, 2017 11:13 pm

RuPaul's Drag Race is not a good source of 'what is means to me to be a trans(guy/girl).

I can't get four word straight when trying to verbally explain my feelings/attitudes so I have found a well though out/truth letter written in your 'voice' to your mom, dad, sister, friends. It could be the same letter, but I am sure you want to be able to say different things to different people in your life.

Stick around, we can help you as you need it.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby Andina » Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:32 am

Agree, it is a very emotional experience so a letter will do a better job however the letter should be read to them live before giving it to them. Make sure they understand that you welcome questions.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby KoroSensei » Tue Feb 14, 2017 11:31 am

I'll take your advice and try to sort things out on paper first :) I've never been very eloquent when in comes to speaking. I'm either too blunt, or I can't spit the words out.

As far as my relationships with my family goes, I would say it's pretty average with my parents. Maybe slightly closer to my mom. I'm super close with my sister, so I might try talking to her first(?) I've almost told her twice, but always backed out because I felt it wasn't a good time.

RuPaul's Drag Race is not a good source of 'what is means to me to be a trans(guy/girl).

Yeah I know it's not :P But I've sort of been using that as a way to rationalize telling them. Kind of like: "They're okay with people being different and diverse, so maybe they'll be okay with me being different."
Maybe not the smartest way to put it, but like I said, I've never been good at translating what I think into what I say.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby kris » Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:33 pm

There is rarely a good time time to come out, even when you make the time specifically for this. There are few natural segues into 'oh, speaking of which, I'm genderqueer'. It is almost always awkward as fuck, and most of us feel quite exposed and vulnurable when we come out. I knew my family would be cool with it, but still, it just felt so dramatic and weird. I wanted them to know, but I didn't want it to become a big thing. Or something they just ignored either.

But you're you, a perfectly decent person to be, I assume. While it may be hard to guarantee acceptance or understanding from your family, to some extent they cannot accept you if they don't know who you are. Coming out is about showing them who you are. It's not about asking permission or approval; it's about saying this is me, and this is what it means to accept me entirely as a person. What I am getting at is, tense as the position is, try to have confidence. You haven't done anything malicious or wrong, and you don't owe it to anyone to be who you aren't. Hopefully your family wants to see who you are, even if you cannot perfectly describe who that is with regard to your gender identity at the moment.

The ambiguity you feel? There is no problem voicing that. If you have to choose between too blunt and not getting your words out, I'd comit to blunt. People can be really slow to piece together that someone is (or may be trans). If you are too round about, you may end up having to come out again. But you can be blunt without entering a blood oath to transition because others might expect that level of resolve or clarity.

You can say something like, "I may be transgender. I've been feeling this way for a long time, though I am still working out what that means to me. I am still sorting out if I need to transition to being male to feel happy and complete. I just wanted you to understand this part of who I am and what I am going through. I just hoped I didn't have to do this entirely alone, hiding it from my family." Not exactly that because you have to say what fits your experience, but still something which is fairly clear, yet not absolute.

Could they still misunderstand or think it's a phase? Yeah, but this whole thing is weird and imperfect process. You take a step ahead, and correct course as necessary. If you feel it is time, don't try to get it perfect. Just try to get the conversation started.

So yeah. Take heart. Good luck.
Last edited by kris on Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby MikiSJ » Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:46 pm

Kris brings up a good point. You need to explain, as best you can that this is not a phase that you'll grow out of.

Also, suppress all efforts from whom ever you come out to to negotiate away who you are. You are you, all of you. You are undoubtedly going to ruffle feathers, disappoint some and anger others. That IS THEIR PROBLEM. When you start to give away little pieces of yourself you'll find it really difficult to put yourself back together again.

Been there, done that and still looking for small pieces I can't find.
When writing the next chapter in your life, start with a pencil and eraser - my first page as Miki is full of eraser marks. Doodling is allowed. I have started a new chapter but will still use a pencil.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby Toku » Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:28 pm

To be honest, I would avoid "maybe's" if you are already sure. They might give the unconvinced false hope you won't transition or even worse, make them think you're confused yourself about what you want or what you are. Even the 1000% sure like me found people asking me if I'm not just having some kind of crisis or having a bad week or something when I came out as male. And I never tell anybody a thing unless I am absolutely sure I'm cool with them knowing something and can deal with the consequences of things not being able to be taken back once said.

There's no way to water this thing down.

There are probably better ways to come out than I did, but then again, what 'good way' is there to drop a bomb like this if the mere concept is going to rattle people.

I also thought my parents wouldn't have any issues with it - since they're like educated/scientists and always said crap like "if you turned out to be gay we'd still love you". My mother acted out about it so much behind the scenes she and my uncle/aunt have quit speaking to each other, he said he was disgusted with her attitude toward her own child so she must have said something shitty. Can't predict what people will react like.
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Re: How do I come out to someone?

Postby car_wheels » Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:25 am

Sometimes it can feel weird to say "i'm a guy" or "i'm a girl" when opposite sex hormones haven't kicked in. That's why genderqueer can be a good thing, like a place to put the pole down before the vault.

RPDR fans aren't as tuned into the genderqueer thing. But, dang, like, I just saw the Katie Couric thing tonight and I think with RPDR fan parents, watching that doc with them could be a great segue into the whole "i'm trans" "i'm questioning" thing, and get treated with respect
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